Ask the experts: My husband and I are ripping each other apart - do we divorce for the sake of the kids?

Research confirms that regular exposure to hostility between their parents negatively impacts children. Photo / 123RF

Do you have any sex or relationship issues you’d like help with? Send your questions through to our experts at questions@nzherald.co.nz.

My husband and I are ripping each other apart and I wonder if this is maybe the end. We bicker and fight all the time and recently this has been happening in front of our two primary school children. It is breaking my heart that we are yelling in front of them and they are seeing their mum and dad treat each other like this. At other times we barely talk and are cold and distant. Deep down I believe we still care for each other but we’re stressed all the time and never spend time as a couple. I am thinking of leaving as I won’t let my children be affected badly by our relationship problems. - Sue

Dear Sue,

We applaud you for being concerned about the impact on your children. Research confirms that regular exposure to hostility between their parents negatively impacts children. We also know that fighting causes emotional bruising for couples and that angry words can erode goodwill and respect for each other. So it is good that you think things can’t go on like this; letting the aggression go on harms both you and the children.

However, we are not sure that the best first option is for you to leave the marriage, particularly as you think you both still care for each other. When people truly no longer care for the other person, they tend to behave indifferently towards them. That doesn’t sound like your situation.

It’s possible that your relationship is beyond repair, but that doesn’t mean it has to end in a “car crash” mess. It is always wiser for couples to see if they can steady things, stop the fighting, talk with each other, and consider carefully, “Is this really the end of the line for us?” This honours your relationship far more than letting things rip apart and walking away hostile and hurt. Ending like that is a terrible way to begin negotiating separation and a poor starting place from which to develop your crucial long-term co-parenting relationship.

One way to determine if your relationship has become unworkable is to see if you can pull together to stop unproductive interactions and fighting. This can prove a big turning point for some couples. The break from fighting can give you time to reconnect with the care and love you feel towards each other again and provide energy and hope for taking further steps to improve your relationship. So the first step is to stop doing harm, stop fighting and stop having unproductive conversations.

We recommend that you see if your partner is willing to work with you to stop the damage to your relationship and family. If you don’t think this is a conversation that you can have safely, try writing a letter. Written communication slows things down. It gives you time to consider your words and for your partner to mull over his response and get past any initial knee-jerk reactions. Keep the letter brief but heartfelt. If you hope the relationship can continue, say this and stress you still care for him. Talk about your positive intentions and goals. Don’t get into any analysis (especially about him) but say that you think the two of you can do this if you pull together. If you have got through tough things before as a couple, you can remind him of that.

If your partner will not agree to try to work together to stop the fighting, this is a tricky situation for you. How far are you prepared to back yourself and prevent your partner from making a terrible mistake by not trying to improve things? One viable choice is to insist that it’s “couple therapy or separation”. We have often worked very successfully with couples where one person is only there because their partner will leave if things don’t change. Your seriousness is best communicated by you adopting a very still and calm demeanour rather than heightened emotionality and over-talking. Calmness is usually how we know someone means business, and it is more likely to get his attention.

On the other hand, if your partner agrees to work with you to turn things around, we suggest you focus on interrupting the pattern of escalation by learning to take a time out.

For this to work, you must both agree that using time out is a good idea. That is, you are each giving your partner consent, in advance, to take a time out, without explanation or justification whenever they think it necessary.

You need to assume that if your partner uses this tool, they are doing it to try and look after the relationship. They are trying to stay connected to you, not run away from you. You may need to ignore how it feels to you (e.g. you may think that they are controlling or trying to avoid something) and stick to this assumption.

Here’s how you do it:

• If the situation is becoming unproductive or destructive, stop. Don’t make things worse. This includes if you are anxious about your partner’s behaviour.
• Tell your partner you are taking a time out without explaining further.
• Always use the phrase “time out”, and maybe even add the basketball “T” symbol, so there can be no misunderstanding.
• Don’t tell your partner they need a time out (even if it’s true) – it will sound like blame and is likely to rev things up, not calm them down.
• Say clearly the time you want to resume talking.
• Break (go into different rooms) for the shortest time practical to settle yourself – maybe just five minutes if you’ve caught it early.
• But remember you will need at least 30 minutes if you (or your partner) is worked up (e.g. pulse over 100bpm).
• Sometimes that’s not realistic. So your time out is till the next practical time. E.g. If it’s late at night, talk tomorrow after work or when the kids are in bed. Whoever called the time out should set an alarm on their phone so they don’t forget.
• Both of you must commit to using the time out to settle yourself down, not wind up. Do some calming breathing, go for a walk, make a cuppa. Remind yourself that this is someone you love, that they love you, that it’s normal to get upset – nothing is going wrong etc. The aim is to resume the conversation with a positive, constructive attitude.
• If you are the one who called the time out, make sure you come back and restart the conversation at the time you said you would. Both of you need to aim to come back with fresh energy and attitude. Don’t avoid it because it’s scary. This is very important. Getting it wrong once can seriously damage trust.

An important consideration is that if alcohol and drug use are “oiling” the path of escalating fights you both need to agree to take a break from their use to give time out a chance to work. If you can’t use time out effectively or it doesn’t allow you to talk productively, then we would encourage you to go to couple therapy.

• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.