Ask the experts: DIY divides marriage - 'I want a husband, not a fortune'

What do you do when your husband spends all his time on house renovations? Photo / 123RF

Dear Verity & Nic
My husband and I have been together since our early 20s.  We bought our home together while we were both still working. We both wanted me to stay at home to look after our kids and we now have two energetic boys of 4 & 6. Geoff is very handy and over a year ago we bought a second property as a "do up". Now I never see him, he works on it every weekend and he's always exhausted. The renno was supposed to take a year, but there seems to be no end in sight (Covid and shortages haven't helped). I'm sick of being a solo mum and want to sell the property as is. He thinks I'm crazy and that we'd be giving away our financial future. I'm wondering if we have a future together. I want a husband, not a fortune. Am I being unreasonable? - Laveni

Hello Laveni,

It may be that neither of you is being unreasonable, but it appears you have different priorities. While it may seem like you are arguing over "How much money do we need?" or "How much time together is enough?" your primary issue is "How do we resolve our differences"?

It's common for couples to have one person who is more focused on the long-term (making sure there is enough money for the family later, for retirement) and one who is more focused on the present (are we living the way we want to this month, this year?). Harnessed right, this is the kind of difference that makes for a great team. If you are putting together a team for a big project at work, you need both "Detail" and "Big Picture" people, and in a sports team, you want solid Attackers and Defenders. Both things are essential; both of you are "right". What you need now is a mechanism that lets you resolve those competing points of view in a way both of you buy into the final decision.

It sounds like Geoff initially had your support for taking on the renovation project, but things have not gone as expected. We would imagine that he responds to your desire to re-evaluate the project as you not supporting him, maybe even going back on your word. Yet it is appropriate to reconsider when circumstances change. So, in that sense, we would strongly endorse you encouraging Geoff to engage with you around this issue.

Go gently with your husband. Making disparaging or snarky comments about wanting a "husband and not a fortune" may get his back up as he may believe he is trying to be a responsible provider and good husband by attending to financial concerns. As well as his desire to achieve his financial goals, Geoff may feel like he made a mistake and is failing. That can be an excruciating place for many people, especially men, whose sense of worth is invested in their practical competence, getting it right and "winning".

It would be wise to emphasise your appreciation of his good intentions and acknowledge that the family's long-term financial future IS an important issue before drawing his attention to your concerns. He may find it hard to hear or understand what it is about your present situation that is so difficult for you. Talk vulnerably about your experience rather than in a blaming or accusatory way. Stress how important he is to you and the children and that you are doing the maths on this investment property differently from him. It would seem from your perspective, he underestimates the upfront emotional costs and overestimates the long-term benefits of the financial gains.

On the other hand, if he does not engage seriously with your concerns and dismisses them, you may need to be firm and insist that he take them seriously. You're aiming to get him to sit with you and reflect about whether getting further ahead right now will be at the precious price of losing your strong relationship. Ideally, this will lead to an in-depth exploration of fundamental values and how to get the balance right.

At this point, we have to declare a prejudice. Over the past 35 years, we have observed the impact of the rise of consumerism and neoliberal capitalism on our clients' lives. It has left us with serious concerns about how many couples seem to be getting the mix wrong and erring too far in the directions of making money at the expense of prioritising a strong connection with each other. Simply put, we have spent way too much of our working lives trying to undo the damage to couples and families done by the hunger for material success.

We encourage couples to see their relationship as the ballast to the whole ship, the lynchpin upon which family life rests. If their relationship goes under, the entire vessel is put at risk. Of course, food and shelter are primary needs, and when poverty is a factor, these essentials demand priority. There are far too many people in Aotearoa who have to neglect their relationship to attend to those basics. But you are not in that situation, your conflict is about how "well" you live and what constitutes "success".

This is where the common sense and pacing yourself part comes in. Sometimes couples can agree for a limited amount of time to prioritise putting their time and energy into a renovation, building a business, gaining a work promotion or assisting a child with a special issue. The important thing is that the couple agrees that this is time-limited so that ongoing neglect of their relationship does not occur. No relationship can sustain an extended period of neglect. Yet, many couples act as if they can neglect their relationship for years without consequence. It is our painful experience that many couples leave it too long, risk too much and pay the ultimate cost of their relationship crumbling. This is also a bad financial strategy as separation and splitting your assets sets you both back materially.

So our advice for couples is not to overextend and take on too much all at once and end up neglecting the relationship and forgetting to bond with and enjoy their young children. It is a precious time and does not come around again. If you talk to older parents, they will often say they do not regret their time with their young children. It is common for older men to comment that they wish they had been less money-focused and more focused on developing a deep connection with their children.

Psychologists Verity Thom and Nic Beets are specialist relationship and sex therapists. Photo / Dean Purcell

Sit and talk with your husband and see if you can get him to engage with your significant concerns. Being emotive will not add validity to the issues you raise, but steadiness and solidly backing them as important will. Don't decide the solution; leave room for you and your husband to work it out in this complex situation where the renovations are mid-project.

Most importantly we hope you can use your discussions to reach an agreement that you will unite to ensure that you never neglect your personal connection for too long. This is a value that those with strong relationships prioritise highly.

• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.