Many couples find conception problems play havoc with their sex lives. Photo / 123RF
My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for about 18 months and it's not working. It's really stressful and totally devastating every time I get my period each month. We decided to take a break from trying to give ourselves a break and reconnect with each other instead of all the baby talk. The problem is, I think we have forgotten how to have sex for fun. Sex had become so clinical and regimented, always during ovulation each month, never "wasted" on non-ovulation days and we only did pretty stock-standard positions in the hope it would increase fertility. The spontaneity was totally gone. How do we get back to a more exciting love life and discover what we like again? And how do I stop thinking about babies every time we do it? - Jan
Dear Jan,
Many couples find conception problems play havoc with their sex lives. We want to say "Bravo!" for realising what has happened to your sex life and that you are wise in taking this break from trying to conceive. You can do much to get back to a more exciting sex life again.
Firstly, you may both want to look at your sexual connection with yourself. The imperative of conception encourages you to focus on your physiological performance, ovulation, hormone levels, sperm production etc. This functional take on reproduction strips away any notion or sense of us as erotic or sensual beings. It is the opposite of sexy. Reconnecting with your eroticism and perception of yourself as a sexual being is often a necessary first step.
Commit with a clear intention to reclaiming or reconnecting with that part of yourself. Recall or daydream about times when you felt sexually good about yourself, desirable and desired. Start to pay attention to what you find attractive, sexually alluring or arousing in any way. Then notice when you yourself feel sexually desirable.
Don't censor or judge your eroticism. Think about events from the past, the present or your imagination that stir a sexual or erotic feeling. It might be a memory of a past encounter, something in a book (try erotic fiction) or movie, a glimpse of your partner or a touch; it may be the sight of a stranger that sparks the sexual in you.
For others, reconnecting is more embodied or physical. It starts with gentle sensuosity, caressing themselves, feeling the sun on their back, the hot water in the shower, or getting a massage. This can extend to buying sensual and sexual pieces of clothing or reconnecting with sexual pleasure through masturbation.
Some people find it helpful to use a little exercise to reconnect with their body. Getting the blood pumping can help transition to sexual arousal. Sometimes that shift is easier with forms of exercise you find sensually pleasurable like dancing, yoga, swimming etc. There are also podcasts and readings online about reconnecting with your sexual self, which you may find helpful. There is no right or wrong way to be sexual. It's about finding what helps you rekindle a stronger sense of your sexual self again.
Not everyone works well solo in getting back in touch with themselves sexually. Some people's sexuality operates more in response to another person. If you are more like this, then it will involve some intimate talk with your spouse.
Talking about sex can be really helpful to get the erotic thread going again between you and your partner. Some people think sex should always just naturally "happen", as it does in the movies. That talking about sex "ruins it" and isn't sexy. We find this is usually because people are uncomfortable owning what they like. Yet all the research confirms people being able to talk to each other about sex leads to better sex.
An excellent way to begin can be for you two to reminisce about sexual events in your relationship that were great. Take turns talking about your memories of really "hot" moments or interactions. You could try saying what you each find sexually attractive or arousing about the other person. These might be personal qualities, "You make me laugh", parts of their bodies you find sexually attractive, "Your strong masculine hands", or whatever it is for you. As couples start to say this out loud, you can almost feel the sexual energy rekindling between them.
Sometimes people get worried about not feeling hot and horny enough or quick enough. The more they worry, the less aroused they get, leading to a vicious cycle culminating in the belief "I'm broken". Talk with your partner beforehand and ensure they are willing to take time and enjoy the journey. The more relaxed about it you are, the better.
Were you ever playful or flirty with each other? Now would be a good time to explore or reconnect with that side of your relationship. Tease your spouse, tickle them, play fight, do fun things that make you laugh. Make free use of innuendo and double entendre. And make sure you tell your partner when you desire them or feel sexually attracted to them. Send them sexy texts, notes, or pictures.
While some couples need a slow warm-up and to take small gradual steps to rekindle things, that's not right for everyone. Others need something intense and consuming to break the pattern of seriousness and structure that has developed around sex. Novelty or taking some risks can be helpful here. Try something you haven't done before – sex to music or outside, or going shopping together for a new toy. Are there things that have interested you but never shared for fear of being judged? Don't push yourself to do things that aren't "you", but consider taking the emotional risk of owning something that is "you" but you haven't dared share. Now could be a great time to take on that kind of challenge.
Sometimes your bedroom has become associated with programmatic sex. Consider other venues – a "naughty" night away or sex in different places in your home. You can also shift the ambience in your bedroom, turning it back into an erotic space or boudoir, removing clutter, changing bedding and lighting, and adding scented candles or suggestive art.
Taking more time to delight in the journey, not the destination, can be the most significant change. You are likely to have been focused on intercourse and ejaculation when trying to conceive. How much pleasure can you have together sexually without having intercourse? Widen your lens from the narrow path the conception imperative had forced into you. Massage, tongues, fingers, sex toys, hands stroking, sexy words; there are so many ways we can sexually pleasure each other rather than intercourse.
The more interesting, arousing, fun and exciting the sex becomes, the less your mind drifts back to babies. Be gentle with yourself if the old "conception" thought pattern pops up again. Don't fight it too much; let it drift past like a cloud, and then bring your attention back into the moment of seeing, smelling, tasting, feeling, and delighting in your sexual partner, your pleasure and what you are doing together. Dealing with these kinds of challenges can teach you things about your sexuality that will benefit you and give you pleasure for the rest of your life.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
They were in a 'secure and happy relationship' - until his mum interfered.