Being partnered with someone with a strong connection to their children can be a challenge. Photo / Getty Images
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My partner of more than a year has a 10-year-old from a prior relationship and the parents share joint custody.
The parents and child speak one to three times a day. The child requests that they do exclusive activities together on every conceivable special occasion from Christmas lunch to a special birthday dinner which gets obliged because “it’s what the child wants”.
If I object to the events given it excludes me and builds their exclusive family unit with the child, which I don’t think is appropriate, it becomes “I don’t understand that the child is the priority”.
Part of the reason it is an issue for me is because the ex has harassed me, trash talks me to my boyfriend and it has rubbed off on the child’s attitude. There don’t seem to be any boundaries and no consistency.
Where is appropriate to draw the line? If I’m not okay with this and my partner doesn’t see an issue or want to change, is it a matter of walking away? Thanks, KL
Dear KL,
Being partnered with someone with a strong connection to their children can be a challenge, but we suggest there’s quite a bit you can try before you need to walk away.
The first thing we would stress is that it is common for many parents to minimise the involvement of “newish” partners with their children for some valid reasons. It may not feel like it, but your relationship is still relatively new. It doesn’t sound like you are living together yet, and many people wisely don’t assume a relationship is permanent until they have been living together for a couple of years.
Your partner may be keeping you away from their child to protect the child from the potential hurt of forming an attachment to you and then this ending if your adult relationship doesn’t last. In that case, explore when your partner imagines this might change. What is his threshold for having the confidence to start integrating you into his relationship with his child? As we have said in previous columns, if push comes to shove, a good parent will always put their child’s needs first, and their partners must accept this if it is based on valid concerns.
However, after divorce, it is also relatively common for parents to go too far, accommodating their children’s preferences. This is often driven by guilt or fear of losing their child’s affection, but this is not a wise course of action. The guilt may arise if a parent worries the child may see them as more to blame for the separation. So your partner may feel insecure about their child’s affection and be bending over backwards not to upset them. Another concerning possibility is that your partner may be trying to act to their child as if “nothing has changed”. Some parents, particularly those who experienced their own parents’ separation as terribly hurtful, fear that the divorce may similarly “damage” their children. If any of these are happening, your questioning his judgment may be of real benefit, both to him and his child.
So it is essential that you sit and talk much further with your partner to find out the reasons behind their approach to excluding you from special occasions with their child and having daily calls and the co-parent often being spoken with daily also. If he is poor at setting boundaries, feels insecure in his child’s affection, feels guilty or is bullied by his co-parent, then your role may be to challenge him gently.
With compassion, point out that these are not helpful approaches and that these choices may prevent you and him from developing a solid relationship. Being at the mercy of these kinds of fears may create problems further down the track for him and his child. Discussing these concerns with a blended family specialist might be helpful, as this type of conversation can be tricky.
You seem to imply that you hope to build a sense of family with your partner that includes his child. It’s a lovely goal, but it’s a long-term one. Make sure that your actions now don’t make that harder in the future. It sounds like you experience his actions to care for his child as being directed against you. This is not a prudent way to view his actions. If you love your partner for who he is, then part of that is loving and accepting his father’s heart.
The role of the step-parent requires much patience as the pace of change depends on the child’s situation and needs. If acting this way feels unfair, you may want to think about why it’s so easy for you to feel unimportant or unwanted. Are there experiences in your upbringing or with past partners (or both) that gave you a belief or fear that you don’t matter, aren’t important, aren’t wanted or something similar?
Dealing with hostile exes who use co-parenting as an opportunity to cause harm is a very trying part of many people’s relationships. If she is poisoning the child against you, that is cruel and unkind to the child, let alone you. What’s important is that you develop a strategy for dealing with it that you both agree on.
Has your partner tried to talk to his ex about this and encouraged her to stop this? Does your partner work to actively counter this negative attitude toward you in his child and foster her having a respectful, if neutral, attitude toward you? This would be good for both you and the child if you do end up staying in this relationship long-term and seeing more of his child. Building a strong blended family is a project of many years. Be assured that, in time, the child will develop their own relationship with you and make up their own mind about what kind of person you are, regardless of what their mother says.
Another boundary issue to explore is why he needs to speak on the phone to his co-parent daily. This seems unusual, and it’s reasonable for you to question it. On the other hand, having daily phone contact with his child, we encourage you to consider a good thing that fosters secure attachment. It also allows your partner to remain close and connected to their child even when their child stays with the other parent. If this imposes a lot on your couple time, you can discuss this with your partner and see if he can make some adjustments. For example, calling at other times or making exceptions on your birthday or when you are out on a special date. Again, we would encourage you to focus on the long term.
If you’re confident you are not acting out of past hurts, this is not the time to walk away unless your partner refuses to discuss things with you. It’s time to engage with care and interest about what you want and what your partner wants. Expect that they will differ in places and that there will need to be a lot of discussion, reflection and negotiation on both sides before you find a way forward that works for you both. But if you both proceed with care and goodwill, you will build the foundations of a solid relationship. One that has room for his child to feel safe and welcome and for you both to feel wanted, important and loved.
Nic Beets’ new book Make Love Work - A Practical Guide to Relationship Success (Allen & Unwin) is out now.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
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