How do you navigate working with an ex-partner? Photo / Getty Images
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A few months ago my ex-boyfriend joined the company I work for and my new partner is really unhappy about the situation. My ex and I are still on good terms and have slotted back into a friendship of sorts since he started. We’re a really social workplace and often have drinks after work but since my ex has started my partner doesn’t want me to attend these anymore and has started acting quite irrationally and jealous. I want to keep going to the social events and hanging out with my ex as he’s a really great person but I also don’t want to hurt my partner. How can I juggle both things? Jing
Dear Jing,
It’s an inevitable consequence of being in a relationship that you will, sooner or later, run into a conflict between ‘what’s OK for me’ (personal boundaries) and ‘what’s OK for us’ (relationship boundaries). It’s essential to accept this as part of the work of building a healthy relationship and not blame or pathologise your partner for making life more difficult for you. If you just want to do things your own way, stay single. If you want the benefits of being in a partnership, then you have to surrender some of your freedom of action by considering the impact of your behaviour on your significant other.
In characterising your partner as “irrational” when he experiences anxiety about your re-connection with your ex, you come across as dismissive of his concerns and unwilling to negotiate in good faith to determine ‘what’s OK for us’. That’s not a good place to begin the conversation.
His concerns do not seem completely unwarranted. It’s statistically more likely for people to have sex again with a previous partner. It’s also well-established that ongoing social contact and the disinhibiting effects of alcohol increase the risk of crossing the line into a level of sexual OR emotional intimacy that violates your relationship agreement. Your partner’s concerns cannot be assumed to be just irrational jealousy when there is some feasible base to his assessment of possible risk.
Partners who are not irrational or jealous may still have concerns about this situation and want to agree on how the possible risks will be mitigated or navigated.
Of course, your boyfriend may also be insecure and, if so, will likely have maximised his concerns out of fear. Perhaps he made exaggerated or even outlandish statements about what might happen. It may also be that how your partner expresses himself is unhelpful, controlling, aggressive or disrespectful to you. That’s not OK either. However, even if he’s raising his concerns poorly, that doesn’t make it wise or fair for you to dismiss them.
If there is a broader issue with unreasonable jealousy regarding you and other men in general, then that is something to ensure he takes responsibility for. This is usually a result of fears about his worth, importance or attractiveness. It can lead to controlling and other harmful behaviour if he keeps projecting it onto you rather than addressing its cause within himself.
This is an opportunity for you both to start from a position of “OK, we disagree about this. It’s a tricky situation. Let’s work together to sort it out and agree on an approach we are both on board with”. This requires each of you to be open to the notion that your first thoughts about the situation may not be your final word—both of you being open to changing your mind and learning.
If you have been dismissive or contemptuous of your boyfriend’s concerns and, especially, his feelings, we suggest you begin by acknowledging and apologising for that. It’s never okay to treat people like that.
Then, inquire about his concerns and explore them with him without judging or taking offence at them. Try to see things from his point of view and let him know that his thoughts and feelings are valid, even if they don’t match yours. An excellent technique to ensure someone feels listened to is to repeat to them what you are hearing before responding to it. This also helps prevent annoying misunderstandings.
It would be best to lay yours out only once you have heard and validated his concerns. Stay focused on what you think and feel rather than refute what he said. Ask him to listen to you and repeat what he’s understood as carefully as you did for him.
It’s vital that you consider if there are any links to your history in prior relationships, both as an adult and, especially, with what happened to you in the formative years of your childhood. For example, if you had a very controlling parent who always told you what to do, you may struggle to accept the loss of autonomy required by an equal partnership. It may unconsciously feel like you’re back to being controlled again. Or suppose your partner lost a parent through death or lost a relationship to infidelity. In that case, they may have unconscious fears of being abandoned that make their response to the situation with your ex disproportionate.
These are just examples of the underlying issues that can make sane conversation impossible. However, if they are recognised and discussed, they can be put aside, clearing the decks for the present situation to be dealt with cleanly.
If you can accept the validity of some of your boyfriend’s feelings, then you can work with him to see if there is a way to handle your relationship with your ex that reassures him sufficiently. For example, agreeing that you set a limit on how much you are going to drink at work drinks and stick to it. Another way would be to be willing to share with your boyfriend in detail what you and your ex talked about at work drinks (if anything) and clarify that you kept to the boundaries the two of you had decided on. These kinds of approaches will require a high degree of self-awareness and honesty. If you minimise and evade, you will only increase your boyfriend’s feelings of unease. Again, these are just examples and may not work for you or your boyfriend. But they indicate the level of work that is likely to be involved to try and resolve this situation satisfactorily for you both.
Places where you disagree and have to deal with your differences are the absolute bedrock of the business of doing intimate relationship. The situation you find yourself in is a prime example of an opportunity for you and your boyfriend to either build or destroy trust in each other. We encourage you to take the time and effort to build a stronger relationship with yourself and each other.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
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