A reader asks which details of her marriage - if any - she is obligated to share with her visiting mother-in-law.
Q: My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have a 7-year-old daughter. We no longer share a bedroom or have sex, but we continue living together peacefully to raise our child. My mother-in-law discovered our separate bedrooms while I was out of town: She was helping to care for our daughter and asking lots of questions, so my daughter told her. Since then, she asked a close friend about our situation — which bothered me. But she’s never said anything to me. Now, she and my father-in-law are planning a visit and she’s asking many questions about their sleeping arrangements. She even offered to sleep on an air mattress. I told her she was welcome to take our daughter’s room, as always, and our daughter would move to the guest room (just as she did before my husband started sleeping there). Am I obliged to discuss this with her? - Daughter-in-law
A: You have no duty to discuss your sleeping arrangements or sex life with anyone. I understand it was upsetting to learn that your mother-in-law had grilled your daughter and friend about you. (The mystery here is why she didn’t simply ask her son about her suspicions.) Still, she took care of your daughter. That was nice of her. And her questions about her coming visit may reflect sensitivity to your situation: Is it OK for your husband to move back in with you if your daughter takes the room that he now uses?
I would discuss this with your husband and propose telling your mother-in-law that you sleep in separate bedrooms — and not a word more. It clears the air about something she sort of knows already, and it’s not uncommon: About 20 per cent of married couples sleep in separate rooms. She may be worried. So, reassure her that everything is under control.
Now, you know her better than I do. If you think that raising the subject with her will lead to prying questions, just tell her you sleep better in separate rooms — which may be true for a host of reasons. Be direct, but set limits about your privacy.