'My partner hasn't divorced his ex after 14 years and still refers to her as his wife'. Photo / Getty Images
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My partner and I have been together for nearly four years. Prior to that he was in a 10-year relationship with a woman he considered “the love of his life” and the only woman he has ever truly loved. That relationship is not a problem as they have no contact and, at nearly 65, I’m not expecting the greatest love story of all time.
The problem for me is a different one of his exes. The woman he was married to for 25 years plays a much bigger role in his life (and by default, mine) than I am comfortable with. She visits from overseas twice a year for a couple of weeks and during that time he is at her beck and call. I don’t particularly like the woman, but I have been prepared to put in an appearance occasionally, just not every time that she wants, as seems to be the expectation. He still refers to her as his “wife” (he considers that she IS still his wife as they are not divorced after 14-plus years) and puts her wishes before mine. His explanation is that he made a conscious decision to get on with her for the sake of his (now adult) children. But to me, there is a difference between “getting on” and staying emotionally attached.
Am I being unreasonable to expect that our relationship should come first, or should I accept that I will never be his top priority and move on? - Maxine
Hello Maxine,
Your question seems to imply that the situation is fixed and only limited solutions exist. He either accepts you’re right and does things the way you want, or you accept his way of doing things, or you end the relationship and move on. We encourage you to recognise that there is a way forward that doesn’t assume that the ideas already on the table are the only possible solutions. It can be very liberating to enter into a discussion open to the possibility that solutions may emerge that neither of you has yet considered.
So, yes, it’s reasonable to expect you to come first a lot of the time if you are in a committed partnership. But not ALL the time. And the exceptions need to be explored, understood and negotiated. It sounds like there hasn’t been much exploration or discussion of what’s okay and what’s not okay for each of you. This type of discussion is what we therapist types call “setting boundaries”. It’s a necessary part of building a relationship and typically happens over a period of years.
However, you don’t come across as clear about your boundaries. You say that you are okay not being the love of his life but on the other hand, you want to be his top priority and to come first. There sounds like there might be a bit of conflict there.
Historically, what has your pattern been about valuing yourself in an intimate relationship? You justify not looking to be truly loved in this relationship by referring to your age. But not looking for a “great love story” could stem from insecurity about your worth rather than your age. Do you have a good track record of being clear with partners about what you want and why, persisting with good grace in conflicts, and being assertive without relying on anger or self-righteousness? If these are not familiar ways of operating, it is never too late to discover the satisfaction and intimacy they can achieve.
If you don’t have a history of valuing and asserting yourself cleanly, one possibility is that, in not feeling important or worthy enough to insist on being cherished, you have found an issue you believe you are “right” to make a stand over.
This issue of boundaries with his ex-wife may be an opportunity to step back and consider if you are settling for less than is good for you in this relationship. Look for other areas where you do not perhaps hold a healthy expectation of your partner’s behaviour toward you, where you are “settling”. How caring, supportive and cherishing of you is he in general?
If the answer is “not very,” then there may be more important things to discuss outside of how he operates when his co-parent is in the country. If he is generally pretty self-centred and you don’t feel well looked after, that’s worth discussing. How you report him talking about his last partner as “the only woman he’s ever loved” sounds rather callous and uncaring of you. If he’s only willing to have a relationship on his terms and isn’t open to negotiation and change, you may want to reconsider whether the relationship is worth pursuing.
On the other hand, if you think you are receiving reasonable caring and consideration in other areas of this relationship and this is the only area where you don’t feel considered, we suggest that you find out more about the thoughts, feelings, memories and beliefs that are in play for your partner around his ex. Why does this relationship pull him so far out of his usual pattern with you? She wasn’t the love of his life, so why is he so willing to defer to her? He has indicated that it’s about his relationship with their shared children. You sound sceptical. Find out more – what is he afraid might happen if he isn’t at his ex’s beck and call? Be prepared for his answers not to make sense to you. But don’t dismiss them; inquire more deeply and see if you can develop some understanding or even empathy for how it seems to him.
Once you believe you have a grasp on what motivates him and, ideally, he feels heard and understood by you, you have a much more solid basis to try to negotiate how you want things to be concerning his ex. But don’t just start making demands. Explore and explain your thoughts and feelings deeply with your partner. Tell him what it feels like that he still refers to her as his wife, even though you are his partner. Discuss what it means that, for four weeks of the year, you seem to be placed a distant second (or maybe third if you include his children) in his attention and care.
Only when you have explored and discussed the concerns, meanings and feelings for each of you, it is wise to start exploring where you can place boundaries that will work for both of you. Stay focused on what things mean and how they feel to you rather than getting hung up on what you think he should and shouldn’t do. For example, you might want to feel “important” or “considered” – be open to how your partner might give you that experience. A good principle when exploring boundaries is to talk more about what you DO want than what you don’t. Talk about positive future outcomes more than past frustrations.
Even in the best of relationships, it’s healthy and inevitable that you want to raise a boundary issue with your partner. Two different people will always see things differently and always differ in their expectations of what’s “normal”. These kinds of discussions are never easy or comfortable. But they are necessary and, done with care and taking your time, can lead to a deepening of intimacy and understanding that ultimately makes the relationship stronger and safer for both of you.
Nic Beets’ new book Make Love Work - A Practical Guide to Relationship Success (Allen & Unwin) is out now.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
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