New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.
Q: My wife and I are women in our early 30s, and we would like to have a baby soon. One of my best friends has a very handsome husband. I mentioned to her that we would like to conceive our baby using his sperm. She seemed to agree — but did so as if in jest. What is the best way to broach this subject again, but more seriously this time? Should we ask in person because of the intimate nature of the request? Or should we write an email, so they have time to process and respond without pressure? — Sara
A: Flashing yellow light! I urge you and your wife to slow down. Do you really want to complicate your relationship with a close friend and her husband simply because he’s handsome and hanging around? Even assuming he has other qualities that are (arguably) more important than his looks — intelligence, good health or a killer fashion sense — you seem to be placing too great a premium on convenience here.
You don’t say whether you want the husband to play any role in your child’s life. If so, there are many issues to decide with your wife before speaking to anyone. (A good family lawyer can help with that.) And if you don’t want the biological father involved, why use the husband of a close friend? You would put him in the awkward position of seeing the child without saying anything about their relationship. There are plenty of good-looking, anonymous donors at sperm banks who have been screened for medical conditions.
Now, you may see this request as less freighted than I do. If you decide to proceed, make a date to meet the couple in person. (Yes, an email is too remote for so sensitive a question.) Make a clear proposal for them to consider. Be prepared to answer their questions, but tell them you don’t expect an immediate answer. It’s a big ask, and I would avoid making it until you’ve considered every angle.