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There's a terrible affliction sweeping the shopping districts and malls of our country. It drives grown women to tears, retailers to madness and designers to despair as they try to come up with a cure. Yes, that's right. We are speaking of one of the most frightening fashion addictions known to womankind: the desperate and pathological pursuit of the perfect pair of jeans. When it's taken to extremes, this is also known as a denim breakdown or UJS (Ultimate Jean Syndrome).
Recently there have been more outbreaks of UJS than ever.
This is mainly the fault of changing fashions. In the past, there was usually one, possibly two, styles of denim pant that were the height of fashion. Perfectionists would then trawl the boutiques looking for the ones that fit best. If bootlegs were in, they'd spend all day looking for exactly the right bootlegs. If hipsters were the trendy choice, then they could try on 20 pairs of these. But now - oh dear, oh dear - there are far too many jean genres.
Over the past few seasons the fashion industry has thrown up a wild mixture of jeans trends: high-waisted, flared, baggy boyfriend-styles, skinny legs, stove pipes, cigarette legs, rock'n'roll and retro looks.
So should you be on the verge of leaving your seat to tell everyone in the office, cafe or bus: "Hello, my name is ... [insert your name here] and I'm a jeans-a-holic", we have some advice. Stay calm. The following is a guide to choosing the denim trend that suits you best and starting you on the road to recovery from UJS.
SKINNY JEANS
They've been trendy for some time and don't look like they're going out of fashion anytime soon. Skinny legged youngsters in stovepipes won't need to read on. But if you're the worried owner of larger, older legs then don't worry. It is possible to partake of this trend. There are so many different cuts in this style that it would be churlish not to take at least 20 different styles into your dressing room. Avoid denim with lots of stretch as this will fit too snugly and you'll end up with denim leggings. Also avoid tapered or stove pipe styles, where the jeans go in towards the ankle. Instead opt for jeans in a drier, less stretchy denim, where the cut goes straight down rather than in at the bottom. This style is also called cigarette leg and it's the most flattering in darker colours.
HIGH WAISTED
The high-waisted jean is having the same sorts of issues that skinny legs had a couple of seasons ago. Everybody looks at them and goes "oh, I could never wear that". However, slowly but surely the average woman is being won over because a higher waist can make your legs look longer, especially if the denim is dark.
Then again, if you're going for that really fashionable high-waisted look, those chubby middle bits are harder to hide. The most revealing look, meant only for the lithe of limb, would be high-waisted and skinny-legged. However, for the more hourglass shaped, with a flatter tummy and a generous thigh, high-waisted and flared at the bottom is going to give a flattering, vintage feel that says ladylike 40s style or cruisy 70s boho.
In between, the rest of us will find the happy medium: a jean that has straight or boot-cut legs with a higher rise. In jeans-speak, the rise refers to how high the waistband rises from the crotch. And whereas, hipster jeans - cut so low the waistband almost sits on the crotch - saw the rise of the dreaded muffin for many an apple-shaped woman or the coin slot-builder's crack for others, this new movement towards higher-rise waistlines is the perfect solution.
For the fuller-figured, a slightly higher rise - where the waist sits below your belly button rather than on your hips - can elongate and flatter.
BOYFRIEND
Although the cut of the so-called boyfriend jean is generally straight, it's not a skinny pant. It's meant to look like you just put his pants on when you fell out of bed this morning. Or else it's charmingly tomboyish.
Which is why these jeans tend to be a looser fitting sort of pant. The baggy boyfriend jean is relatively shapeless and has the dangerous potential to make either your legs or waist look bigger. So they're going to look best on either a petite figure or a more hourglass shape. If you are a candidate for this style, go for a low-slung style that sits on the hip bones and emphasise your top half with something fitting.
BOOTLEGS
For several years these were the miracle jeans of choice. This is mainly because the bottom of the jeans' leg flares out a little at the calves, ostensibly to fit the top of a boot in there. But what a slight flare at the bottom also does is balance out your thighs and calves and give the impression of long, straight-up-and-down legs. Ta-dah. Flattering on almost everyone. Which is probably why, despite the proliferation of skinny leg jeans, the bootleg remains one of the most popular shapes.
But it is looking rather outdated these days - so if you don't want to look like you're wearing mum's jeans but are sold on a bootleg shape, then go for the ones that don't flare out quite as much at the ankle.
COLOURED
Coloured jeans look likely to be popular in coming months. Kate Moss has included a cherry red pair in her range for British chain Top Shop and there's plenty more where that came from. Those who like to wear bold colours probably don't need any advice - they'll be wearing banana yellow denims and loving it. Those who'd like to dabble but are worried about looking too colourful, might prefer to experiment with darker colours, like purple or blue, or even pastels. The latter are not yet readily available in New Zealand but, judging by international runways, should arrive in local malls shortly.
