New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.
Q: My new husband and his brother get together most weekends to play music with friends. They meet up in my brother-in-law’s large basement. These get-togethers turn into day-long events, culminating in dinners at local bars or drinks at my brother-in-law’s house. The problem: I’m often not invited! Since I don’t play music, I feel that my sister-in-law has to invite me to hang out with her while the boys jam. But her invitations are far less frequent than the gatherings. I appreciate that she has a busy life, but she usually ends up joining the others for drinks or dinner. And I feel left out: my husband, our friends and my in-laws are sharing meals every week while I sit at home alone because my sister-in-law doesn’t want to spend the day with me. Any advice for navigating this disappointing dynamic? — NEWLYWED
A: Feeling excluded is the worst! So, I’m sorry you feel that way. But I think you may be assessing this situation incorrectly: the problem here is not your sister-in-law — it’s your husband. And, happily, I see an easy fix.
As I understand it, these days break down into two parts: the jam sessions (in which you do not want to participate) and the gatherings afterward (which you would like to attend). I applaud your respect for your sister-in-law’s home, but do you honestly think she would mind if your husband invited you to join the group when the music is over? I would be shocked if she objected.
Ask your husband to call you once he and his brother have stowed their musical instruments. This way, you can join the after-parties without requiring your sister-in-law to babysit you all day. She has errands to run and a life to live — just like you. Put this down to a small miscommunication with your new husband and take it as a lesson going forward: ask for what you want! We rarely get the things we don’t ask for.