As we say goodbye to 2022 and welcome in 2023, it’s a good time to catch up on the very best of the Herald columnists we enjoyed reading over the last 12 months. From politics to sport, from business to entertainment and lifestyle, these are the voices and views our
Ask the experts: I caught my husband watching porn but still he won’t stop - now I can’t trust him
NZ Herald
9 mins to read
You are likely to learn important things about yourself and each other if you talk calmly and openly about your view of pornography. Photo / 123RF
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I am left feeling that I can’t trust him and wonder what else he is doing. Any advice for how we can move forward on this would be appreciated. - Jane
Dear Jane,
How sad and painful that you and your husband have ended up at this impasse. We think you are very wise to be concerned about the lack of communication and trust. We are glad you raised this topical issue, as it causes distress in many couples.
The research suggests that most men watch pornography (as do a significant minority of women). Among the older heterosexual couples we see, the typical dynamic is men avoiding conflict by hiding their pornography use and women automatically viewing any pornography use as unremittingly bad and either an infidelity or sign of sex addiction. Neither of these approaches is wise nor builds intimacy. It is time that pornography use by men in heterosexual relationships became more acknowledged and openly discussed respectfully.
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Our married daughter is having an affair - do we get involved? - May 23
We have discovered our daughter has been having an affair which is now breaking up her 15-year marriage. There are three young children involved and we are very fond of her husband. This has left us feeling torn and angry. Should we get involved to try and help them sort it out? - Wendy
We are delighted you have asked this question. In our practice, we see many couples dealing with the impact of an affair on their marriage. We hear from them that the reactions of family and friends frequently adds to the confusion and distress they are already going through. So we think it is very wise you approach this delicate and critical situation with care.
The best course of action for you depends on the nature of your connection with your daughter and spouse. If you don’t have a relationship of trust, respect and open communication, your involvement at this point is unlikely to be welcome other than to provide tonnes of practical support and no judgements. Ask them what they need. It may be that the best support you can hope to provide would be to urge them to seek professional guidance from a couples counsellor ... along with an offer to babysit or financially assist with the fees.
If you have a good connection with your daughter and son-in-law, then you may be able to provide some more active assistance and emotional support.
My wife cheated on me – 50 years later she still won’t admit who it was - August 29
Four years into our marriage, more than 50 years ago, my wife went to a dinner with some friends and I looked after our two boys ...
During the next day I asked her about the dinner but she was reluctant to talk about it. Finally, after several days, she admitted she had left early with someone and had several hours of love-making, including having unprotected sex twice. I was devastated and despite asking more questions she would never tell me who it was or where they went.
The years went by but it was always with me until recently I asked her again and she just said I should get over it and it would hurt me more if I knew. For me this made it worse ... Can you help me? - James
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Dear James,
It is much debated by professionals and the public whether couples should talk much about the details of sexual infidelity or if it is best left well alone. Our experience is that, because of the amount of shame and distress involved, many couples just paper over the incident. You and your wife sound like you fit that pattern of limping along with periodic revisiting of the festering issues from the infidelity that did not get fully addressed.
While obsessive questioning and focusing on every small detail is unhelpful, going once over too lightly is equally problematic when trying to process infidelity productively. It is easy for the focus on processing this kind of situation to be all on the wronged partner “getting over” the hurt and trusting again. That’s what the person who broke trust keenly wants and is clearly still your partner’s hope, even after 50 years of that strategy not working.
Instead, the focus needs to be on the unfaithful person. There are usually significant forces at play when someone normally trustworthy breaks that trust.
I had an erotic dream about my best friend – now I can’t look her in the eye - November 7
I’ve always admired my female best friend’s confidence, style and zest for life. Then out of the blue I recently had an intense dream that I was making love to her. I have a boyfriend and I know I’m not gay - but the dream has really thrown me for a loop. I’m too embarrassed to talk to my boyfriend about it - and now I can’t even look my friend in the eye. Don’t dreams come from something in your subconscious? - Michelle
Hi Michelle,
To answer your last question first, there is no scientific consensus about dreams and what they mean. This lack of agreement among the experts suggests that there are many reasons why we dream, and most of them have nothing to do with Freud’s notion of “subconscious desires”. It seems you are fearful this dream says something about your sexual orientation or preferences. This is a far-from-obvious conclusion. In order to not feel awkward around your friend, it seems vital that you stop imposing a literal meaning on your dream.
We know that people are selective about what memories we pay attention to, and often it is the ones that disturb or worry us that we recall and look to unravel, searching for the feared hidden message. Dream analysis is a very complex process, even if you believe that some dreams have significance. The obvious meaning taken from a dream is often far from the relevant or accurate one.
How do I stop my lazy, rude stepdaughter tearing us apart? - March 28
I have been with Peter for three years now. He is 47 and I am 46. He was married before and has two kids, Suzie 15 and Ben 12 who spend every second weekend at our house. Peter and I get on really well and are very compatible but Suzie has Peter wound around her little finger. She is messy and doesn’t do what I ask her to do and she is rude to me, more so when Peter is not around ... This is the only thing Peter and I are fighting about but it is starting to become a really big issue between us. He says this is my problem that she is just being a normal teenager and that it is up to me to handle these situations better. What can I do to stop this ripping us apart? - Brigitte
Dear Brigitte,
The good news is that you are not alone. The problems you and Peter face in your blended family are absolutely typical. There is a lot of information available about dealing with situations like yours, and we encourage you to use it. Books, podcasts, online courses, including some sourced from Aotearoa. In your case, as well as upskilling about blended families, we would encourage some research about the developmental stage and tasks of adolescence, along with father/daughter relationships. Ideally, do this reading/watching together, discussing as you go, to ensure you end up on the same page with the lessons you are drawing from your research.
All that information exists because blending families is a lot more complicated than most people expect. Most people don’t access all that knowledge before joining their lives together. They assume they will build another version of the nuclear family, perhaps even a happier one. As a result, most people re-partnering are unprepared for the challenges they face if children are involved.
