Ask the experts: Rest home romance - I have feelings for a fellow resident with dementia

Ageing does not preclude people from wanting companionship, closeness and romantic or intimate connection with another. Photo / Getty Images

Opinion

Hi Verity and Nic. This seems very unlikely, but I am a "doddery" old woman in my 90s and I have strong feelings for a "doddery" old man who seems to have a slight bit of dementia.  We are in a fairly small rest home together. I can't help thinking of him and it is affecting my appetite and sleep patterns. He is sometimes very nice to me and when I say I'd like to talk he says yes he'd like that very much too. Other times he just cuts me out and refuses to sit near me at activities etc. I feel he is even snubbing me although I haven't given him any reason for this action (like stalking or "chasing" him). I try not to think of him but then fall into a deep depression. It is not feasible to change rest homes and feel I am stuck with these feelings 'til one of us passes away. This is more hurtful than any physical pain. - Diana.

Thank you so much, Diana, for sharing your concerns with us. There's nothing unlikely about it – love, care, and infatuation are not under our conscious control, nor any respecter of age. Research indicates this is happening more and more as we live longer. In our experience, older people having strong feelings for fellow residents in care homes is a growing issue that needs urgent discussion.

Sadly, it is the norm for people in rest homes to be considered "too old" to be interested in romantic or sexual relationships. Ageing does not preclude anyone from wanting companionship, closeness and romantic or intimate connection with another. There is so much loss involved in growing older that society mustn't rob those ageing of their right and pleasure to pursue a relationship in all its forms. Regrettably, too many family members and care facilities act in ways that add this loss to all the other many losses. This needs to change.

Research shows that maintaining connection has many benefits for the ageing. It eases loneliness, lifts mood, and even has possible health benefits such as boosting immunity and reducing the subjective experience of pain.

However, you are saying that this relationship is causing you pain. It's always difficult when someone you care about is erratic in their behaviour towards you. The most straightforward way to clarify confusion about someone else's behaviour is to ask them about it. However, that is usually scary, making us vulnerable to rejection or attack.

Would you be willing to have a direct conversation with him about what is happening for him when you experience him snubbing you? It would be important to raise it in a way that isn't blaming him – talking about your own confusion in the changes you experience in his treatment of you.

There may be many things going on for him that are separate from his feelings for you. You make mention of his dementia, so we assume you wonder if this is responsible for his abrupt changes of attitude towards you. It is not unusual with dementia for someone's functioning to fluctuate hour to hour and day to day. The potential impact of his dementia is something you could talk to him about if you pick the right time. So many people are afraid to speak directly with those affected about cognitive decline and how they experience it. Yet it is something they are dealing with daily.

Those times when he does seem open and present to you would be ideal. Say something about how much you enjoy and appreciate his friendliness or warmth, and then ask if he's aware that he's not always like that towards you. If it is his dementia impacting his behaviour, then it may be necessary for you to find a place of acceptance as this is not something about which he will have a choice.

If it seems too challenging to talk directly with him about that, we wonder if there is one of the staff with whom you have a good enough connection and whose discretion you could trust to talk to about your experiences with your friend. They may understand and know things about his dementia that you don't.

There are many other possible explanations for his fluctuating treatment of you besides dementia. For example, he might be concerned about how others perceive your relationship – small communities like rest homes tend to be full of gossip. At a more personal level, he may fear your relationship getting too intense or serious for his comfort. Some men have talked about the benefits of their being so few older men and enjoying the attentions of multiple women, and not wanting to get too identified with just one relationship. All sorts of things could be going on for him, and you won't know unless you ask.

Whether it's dementia or something else, his behaviour likely has little to do with you and a lot to do with things inside him. While it's understandable that it hurts when a friend snubs you, it's not usual for it to cause deep depression. Are there particular reasons related to your history as to why this is having such an impact on you? Many of us have old wounds or fears about our worth or importance that get activated when we feel rejected. Reflecting and talking about these and placing the emotions in their historical context may help ease the pain of your present-day situation. Is there a family member or friend who visits you who would be sympathetic and non-judgemental with whom you could have this kind of talk? If your depression becomes worse or more lasting, discuss it with your doctor. Too many elderly are left untreated for clinical depression, causing needless suffering.

Psychologists Verity Thom and Nic Beets are specialist relationship and sex therapists. Photo / Dean Purcell

If his erratic behaviour is caused by things he can't change, like dementia or a lifelong relational style, then the reality is that you will have to find a means to live with the pain of that ongoing grief. If this is the case, then enriching your life with more stimulation and purpose in other ways may be a wiser path to choose than trying to get him to give you the consistent attention you desire.

It would be wise to make sure you have other friends and interests that stimulate you so that you are not only focusing on your interest in him and allowing it to be all-consuming. Despite what the songwriters say, it is not ever wise for another person to become our everything. The strength of your feelings about him when you think about him may be symbolic of bigger issues for you around lack of stimulation and loneliness. What else exciting and stimulating do you have in your week? Are you going on any trips that are arranged for residents, saying yes to all activities on offer or even suggesting ones you would enjoy if those on offer seem dull to you? This may be harder work in the short term than ruminating on someone you see every day but ultimately may lead to greater happiness as you feel like your life is more under your control.

• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.