Ask an expert: How do I let go of the fear my family won’t approve of my partner?

"How can I tell my sisters this is a person I want to marry without feeling guilty?" Photo / Getty Images

She feels like she’s living a “double life” hiding her partner from her sisters, but she’s scared they won’t approve.

Dear Sahaj,

My late parents immigrated to the US in the ‘60s with my three older sisters. My fourth sister and I were born here in the US, and I’m the youngest of five daughters. My parents immigrated here to give my sisters a better life.

I grew up always being told how much my parents sacrificed themselves for us. However, I always had the determination to marry the love of my life, and I never wanted to be told whom I should love. Well, I took that to the extreme and always picked unavailable men because I was afraid to love due to the fear of my family not accepting my choice. I was told in the past I was disrespecting my father’s memory since my partner at the time was not Albanian.

In your book, you discuss guilt and shame and the need to conform to immigrant parents’ expectations or else risk not being accepted or loved. This resonated with me. Now that my parents have died, not only am I dealing with my grief, but I’m also learning how to be true to myself. I am in my 40s and I have found the love of my life, but I feel like I’m living this double life because I don’t know how to tell my sisters about my happiness. It sucks to feel this way, but I’m trying to put myself first and realise I’m also important. How can I tell my sisters this is a person I want to marry without feeling guilty? – Forever Guilty

Forever Guilty,

In my work, I often observe chronic guilt as a consequence of an experience called bicultural straddling, or adapting to different cultural systems on a daily basis. You didn’t feel you could exercise your American, Western or individualistic needs because it was directly tied to this narrative that it made you a bad daughter or sister. Now, decades into your life, you are navigating the repercussions of never truly feeling confident in your choices or desires.

You will need to take time to process the grief you are experiencing. Not just of your parents’ dying but also the grief for not being able to pursue the things you wanted with your parents’ support. The grief of splitting yourself in two because of your dual identities. And the grief of not being able to enjoy this love you have found because of a fear of what others will think. I sense that you are not feeling secure or stable in your relationship because it feels as though you can lose it at any moment. In the past, this may have been because your parents wouldn’t accept your choices, but now it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What do you think it says about you that you are with the love of your life who is not who you were “supposed” to end up with? Re-authoring this story may require a professional, but it also requires self-compassion. One way to do this is to challenge your negative self-talk that is feeding your guilt and shame. Is it true that you are doing something wrong? Is there evidence you are a bad daughter or sister for choosing your current partner? What narrative about yourself do your thoughts uphold? How are they helping you? Helpful guilt is an emotion that can alert you of your morality, but unhelpful guilt is rooted in someone else’s expectations. You are not doing anything wrong – except for holding yourself to someone else’s standards.

Hypothetically, what would happen if your sisters don’t like your partner? That would be sad and disappointing, but would you end the relationship? You are afraid of being rejected, but in that process, you are rejecting yourself and your own needs and wants. It’ll be important to be honest with yourself about the intention around telling your sisters about your relationship. Focusing on the positive impact and qualities of your partner and your relationship, and simply wanting to share in the celebratory news, can help reframe your shame as pride – making your relationship and your ability to enjoy it less contingent on their approval.

As the youngest, I imagine there are similar dynamics in which you feel you should defer to your older sisters as you did your parents. I wonder if you can start by sharing this news with one sister rather than all of them at once? This may also serve as an opportunity to be honest about the guilt you feel based on previous parenting experiences.

It’s possible your sisters can relate or empathise, helping validate and hold space for your feelings. Either way, unhelpful guilt requires you to turn inward and give yourself what you are so desperately seeking from others.