As I typed, I started waking up a bit. My brain flickering. My panic turning to excitement. I was starting to think of the different ways I might be able to carry out the project.
The fear of the unknown that I used to thrive on - that I craved – that I thought was long gone was returning a little bit, flickering away as if the ember hadn't quite gone out like I thought it had.
Anxiety was slowly replaced by a glimmer of excitement. I've had the same anxiety on every other project I have taken on in the last few years, and everyone was happy with my work, as was I, but it's easy to start worrying when you been mostly out of the game, living what feels like a different life.
I read my former cover letter, created a lifetime ago, before I had kids. In 2012: I am an enthusiastic, energetic go-getter with a passion for dealing with people and making things happen. I really was!
And now, in 2020 with three children: I am a frustrated, tired, putterer with a passion for sleeping and I can't accomplish one task without 20 more appearing. I can't put that on a CV! Surely in an office, without children undoing all your progress, people are productive?
One lives in hope.
I probably shouldn't write that in an online column when they're likely to Google my name. There was more.
In 2012: I'm a motivated, confident and cheerful person.
2020: I am exhausted, unsure if I am doing the right thing most of the time and I'm not sure my husband or my kids would describe me as "cheerful".
But then, colleagues don't annoy you as much as your family can. Or do they? I have forgotten.
2012: I thrive on fast-paced, challenging and varied roles and perform well under pressure.
2020: I thrive on steady, attainable tasks that won't go too far over time and don't involve the levels of emotional stress inflicted by my kids.
It's okay, I tell myself. There will be parents there, they will "get it." And hopefully, so will I.
