Raising the idea of opening up a marriage can be tricky and should be approached carefully. Photo / 123RF
Dear Verity & Nic,
My partner and I got together and had kids young. We've always joked about our lack of sexual experience with others but now the kids are older and have left home, it's become a real issue for me. I have no desire to break up our marriage
or hurt my wife, but I am jealous of the sexual freedom I hear others having. My wife is open-minded but I can't imagine how to bring this topic up with her. How do I be honest without doing harm? - Mark
Dear Mark,
Despite the cultural shift toward more acceptance of "consensual non-monogamy" (CNM), it is still tricky to bring up as it can readily trigger a threat and defence response. Expect to need to reassure your wife that raising this does not stem from a rejection of her; it's not that she's "not sexy enough" or that you find her boring or unattractive. Instead, it's a yearning for freedom to have sexual experiences with other people. Stress that it is about "adding something in", not moving away from her.
To be productive, it will require courage and careful preparation for the first of these conversations. Do expect it to require a series of discussions and make that clear to your wife. Show understanding for her distress if you are questioning the monogamous foundation of your relationship when she is not. It can throw someone and shake up their world when you are raising a new idea that seems so foreign and threatening to them.
CNM is a complex issue to navigate, there are many pitfalls, and we are surprised how many people go into this territory without doing their research. Some of the books and websites on the topic will have sections on talking to your partner about opening up that you might find helpful. We strongly encourage you to read them and learn from those who have gone before. It can help you and your partner get your head around the challenges and risks you are taking as well as the potential benefits.
Get clear about what stage are you up to before you talk to your spouse. Do you just want to start chatting with your wife about these thoughts and feelings you are having, hear hers, and maybe work out whether this is something you both might want to act on or not? It is usually easier for your partner to listen and engage if she feels included at an early stage. That is less threatening for her than hearing that you have already given it some thought and you have decided that you want to ask her to try this relationship style.
However, if you are already quite clear that this is something you want to try, then be upfront with her about this but give her time to adjust and be patient and tolerant if she has an initial adverse reaction. Give her space to talk out her responses.
If you have already given it some thought, it would be wise to be as clear as possible about what interests you. CNM is a broad category, and it may help your partner adjust if she is not trying to get her head around every possible option or jumping to the wrong conclusions about what you are asking.
There are many ways to break things down, but one way is to think about three categories of CNM:
• Open relationship – we are both free to have casual, one-off hook-up sex with others.
• Swinging – we have sex with other people, but our partner is around. This includes everything from casual threesomes to regular attendance at swinging parties.
• Polyamory – we have ongoing sexual and romantic relationships with others.
There are, of course, many variations within each of these and much to be explored and discussed regarding how you manage boundaries, but this gives you a place to begin. Do you know, roughly, where your interests lie? Do you have an inkling of what your partner might be open to?
It's important to stress that the intention is that you only do things with your partner's consent and that in having this conversation, she is not opening the door to something for which she is not ready. For CNM to work, whatever variety you choose, the nature, limits and boundaries have been explored and discussed well ahead of time. So, for example, I might be comfortable with an open relationship, so long as it involves my partner having sex with people I will never have to meet, and it doesn't put our sexual health at risk. So, in practice, she only has sex with others when she's in a different city and only with people willing to use barrier methods of sexual safety.
We hope you are aware that while you seek sexual freedom, practising CNM well involves a lot of admin and great care. So, while it may lead to new sexual experiences with others, it can sometimes not feel that "free" because of all the care and communication required to make it work well. It is certainly not a license to go and do whatever you want, however you want.
One more thing to clarify is how important this is to you in the scheme of things. Would you end your relationship over it? If it's not, tell your wife this to start with so she does not feel pressured to agree for fear that you might leave her or go behind her back. Whatever you do, don't reassure her if you don't mean it. That's a recipe for insecurity and infidelity down the line. If it is that important to you, you will need to tell her this at some stage, but maybe not in the first conversation.
Whenever there's a challenging topic to discuss, we recommend you start by letting your wife know that you are going to raise a tricky subject and that you want to do it well and as far as possible not to cause hurt. Pick a wise time to start your talk and tell her that you don't expect to have the issue sorted in one go. Perhaps there might be a need to take breaks and return to this discussion multiple times, giving you time to breathe, reflect and gather your thoughts, particularly if things are getting tense.
You are certainly not alone in considering looking beyond monogamy, and it sounds like you are wisely looking to include your partner in your thinking early on. A good approach is for you to be open and transparent in what you want, to give your spouse time to adjust, and to show care and interest in her thoughts and feelings about the issues If you can manage all this, it's almost certainly going to be a conversation that enhances the intimacy in your relationship, whatever you eventually decide to do.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
A sex educator has answers on the ins-and-outs of sexual intercourse.