Navigating different opinions on things such as vaccinations can be difficult for relationships. Photo / Mark Mitchell
Hi, my husband and I have known each other for 40 years, been married for 37 years. In the last 5 years my husband has changed his political views and has become a Trump-supporting conspiracy theorist, anti-vaxx and all of those trimmings. He is now down in Wellington protesting the vaccine mandates. I am a nurse, triple vaccinated, I work in a busy hospital where Covid has taken its toll. He is so far down the rabbit hole, I am afraid he will never come back. He has struggled with depression for the last 20 years and I wonder if this is related. I still love him and care about him deeply, I just don't know what to do about his beliefs. I am coming up to retirement in the next few years and the idea of going into retirement with a strained relationship is daunting. I am worried that his newfound interest is far more important to him than his adult children, grandchildren and myself. Any suggestions in how to navigate this situation? - Chrissie.
Dear Chrissie,
That is a challenging situation and one that is playing out in relationships around the country. Working out how to navigate your differences respectfully and collaboratively is a hallmark of strong intimate relationships, but it can be very challenging at the best of times. And these are not the best of times. It has recently become more of a social norm to be hostile and contemptuous towards those who think differently. This is bad for our society but appalling for intimate relationships. It is not necessary or inevitable. We have seen couples respectfully and lovingly navigate great divides such as Christian and atheist, pro and anti-abortion or assisted death.
Unfortunately, sometimes our integrity will not tolerate the difference with a partner; we may lose respect or feel too compromised sharing our lives with them. In these cases, your different views and opinions have entered the territory of possible deal-breakers, and the best choice for a peaceful retirement without compromising your integrity or your life being too strained may well be to separate. When this occurs, most couples find it very sad as often other aspects of their relationship are still working very well, and as you mention, there can still be a great deal of love between them. Fortunately, it sounds like there is a lot you could explore before you get to that place.
Rather than getting caught up in the specific content of your various concerns, we suggest that you focus instead on HOW you talk to each other and treat each other. The tone, manner, and subtext of what we say is a far more powerful part of communication than the content, especially in intimate relationships. The other person "reads" our attitude and interprets whether we are with or against them. Emphasise collaborating as respectful allies to work out how you are going to live well together given your differences.
When we feel threatened, our "self-protection system" (amygdala, limbic system) activates, and we go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. The threat doesn't have to be physical; it can "just" be to our psychological sense of ourselves, our worldview. When self-protection is triggered, the blood flow is reduced to the reasoning and planning parts of our brain (frontal lobes), meaning there is less of a brake on our defensive behaviour, and we are not good at seeing the consequences of our actions.
It is difficult to stay steady, present, and connected to our partner when we are putting a lot of energy into protecting ourselves. Particularly if, because of our disagreements, our self-protection system sees our partner as one of the things threatening us. When this state becomes chronic, we are in danger of protecting ourselves out of our relationship. This may be part of what is going on for you and your husband. Our self-protection system is reflexive, not rational, so it's no good trying to reason someone out of that place. You must make them feel safe with you.
One path you might take is to talk with your husband about how the clash of your beliefs threatens the relationship and your fervent desire that this doesn't continue. Invite him to be part of working out how the two of you are going to live together and work together as a team without so much strain and tension. If you and he have resolved other significant differences over the years or found ways to adjust and live happily with differences in the past, then remind your husband of this and speak with hope and faith that you and he can find a way to reduce the strain and stress this is all causing.
It's vital that you have the humility to put your beliefs and behaviour out there as just as responsible for this damage to the relationship as his. Don't fall into the trap of blaming him for being different from you (or from what he was like five years ago). The attitude needs to be "we have a problem; we have a big difference over some important issues", not "you are a problem because you believe things I don't". If you take the lead on this, it's important you recognise that positioning yourself against him, judging him and wanting to "Do something about his beliefs" will only increase your partners' sense of threat and isolation.
You may well be right that your husbands' current interests and beliefs are somehow related to his depression. Obsessive negative rumination can be one hallmark of severe depression. Untreated or lingering depression are serious matters that do require action, but, in this case, we think it best if you addressed this as a stand-alone concern. Linking his beliefs and depression will likely be read (correctly) as an attempt to undermine his views' credibility and will only inflame the situation. It is akin to telling an angry woman with PMT that what she says is "just your hormones talking". This kind of dismissive attitude will only fuel further protective behaviours from your husband.
Stress that, although it's a good thing that you both are concerned about the state of the world, none of those concerns is worth losing your 40-year partnership over. In the present atmosphere, it will be hard for you both to not fall back into the content about mandates, vaccinations, conspiracies, what's "real", etc. Commit to keeping "saving our relationship" as a higher priority than "saving the world".
For yourself, be aware of any fears or beliefs you have that will aggravate things emotionally by tipping you into self-protection. For example, thinking your husbands' interests are more important to him than his family might be rooted in your own insecurities about being unimportant to those you love.
It is not unreasonable to hope that his becoming less depressed may lead to him being more able to stay steady, open, present, and connected with you and able to work with you as a team to reduce the strain that your different beliefs are causing you both. If you can find your way back to mutual respect and caring, and work together again as a team to reclaim your treasured partnership, it may take you a long way.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
At 59, the Kiwi actor hopes to help shift the discourse around women's health.