What do you do if your ex-partner and friend develop feelings for each other? Photo / 123RF
Do you have any sex or relationship issues you’d like help with? Send your questions to our experts at questions@nzherald.co.nz
Hi,
A good friend of mine has recently admitted to having feelings for my ex and said he thinks something is developing between them. He wanted to check I was okay with it before it went any further. My ex and I have been separated for around two years and remain good friends so it shouldn’t really be an issue, but for some reason it makes me feel jealous that she sees something in him she didn’t see him me and makes me worry I’ll lose both of them as friends. Is it best to put my feelings to one side or tell them honestly how I feel and run the risk of either jeopardising their relationship or losing them as friends? Cheers, Ben
Dear Ben,
This is a situation that most people would find challenging – both the fear that you might have two friends talking about you and making comparisons and also the thought of two friends perhaps happily coupled up while you remain single.
You have a third option besides “putting your feelings to one side or telling them… how I feel”. Rather than putting your feelings aside – you can explore them and see what you learn about yourself. This is not what we are taught to do, especially if we are socialised as males in mainstream culture. But a “growth and learning” mindset is the recipe for greater success in life generally and relationships especially.
The trouble is that exploring uncomfortable feelings like jealousy is challenging and complex work. Fortunately, you have good instincts and have intuited that you stand to lose a lot if you let your unexamined feelings rule your life (by blurting them out to your friends).
Intuitively, you seem to know it is wise to manage your insecurities so that they don’t get in the way of you being able to act in service of being who you want to be. Reinforce this in how you talk to yourself. For example, “I want to act as a secure person who can take pleasure in the potential happiness of two dear friends.”
Jealousy is an emotion that exists to try to protect us from losing people (and things) we care about. However, when there is no actual threat to something precious to us (in this case, because the object of your jealousy is no longer your partner), then jealousy is a manifestation of our insecurities about ourselves.
Again, you have some awareness of this when you recognise your fear that “she sees something in him, she didn’t see in me”. That’s the place to start thinking more deeply about what is happening with you.
Regarding how to respond to your friends, you could replace “I am not enough for her” with more helpful thinking. For example, “My friend may have qualities that my ex seeks, qualities that I don’t have. It is equally true that I have some qualities my friend doesn’t have? No one has every desirable quality. If my friend is a better fit for her, that does not diminish me as less. There will be someone for whom my qualities are a better fit.”
Believing this may be challenging. All of us have what is colloquially known as “emotional baggage”. The term we most commonly use is “insecurities”, but other people use words like “shame”, “negative core beliefs”, or “old stories”. These are global beliefs or fears about ourselves which derive from experiences in our formative years, not necessarily as a result of trauma and tragedy (though they certainly can, and do, shape you) but simply because life isn’t perfect and kids’ brains are weird.
Typical examples are growing up with a well-intentioned parent keen for you to “succeed” in life, so they provide much praise when you do well in academics, sports, etc. This is not bad parenting, but processed through a child’s mind, it can easily end up with you fearing that who you are isn’t good enough. So you strive and drive yourself to perform well, to “succeed” or be “perfect” to feel worthy of love and attention.
So take your fears about what it might mean that your ex prefers your mate over you and sit with them. Don’t think about them. Think about you. Why is it so easy for you to believe she finds you lacking or that he’s “better” than you? You may discover obvious answers for your low self-worth in a parent who was critical or punitive, emotionally distant or physically unavailable. It might be a sibling, friend, coach, or teacher who was shaming.
However, the cause of your insecurity may not be obvious; it might be subtle. A prevalent one that’s hard to see is if your upbringing taught you to contain or repress emotions. In many cases, kids learn this lesson before they learn to talk. The trouble is that all kids have strong emotional impulses, so they end up feeling like they are bad or wrong simply for being who they are.
There are other examples of ways your upbringing can shape you in ways that are difficult to remember. For example, parents who are attentive but not well-attuned to what a child actually needs, or those who over-function for a child and inadvertently create a sense of inadequacy. If you come from a background like this, you will not remember the events that made those feelings. All you may remember is your parents’ love, care and support. You know you had a great childhood.
Yet your insecurities are there and need attention if they aren’t to damage your relationships with your friends. Try to work out their nature, where they might have come from and, most importantly, how to care for the part of you that is anxious or, worse, believes you’re unworthy.
Once you have the rough shape of what caused the insecurity, talk to yourself like an ideal friend. “You’ve always feared you weren’t good enough because your dad only opened his mouth to criticise. Don’t let his limitations and fears have such an influence over you. You’re not that kid seeking his approval now. You’re doing well. You’re enough. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.”
Working out what you need to hear may take some trial and error. Journalling can be a helpful way to have this conversation with yourself. If you can’t work out what you need to say and how to treat yourself on your own, that’s a great reason to seek individual therapy.
We expect that if you get a good handle on your insecurities, you will be able to handle your friends’ relationship with good grace because it will no longer trigger your fears about yourself. It sounds like you have a couple of good friends there (respect to your mate for talking to you before acting!), and being self-aware and caring for your very normal insecurities is the best way to look after all three of you.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
The century-old British carmaker's new logo and latest ads have raised eyebrows.