Ending a long-term marriage is a challenging thing to do. Photo / Getty Images
Do you have any sex or relationship issues you’d like help with? Send your questions to our experts at questions@nzherald.co.nz
Hi,
I have been married for over 30 years but our relationship has declined since Covid. I found out earlier this year that my husband had an affair with a mutual friend last year. He says it is over, but still wants to keep her as a friend and travels frequently with her as they are involved in sport together. I have categorically told him that he needs to cut all ties with her if he wants to stay married to me, but he says I need to let it go. He does not want to do any counselling together nor does he want a separation. I have reached my limit and want to separate, but have nowhere to go. Any guidance/advice is appreciated. Thanks, T.
Dear T,
Gosh, you have been through a tough time! Learning your partner of 30 years has had an affair is bad enough. But to have him refuse to engage around it and expect you to accept him continuing to have contact with his partner in the affair is rubbing salt into the wound.
We are struck by the long list of things your husband is not prepared to do and are wondering what consequences of his hurtful behaviour he is willing to accept. Has he taken any steps to “clean up his mess” and restore things with you? Or does he act as if he is entitled to do whatever he wants without consequence? It is a giant red flag if someone has an affair but then shows no willingness to do what is required to restore the broken trust or show empathy for your vulnerability. So it makes sense you are considering separating.
Before you commit to that path, there are a few things we suggest you reflect on. It sounds like you have done an excellent job of working out what you want and then expressing it to your partner. You have asked him not to continue with contact with his affair partner and to do couple counselling. That is stage one of assertiveness. These are both wise and reasonable expectations.
We wonder what you did when your partner refused to agree to your reasonable requests. Follow-through is an equally important part of being assertive and having healthy boundaries. For example, did you say that your absolute bottom line for remaining in the marriage was for him to attend couple counselling? It can be tough to follow through on something vital for our safety, but which we fear might lead to our partner leaving us. As hard as it is, it is essential to be willing to do whatever is required to be safe in a relationship. Right now, your partner has been proven to be untrustworthy. Unless he does something to rectify that, you are not safe.
In such a situation, you have nothing to lose in following through and insisting on your “bottom line” requirement of him attending counselling. You can also do the same over his contact with his affair partner. In our experience, someone in your situation can’t settle down and “let it go” when there is ongoing contact like that. The self-protective part of our brains (our amygdala) cannot settle when there is such an evident threat to our safety.
Sometimes, when a partner senses that you really mean business, that you will leave, they realise that their desire for the marriage to continue is under threat, and it is in their own best interest to at least attend counselling. Please ensure you find a counsellor with specific training and experience in working with infidelity – it is a specialist area. We have trained dozens of counsellors in this skill set, so we know that good people are out there.
Of course, even if you follow through on your boundaries, there is no guarantee your husband will agree to counselling. Suppose he continues to refuse to address the consequences of his choices (e.g., by attending counselling or ending his contact with his affair partner). In that case, he is effectively saying he will not do his part to maintain the marriage. At that point you would be wise to separate as you no longer have a functioning partnership. You have a dictatorship where he believes he can do what he wants, and you have to put up with it. That is not healthy or safe for you.
Ending a long-term marriage is a challenging thing to do. Understandably, you sound anxious about separating, but we are not sure about the particulars of your situation. You say that you “have nowhere to go”. We aren’t clear if you mean you feel emotionally isolated and have no friends or family you can reach out to for support. Or that you have little money or none that you can access and don’t believe you have any practical options for separation.
Striking out on your own after 30 years is daunting. It can seem so overwhelming with all the logistics, practical barriers and myriad things to consider, that it can seem impossible. Hopefully, you know that many others have been in your situation of wanting to leave but feeling overwhelmed and stuck. The good news is that by taking one step at a time and not thinking about everything at once, even women with little money who are pretty isolated can, over time, work out a way to leave.
Sometimes, the first step is speaking honestly with a good friend or family member. If you know someone who has successfully separated, they can be a good resource if they accept that your situation differs from theirs. If there is no one who can help you, seeking a counsellor would be a good idea. Several agencies provide low-cost, confidential counselling for women in your situation. Your local Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) or Community Centre should be able to point you in their direction. There is also the text and phone service on 1737.
If you have some support but don’t think you have the financial resources, seek legal advice. If you can’t afford a lawyer, then some CABs offer free general legal advice that might assist you. Slowly start doing practical research about places you might live, rents, benefits and living alone supplements. Visit local women’s or community centres where you might get social or practical support. It may take time to work out how to separate, and it may require many significant scary changes, but most women find a way to make it work once they realise that the alternative is to continue to live with a lack of safety. Many clients have said it was far lonelier living with someone they knew didn’t care for them than living alone.
Finally, we, sadly, need to encourage you to take special care of your physical safety if you decide to separate against your partner’s wishes. Statistically, this is when women are at greatest risk of violence from their partners, even when there has been no previous history of assault. So carefully plan how you will tell your partner and ensure you have support nearby or even with you when you tell him.
You are thinking well and clearly and deserve to have a life where you can be safe and feel respected. Please don’t settle for less.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
The century-old British carmaker's new logo and latest ads have raised eyebrows.