'Bare' facts about a touring play

IAN HUGHES gives the inside goss on the touring play Bare.

Two years ago Bare, by Toa Fraser, swept the Chapman Tripp theatre awards, cementing the young playwright's reputation and the pair of actors, Madeleine Sami and Ian Hughes, who play the multitude of characters taken from urban Auckland.

First performed in the small fringe space the Silo Theatre in 1998, Bare returns to Auckland this week, a fully fledged classic of the New Zealand stage.

From the diary of Ian Hughes:

June, 1998: Silo Theatre, Auckland.

The show opens with the posters not yet printed. Not good. The opening night crowd are there for free. If they don't go away and spread the word, no one comes, we don't get paid, it's all over, just like that. But before Madeleine even finishes her first monologue we know it's going to work. Good. The word goes out, the season sells out. Very good.

December, 1998: Bats Theatre, Wellington.

The three weeks before Christmas is a crazy time to put on a play that doesn't have Jesus in it. We have two chairs, that's it ... no set, no manger and no wise dudes. But the show, as they say, goes off! A resounding yes to questions about whether a play about Auckland can win over a parochial capital. Lesson: nothing goes down at Christmas time like a good bit of fiction!!!!!

Three nights in Tauranga, 1998.

This is where retired people go to retire. Not exactly our demographic. But Bare, as they say here, goes down very well. A resounding no to questions about whether this show has a certain demographic. Saw the locals dancing at the arts festival party and conclude that Tauranga is a city that rhythm forgot.

July, 1999, Court Theatre, Christchurch Arts Festival.

Opening night, full house. After the show we go to meet our adoring crowd and they've all gone home. The bar-person is cleaning glasses and there's a guy sweeping. Toa, Madeleine and I end up at a nightclub called Danz. The sign says Caribbean Night Rum drinks 50 cents. They're playing Shania Twain.

August, 1999, Assembly Rooms, Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Bare is just another stage show competing with 1500 other shows in the fringe festival alone. There is also the Television Festival, the International Festival, the Jazz Festival, the Book Festival, the Film Festival. Madeleine, Toa and I share a huge Victorian flat with 10 others. The lofty ceilings are peeling, the washing machine leaps across the kitchen on spin cycle, the shower is nothing more than a toothless dribble. Toa has an uncanny ability to get up at almost any time of the day and find the bathroom unused. I find myself resenting this.

We are on at the Assembly Rooms at 1 pm. Daily we lay New Zealand bare to an international public. We get a five-star review. The show is a sellout. A resounding yes to questions about whether New Zealand's vernacular, style and humour will travel. The Rose Street Fry is the only place in the centre of town supplying food after 11 pm. Lines of the drunk and desperate queue for their own serving of the collective heart attack that is Scottish cuisine. Madeleine orders a cheeseburger. She gets a thick slice of cheese and two meat patties sandwiched together dipped in batter and deep fried! No bun, no lettuce. She eats it.

Every night it's screaming room only at the Assembly Room's members' bar. So many cigarettes are smoked that those without much money can just walk around with a filter in their mouths. Nick Cave comes to town and upstages us all. Just him and a piano in the open air under a full yellow moon. Lesson: if you're going to be humbled, make sure it's by someone very, very, cool.

September, 1999, the Hawkes Bay Blossom Festival.

Straight after Edinburgh, heartland New Zealand. The Wairoua Little Theatre is a concrete hall in a paddock. If there's 15 cars parked out front the theatre's full. The dressing-room ceiling is completely covered with pictures from nudie mags. Lesson: entertainment is about making your own fun!

January 2000, Downstage Theatre, Wellington.

Wellington is rife with [Lord of the] Rings gossip and Liv Tyler-sightings.

All season we have been joking about when stars are coming to see us. Closing night, as the lights come up there they are, front row, the fellowship.

I perform the infamous sex scene with Liv Tyler two meters from my thrusting groin.

March 2000, Hamilton.

Six nights in Hamilton. Madeleine and I drive from Auckland to Hamilton and back for each performance. 1440km.

Lesson: it's better to drive for three hours a day than spend even one night in another beige motel room.

April 2000, Bay of Islands.

Four venues over four nights. It's a hot night in Russell and we perform with the back doors of the tiny theatre swung wide.

We can see the sea, and the boats and people walking past.

Magic. The lighting board consists of a wooden box with five domestic plugs attached to household dimmer switches.

November 2000, Sydney Opera House.

The show is sold out and we are trying to get extra seats put into the studio theatre.

But the Opera House is a government building and a requisition order is needed to hire the seats from another department. Maintenance will charge for their delivery and the chair department will charge for the chairs, and it will take time. No extra chairs.

Lesson: art and bureaucracy speak different languages.

March 2001, Maidment Theatre, Auckland.

More than 120 shows and 12,000 punters later we are returning home. Much bigger venue this time. Good. We have posters this time. Very good.

* Bare by Toa Fraser with Madeleine Sami and Ian Hughes opens at the Maidment Theatre on Friday.