What do you do when you and your partner have different ideas about moving in together? Photo / Getty Images
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My boyfriend and I have been together for close to a year and had begun to talk about moving in together. I’m trying to get back on my feet financially so it seemed like a good move for various reasons. However, I unexpectedly received an offer to house and pet sit for a family friend while they’re overseas for a year. It would be free accommodation, in a beautiful apartment, but it’s on the condition it’s only me. I don’t see the issue in delaying us moving in together for a year but my boyfriend feels betrayed and is questioning how committed I am to the relationship. How can we compromise on this? – Gabby
Dear Gabby,
It is a necessary and inevitable part of the development of a long-term relationship that things stop being easy, and you have to learn how to deal with your differences. Conflicts are opportunities to get to know and understand each other better - a chance to deepen intimacy and knowledge about yourself and your partner.
So we advise you don’t rush to resolve this and make the uncomfortable feeling go away, but use this chance to learn - you are still early on in your relationship, and there is much you don’t know and understand about each other. It’s too soon in your discussions to know what the wisest resolution will be.
Begin by reflecting on yourself. Think about how you presented the issue to your partner. Did you make it clear that it was a topic for discussion and that you were seeking his thoughts and feelings? Or did you present it as a fait accompli? If he got the message that you had made the decision unilaterally, you might want to reflect on why you did it that way. That’s typically a defensive stance. Do you struggle to assert yourself? Do you come from a combative family or professional background? Did you already fear his response?
Likewise, it may be interesting to reflect on how lightly you held delaying moving in and how caringly or sensitively you raised this change of plans with your partner. In your question, you come across as somewhat clinical. Like you’re trying to prove that you’re right, and he’s being unreasonable to have any kind of issue with your suggestion. There’s nothing about wanting to live with your partner. Or your feelings about delaying that.
If that’s how you have talked to him, it may help make sense of his hurt feelings. Just because it is not a big thing for you doesn’t mean it may not feel like a big thing for him. Also, it might upset him to hear that waiting another year is not a big thing for you. The impression is that you have not considered that he was perhaps looking forward to sharing his life with you more and that your moving in may have meant a lot to him (this is a good thing in a partner, by the way). Again, you may want to reflect on why you have come across with so little empathy for your partner’s feelings and placed little emphasis on deepening your commitment through moving in together. Do you have anxiety about the speed the relationship has moved at? Or do you generally avoid overt expression of affection, love or commitment?
You say you don’t see the issue that your boyfriend has. You can’t resolve this difference satisfactorily until you understand each other. So it’s vital to stop and take the time to fully understand the issue from your boyfriend’s point of view. You could perhaps apologise for jumping in with a solution before you heard all his thoughts and feelings (assuming you did this) and say you are willing to backtrack and take the time to understand what’s going on for him. Use active listening – where you reflect on everything he says before responding.
Similarly, make sure he fully understands what your wanting to delay moving in for a year is all about for you. Assuming this is the case, stress your desire to pursue and deepen the relationship, but hold on to your thoughts and judgments about what is prudent for you financially and practically. If, after listening to what’s going on for your partner, you and he decide that taking up the house-sit is your best course, then you could caringly explore with him what will make that arrangement work the best for him.
Looking at the potential learning on the other side, it is interesting that your partner is taking you being okay about delaying moving in together as a “betrayal” of him. Changing your mind about something because your situation has changed is far from betrayal. Clearly, he is hurt (and he may have reasons, as we have indicated above) – but being judgmental of you in response to his pain is a worrying sign. Invite him to talk about his feelings rather than your behaviour. See if you can get him to step out of “you’re wrong, I’m right” thinking and into “we are a team learning to deal with differences”.
The first significant difference is a crucial point in the development of a long-term relationship. Can each of you recognise how you are protecting yourself (e.g. you going all “rational” and him going blaming) and own them as unhelpful? If you want to deepen your intimacy, you could explore and discuss with each other when and how you learned to protect yourself that way growing up. (e.g. “In my family, you immediately lost an argument if you showed emotion” or “In my peer group at high school, you were pilloried if you couldn’t demonstrate a rational argument for any position.”)
If either of you cannot reflect on a deeper level on how you have handled and reacted to this and work the issue through together rather than make a simplistic compromise, then these are skills for you to work on.
This issue offers you both a chance to act more securely. For your partner not to run with his likely insecure interpretation that you delaying living together is a betrayal or a sign you are not committed, for you to practise more accurately gauging the potential impact on your partner of what you are suggesting and how you presented it.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
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