Should I let my new partner lend me the money to pay off my credit card debt? Photo / Getty Images
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I got into a new relationship about six months ago and things are going really well. Coming into the relationship I had about $10,000 of debt across a few credit cards that I’ve slowly been chipping away at. My partner comes from a very wealthy family, whereas I was raised by a solo parent with limited income and as a result we view money quite differently. I didn’t take on this debt lightly, I never miss a payment and I’m on track to pay it off in my own time. My partner, however, is worried about the amount of interest I’m paying and has offered to pay my debt in full. It would be an interest-free loan that I would repay to him over time. It’s an appealing offer as it’s a great financial move for me but I worry it could end up hanging over our relationship or turn into an issue if we break up. I also worry he’ll be offended if I turn it down. Where do I go from here? Thanks – Olivia
Dear Olivia,
Your hesitancy makes sense on many levels. Six months is not a long time to feel confident that you are going to be together long-term. If you are hoping that this will be a long-lasting relationship, then there’s more to think about than just how to manage your credit card debt. Pragmatically, you could take his loan (it does make financial sense), and if you break up, just put the money back on to your credit card and pay him back immediately. However, this doesn’t address the bigger implications of the differences in your financial power.
A large disparity in wealth is a significant power difference, and handling power well is crucial to fairness and stability in a relationship. Nic defines power in his book Make Love Work as “the relative ease or difficulty with which you can get the relationship to work the way you want; how much influence you have over how decisions affecting you get made”.
The larger issues are all there in your dilemma about your partner’s well-intentioned and appealing offer of a loan. Accepting may leave you feeling beholden (literally indebted), creating a sense of obligation and of feeling trapped. At the same time, you worry that if you don’t accept his largesse, he will be offended. We imagine the latter fear comes because you suspect he wouldn’t understand why you might choose to refuse his offer.
To begin with, you need to work out what level of financial generosity you can accept – what fits with your values and integrity. You need to work out a boundary around this that you can maintain with good grace. There’s no objective right or wrong here, just what fits who you are and how you want to live. Is there a level of support you can tolerate without feeling obligated or inferior? Would accepting the loan on the understanding you will repay it immediately if the relationship ends be okay for you? Or is it important for you to maintain your financial independence and deal with your situation using your own resources? Are you willing to allow him to pay for some shared things (e.g. expensive dining) or give expensive gifts when you can’t reciprocate in kind?
You need to work out what is okay for you now. If circumstances change (e.g. if you have been living together for a few years), it may feel appropriate to shift your boundary. But it’s important that the relationship starts off in a way that doesn’t compromise your self-respect or values. This is about power, not money, and for your emotional well-being, you need to establish equality of power in the relationship, regardless of your differing financial status.
Having got clear in yourself where you are on this issue, we suggest that you then talk together about the bigger picture before you get to the details of this particular decision. There are many issues that come up where there is a significant wealth difference. Being poorer, you have many fewer choices than your partner about what you do. This has implications for him, too. The standard of living you can afford would probably count as a hardship for him! For example, if he wants to holiday overseas at a luxury hotel, presumably, you will not be able to join in unless he pays more. But don’t agree to that if it requires a level of dependence that doesn’t feel appropriate for you emotionally and ethically.
Very often, the person with more power doesn’t see the problem. In this case, your partner may be only too willing to help you out with your loan (or pay for you to come on holiday with him) and genuinely believes that there are “no strings attached”. However, that’s clearly not how it feels to you. It is vital for your future well-being that your partner shows empathy for the dilemmas that face you about handling your wealth disparity. Your sense of autonomy and dignity are important, and if he can’t see that letting him pay for everything is a threat to that, then that would be a potential red flag for equity in the relationship going forward.
If he doesn’t have much experience with the challenges of being poor, then he may struggle to understand. That’s not a problem, so long as he is open to learning and understanding. You may need to be patient as you explain what it’s like to have such limited choices that credit card debt is your best option. You might also want to talk about what it’s like always to be beholden to a landlord, to have to choose between healthcare or food or to be desperate to hold on to an unfulfilling job if things like that are part of your experience.
Stress that his being on the high side of the power difference between you is not a bad thing about him, but it does create problems for you. If he can’t hear that and reacts defensively, that would be another red flag. Sadly many people from privileged backgrounds are very invested in the myth of equal opportunity and hear any discussion of structural inequality or systemic oppression as criticism or attack.
The two of you need to come up with a way to handle this structural imbalance in your relationship that works for both of you. There is no objectively correct way to do this, it’s a matter of your individual circumstances and preferences. How much is he willing to support or subsidise you, and how much support are you willing to accept? What will it mean for you to have a lifestyle that’s beyond your personal means? How will he feel about it in the long term? What happens when your relationship runs into difficulties (as all relationships do)?
All couples have to deal with differences and there are all kinds of structural inequalities besides financial (ethnicity, health status, education, etc.) that many couples manage to navigate successfully. The key thing is for you to take the time and have the care to arrive at a solution that works for both of you rather than automatically favouring the one with more power.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
Relationship expert Nic Beets shares his insights – and four Kiwis share their stories.