"My teenage son's girlfriend has gone off the pill, what can I do?" Photo / Getty Images
Hi Nic and Verity,
I discovered that my teenage son has been having sex with his 16-year-old girlfriend and I learned recently that she has gone off the pill because it doesn't agree with her. I'm worried she'll accidentally get pregnant. Should I talk to her mother to see if
she is open to some other form of contraception such as an IUD? - Helen
Dear Helen,
It can be a very tough transition for parents moving from parenting children to parenting teens. However, we are concerned by the high level of anxiety that seems to pervade the approach of many parents in Aotearoa to their teens, especially around sex. We think many upsets and estrangements with adolescent children are the result of parents acting out of anxiety rather than from caring and trust. We know all about it because we often made this error ourselves when our kids were teens.
Responding to our kids out of anxiety invites us to be intrusive and controlling. In our well-intentioned attempts to protect our kids from harm, we rob them of the chance to learn; we undermine their trust in themselves and, if we go too far, we damage their trust in us, making it less likely they will turn to us for support and guidance. In parenting teenagers, we believe the priority is to keep the lines of communication open.
You have a golden opportunity to engage with your son about the realities of contraception and about having mature, intimate discussions with sexual partners. He will likely face situations like this many times in his life, so developing the skills now (or reassuring you that he already has them) is what we would encourage you to facilitate.
So we strongly encourage you to resist operating from protection and fear and focus on this as a vital learning phase for teens about relationships and sexuality. Our role as parents is to gently guide and equip them for these two crucial areas of life. In northern European/Scandinavian cultures, where this approach is more the norm, the rates of unwanted teen pregnancy are much lower than here in NZ, where statistics in this area are shocking.
Tread carefully. One of the important things this situation offers is the opportunity to model respect for boundaries. So be wary of overstepping by launching into parental action mode and being somewhat invasive regarding his personal sexual relationship. Instead, demonstrate caring for another person's privacy and autonomy in how you talk to him.
We all deserve privacy and respect for our boundaries, and this is especially true for your son with his precious burgeoning sexuality and early forays into intimacy. We would recommend your first step is to talk with your son, not his girlfriend's mother. If you have a co-parent, pick whichever parent is the best fit for this task. It can be more normalising if the same-sex parent is willing to engage around issues of sexuality and intimacy (and, with boys, it's great modelling that talking vulnerably is not just 'women's business').
How easy it is to have these kinds of conversations with your son will depend on how open you have been able to keep the channels of communication to date. We do think it is vital that you try. In particular, talk to your son in a way that communicates your faith in him and his ability to learn to handle this situation well. Regardless of how they behave, teenagers are always hungry for parents to show belief in them.
We may be reading too much into one word but hearing that you "discovered" your son has been having sex raised a concern that he was keeping this secret. If it is just for typical privacy reasons, that is okay. But if your son fears your judgment or reactions, it's unlikely he will be comfortable with you calling his girlfriend's mother to discuss such personal matters. He will be even more upset if he and his girlfriend are unaware that the conversation is going on and so have not been able to object or consent.
The aim would be to support him to learn to be able to talk things through with his girlfriend and work together to ensure both of them are safe, happy and fully consenting on all issues. You may, of course, discover that he is already "onto" all this and that he and his girlfriend have "got it". More likely, these are skills he needs help establishing and mastering. The complex issues involved will likely require multiple talks to explore your son's skills in this area and any dilemmas or concerns he may have.
If your son is worried about accidental conception and he (and his girlfriend) are happy with your idea to talk to his girlfriend's mother, then, by all means, fire ahead. However, it would then be wise to double back and assist him in developing the skills to handle this type of concern himself. Much about his future ability to have great intimate relationships will depend on his ability to talk and collaborate with his partners. Encourage him to develop that skill now.
We hope that any talk with your son emphasises he can take care of the conception risk by using a condom no matter what his partner is doing. Given the high and rising rate of STIs in Aotearoa, this is always the wise option on top of whatever conception his partner wants to use. Emphasising condom use often leads to an interesting talk about feeling awkward using them, reducing pleasure etc. There is another opportunity here for you to discuss how alcohol and drugs can increase the chance of contraception failure and other problems like sexual dysfunction, and confusion over consent.
If this all seems a bit far-fetched because your son is quite distant from you, then you could suggest that he and his girlfriend book an appointment at a family planning clinic to discuss their contraception use. The staff at these clinics are skilled and matter of fact, and will talk to them as responsible young adults capable of making good decisions for their health and wellbeing. Even better, this service is free for NZ residents under 22.
Terrifying though it is for parents, teens and young adults have to learn through their own experiences. If we want them to benefit from our wisdom and knowledge, we must be trustworthy and approachable. In our view, that only happens when we as parents manage our own anxieties and show respect for our kids' boundaries, and faith in their abilities.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
Telegraph: Desire for physical intimacy while grieving is common but little discussed.