What should you do if your partner has no interest in having sex? Photo / 123rf
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I’ve been married to my husband for 25 years and we’d had a healthy sex life until a few years ago when it started to deteriorate. He’s said he has no interest in having sex anymore and I’m lucky if I get one kiss a day. He doesn’t seem to have a problem with this as he reckons it’s just what happens as people get older and have been together for so many years. It’s a huge problem for me though because physical touch is my love language and I feel like this could be the end of the marriage for me.
When I’ve subtly dropped suggestions about separating he’s indicated it would have a huge impact on his mental health. I don’t want to hurt him but I also don’t think I can stay in a celibate marriage. What should I do? - Lauren
Hello Lauren,
Understandably, you are distressed at this change in your partner and anxious about the implications for your future. However, our first recommendation is for you to slow down. Before concluding that your only choices are celibacy or separation, there are many things to explore and understand.
It sounds like the two of you aren’t operating as a team. He made a decision on his own, and now you are contemplating responding unilaterally. That’s a recipe for hurt and frustration in what is supposed to be a partnership.
As we have mentioned previously in this column, people often pursue closeness (and how comfortable it feels in the moment) at the expense of true intimacy. The vulnerability of “into-me-see”, revealing what we honestly think and feel, is usually uncomfortable, so we avoid it. So conflicts remain unresolved, important aspects of our lives are not discussed, and negotiating our differences is left to our unconscious. The result is that our anxieties and insecurities dominate the relationship. It sounds like this is where the two of you have ended up.
There is so much you and your partner need to discuss. Although uncomfortable, these risky, deep, vulnerable conversations can often lead to a significant breakthrough in us being intimately connected. If you find that you aren’t equipped to do this yourselves, you can always contact a relationship or sex therapist to help you have the conversation productively, but we encourage you to “have a go” yourselves first.
You can certainly have a “bottom line” around wanting to be in a sexual relationship. However, we suspect that by letting your distress get the better of you and hinting at separation, you have significantly increased the anxiety around this topic. We suggest you apologise to your partner for that and emphasise that you want the relationship to continue and to work together to find a solution that fits you both. But be clear that it’s not okay for him to make decisions about major aspects of your relationship without consulting you. Stress that you need to have more of a team approach to important issues like the role of sex, affection and intimacy in your relationship.
Begin by inviting him to tell you more about what has been going on for him around sex in recent years. He will probably want to avoid this level of intimacy and stick to the superficial answers he’s already offered.
This is a time for you to be warmly assertive and insist. Stress your intention to find a way to meet in the middle where what is going on for him can be addressed but that staying sexually connected might still be possible.
There are very many reasons men can experience a drop in desire for sex, particularly as they age. If your husband was used to libido-driven sex, to feeling “horny” as the primary path into being sexual, then the gradual drop in testosterone all men experience post-40 may have given him the impression he can’t be sexual anymore because he no longer “feels like it”. The notion of getting to sex through choice and willingness – having sex because you want it rather than because you feel like it- may be an unfamiliar and challenging notion to him.
That drop in testosterone is often accompanied by a change in erectile functioning, the dreaded “ED”. This is typically a source of shame and anxiety for men. Even if you have been entirely unbothered by it, he may experience it as “failure” or a reflection of his masculinity and want to avoid the distressing feelings those internal judgments raise. If this has been part of his recent experience, he needs to talk about it and not let these unkind beliefs dominate his view of himself. Has your partner explored the use of Viagra? If not, this is a pretty safe medication that can make a significant change for many men.
You might like to share with him that many couples find that the changes imposed by age (such as ED for men, and difficulty lubricating for women) force them to get creative in how they approach sex. This can lead to a renaissance in a couple’s experience of sex, as the focus comes off intercourse and even off orgasm, and they explore sex as a way to connect, have fun, and find pleasure together. With no expectations or script, sex can become much more personal and freer.
Other challenges may be impacting his energy and enthusiasm for sex. Life can get tougher as we age, with more losses and griefs– e.g. friends, jobs, or physical abilities. A common challenge is approaching retirement and possibly losing their working identity. Some men experience reduced sexual desire if they have a grief adjustment problem or become depressed to some degree.
We wonder how much pressure your partner has had from you. You say that touch is your love language and imply that you are missing affectionate touch. Is it safe for your husband to show you affection? It’s a common mistake for frustrated high-desire partners to take caring touch as an opportunity to be sexual. Typically, this makes their spouse avoid all forms of touch. You might want to explore whether reclaiming hugs, cuddling and non-sexual kissing is possible. This will require you to respect your partner’s boundaries – to not move things in a sexual direction without obtaining his consent.
Are there insecurities for you about your attractiveness, worth or importance that lead you to seek reassurance through sex? This can create undercurrents that can make sex off-putting for our partners. At some level, they know that the sex is more about your anxiety than your desire for them. We are not saying this is the case, merely offering it as an example of something that might be going on for you that is making it more difficult for your partner to get to sex.
In a quarter century, you have probably faced several challenges together. We encourage you to draw on those experiences and focus on working as a team to deal with this challenge. Keep your focus on intimacy – exploring your differences rather than avoiding them. Stay open and hopeful about the possibility of an outcome that works for you both without pre-empting what that might be. The result may not be exactly what you expected, but if it’s intimate and shared, it will be a good basis for the future of your relationship.
Nic Beets’ new book Make Love Work - A Practical Guide to Relationship Success (Allen & Unwin) is out now.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
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