Every morning I woke filled with dread and anxiety.
I felt I wasn't good enough, and today was the day I'd unravel and everyone would find out.
I got out of bed at the last possible moment, which meant skipping breakfast.
I showed up to my commitments on time, smiled and did the bare minimum needed to appear held together and meet my own expectations.
But on the inside I was terrified I'll never be smart, brave or bold enough to accomplish everything I wanted.
I used to think the world was my oyster, until depression started to pull at my confidence and replace it with a dark loneliness in which, at times, very little can seem possible.
Despite this, I try to mask the feelings by keeping busy and pushing myself. It doesn't seem so bad if I can pull myself together while around others.
There's no one-size-fits-all picture when it comes to mental illness.
Black Dog Institute estimates one in 20 Australians are affected by depression each year, or almost half of us will experience some kind of mental health issue in our lifetimes.
A typical picture of suffering may be someone unable to get out of bed and engage in normal day-to-day activities, someone who cancels social events and ditches the things that once gave them joy.
The reality is, a person can feel the loneliness and pressing sadness that comes with depression while appearing to hold it together, take on extra commitments and keep up their performance at work. Essentially, they are "high-functioning".
Although high-functioning depression isn't a clinical term, it's commonly used to describe people who are experiencing symptoms of a low mood and find themselves having to put more and more effort into daily tasks, says Associate Professor Vijaya Manicavasagar from Black Dog Institute.
Masked depression
"Essentially we're talking about masked depression, these people are masking their symptoms," she said. "They're expending more energy into things which wouldn't usually exhaust them. One of the most telling signs of being 'high-functioning' is the level of exhaustion a person feels at the end of the day. They'll feel washed up."
Talking to a professional can help relieve the stress and pressure, but Manicavasagar says she still encounters patients who think this is a sign of weakness.
"It's not something they necessarily feel the need to do, especially if they're still getting things done and that helps them to feel like they're coping."
With about a million Australians living with depression in any given year, this stigma needs to shift.
Internal struggles often manifest outwardly in the forms of irritability, increased stress and withdrawal from friends and family, however these changes in character are commonly overlooked or dismissed.
All I can implore is if you see these shifts in the people around you, especially those who appear to be holding everything together, smiling and succeeding, you ask them how they're going and let them know it's okay to admit they're not okay.
This illness has taken more than a year of laughter, confidence and magic from my life.
It's made the small victories seem insignificant and constantly turns molehills into mountains.
While I know this won't always be the case it's incredibly difficult to escape the pressure to appear like I'm keeping everything together and come close to meeting the impossible expectations I push on myself.
What's projected on the outside is so often a stark contrast to the minefield occurring inside, making it all the more important to recognise depression comes in many shapes and sizes.
Where to get help:
• Lifeline: 0800 543 354 (available 24/7)
• Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) (available 24/7)
• Youthline: 0800 376 633
• Kidsline: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
• Whatsup: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)
• Depression helpline: 0800 111 757 (available 24/7)
• Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155
• Samaritans 0800 726 666
• If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
