How to you navigate ageing and sexual chemistry in a marriage? Photo / Getty Images
Dear Rachel,
My wife and I have been together for more than 50 years. She is an amazing person; kind, passionate, caring and fun to be with. Our relationship has moved on from what you call the swinging from the chandeliers stage and has settled into occasional sexual encounters which we still enjoy greatly.
This may sound like a perfect situation for people well into their 70s but there is a problem. She has developed very deep, unattractive facial wrinkles. I have a problem with this and whenever she comes to me with a certain twinkle in her eyes, I just close my eyes and think of England. This may make me seem uncaring and superficial, but I know that she is unhappy with the situation as she spends a fortune on lotions and serums, none of which actually do anything.
I am interested to know what, if anything, can be done to reduce the severity of these wrinkles. I am sure we could afford it. I am not harping back to her teenage years but a reduction of the problem would help. We are normally able to discuss anything but I do not know how to broach this subject. Any advice would be appreciated. – Anon
Dear Anon,
Most of us will have two reactions to this – emotional, and then practical. I think many readers will join me in thinking how lucky you are. Your wife is amazing (your word) and you know it. You appreciate her va va and her voom, she is a terrific life partner, and you appreciate her exceptional qualities and her, er, lust for life.
There is a slight contradiction in your letter in that you say you both enjoy greatly your occasional trysts but also that when she gives you what I call “The Look” you shrivel and quail a bit. You know what’s coming and you have to fly the flag with your eyes closed as the “very deep, very unattractive facial wrinkles” would otherwise put you off your stroke. Before I move on to solutions to this problem, a word. Do you have any idea why most women close their eyes during sex? I’ll tell you. For women, what’s often nicer than what you are looking at is what you’re feeling, which maybe is the juncture to insert Maureen Lipman’s favourite dirty joke, which goes, “Question. What’s the worst thing about oral sex? Answer. The view!”
Research does suggest that men are more visually stimulated by women’s bodies and faces than women are by the spectacle and prospect of the naked male. Having said that, women are just as susceptible to some stunning scenery as men are, as proved by Jason Isaacs’ memorable full frontal in episode four of the latest series of The White Lotus.
Now where were we… I seem to have lost my train of thought…oh yes. It does appear that the “problem” here is that your wife still has the hots for you, but you find her ageing visage a turn-off. It doesn’t seem to matter that you have your eyes closed (the female’s tried and trusted method), the very fact that she has wrinkles at all is a turn-off, and that is the problem here. Whatever she does will not reverse anno domini. Comment is free, but facts are sacred etc and you can’t turn back the clock and she will always be a 70-something woman who still fancies you. Many will be reading this and wishing they had your problems!
Before I turn this over to the facialists, I should say that my husband (72) has read your letter and his two somewhat crude suggestions were that if you want to be a cheap date you should “approach from behind” but if you felt like pushing the boat out he says you should “pay for a facelift”.
Right, time for an actual expert to offer some advice. The peerless Dr Ivona Igerc of the cosmetic clinic 5 Harley St says that it’s the work of minutes to fill in wrinkles and folds. “Dermal fillers are injected directly into the wrinkles or folds, such as nasolabial folds (the lines from the nose to the corners of the mouth) or marionette lines (lines running down from the mouth to the chin). The filler fills these areas, creating a smoother, firmer look,” she says. Then there’s our old friend Botox. “Botox is one of the most popular treatments for dynamic wrinkles in the upper face,” Igerc says. “These are the wrinkles that develop due to repetitive facial expressions, such as frown lines, crow’s feet, and forehead lines. Botox [botulinum toxin] works by temporarily blocking nerve signals to the muscles, reducing muscle movement and preventing the formation of these lines and wrinkles.”
I think that before your wife heads to Harley St, you have to ask yourself whether it’s the wrinkles that are giving you the ick or something else. My instinct is that you are fixating on them and even if she expensively airbrushed them away you would still be thinking of England. Well, worse things have happened at sea.
Dear Rachel,
I separated from my husband eight years ago and was a sex-free zone until I met up with (actually re-met) a wonderful man of my own age (late 60s) about a year and a half ago. We have the time of our lives both in and out of bed. Penetrative sex does not feature, however, as he is rather large, I am rather small (having had Caesarians) and, presumably, I am suffering from a certain amount of vaginal atrophy. Neither of us feel that penetrative sex is the be-all and end-all but would like to give it a go if possible. My lover is certainly virile enough so no issues on that score.
I have tried localised HRT briefly but it didn’t seem to make much difference and my GP mentioned there is a cancer risk (which was at odds with advice I had previously received) and so I gave up. I would like to know if there is indeed anything I can do to make things easier. – Anon
Dear Anon,
The first thing to say is I’m not a doctor, of course, but it does strike me that you might benefit from topical oestrogen – I’m on Sandrena gel as are most of my friends and it seems to work wonders. As long as you get regular checks (mammograms, smears and so on) I see absolutely no harm in giving it a go and you might find it eases the situation, if you know what I mean.
Given the vagina is also the birth canal for what might be a nine-pound baby, and as you don’t have a firm diagnosis of either atrophy nor vaginismus, it should be able to accommodate most comers – but not invariably. Your letter does remind me, I admit, of a certain polo player (known as the Persian prince) I dallied with in my 20s to whom the fairy had been over-generous. Without wanting to be too graphic there was absolutely no way I could, as the writer Lynn Barber once memorably put it, cram him in. These things are horses for courses and sometimes you have to accept you’re beat.
New York Times: A pillow over the ear may not be enough. Here’s what might help.