Neon gym gear must be worn at all times when you are not doing physical activity for it to be called 'activewear'. Photo / iStock.
Neon gym gear must be worn at all times when you are not doing physical activity for it to be called 'activewear'. Photo / iStock.
Beards, tattoos, frogs, dustpans, fire extinguishers ... people wear some weird things these days. It's a challenging task to keep up. Who are these people? What are they wearing? Here is a whip-snap tour of the major fashions in New Zealand right now. Just to help you analyse the situation next time you are confronted by a man bun.
Activewear
Activewear - not to be confused with its delinquent younger sister, Sports Luxe - is for discerning ladies in their 30s. (SL is for white, middle-class girls who flirt with the idea of being "bad", and shock their parents with their wild, wicked ways.)
Activewear demands that one must dress solely in neon gym gear at every moment - providing that one is not doing any actual physical activity. The neon brightness begins at lollipop lady jacket green, and cranks up to a radioactive dazzle strong enough to fry any small dog in a 30m radius. (Ponsonby is in a state of upheaval at the moment, being home to both tiny dogs and tinier women wanting to flaunt their Lycra-clad, newly bought boobs.) As a rule, Activewear clothes should also be tight enough to make the wearer burst out of them - the ideal look is that of an unpricked sausage fried in a pan so that it's just a shade too close to Chernobyl.
Ah, hipsters. Unfortunately it's a style only really available to people under 35. See, you have to maintain a look of constant superiority that only really young people, and the British, can do. Hipsters pioneered the man bun, multiple uses for a mason jar, and the "Great Aunty Ethel on the day she forgot her medication and ran through a hedge" look.
Hipster style demands that everything must be rolled up - from cigarettes to jeans. It also must be ironic, organic, and only available in a gluten-free version from a pop-up store inside a car park, inside a jungle, inside a leopard, inside a giant plum. Don't know where that is? Well, you wouldn't, would you?
Photo / iStock
Normcore
Normcore could also be called post-hipster. Whereas hipster is about making yourself as conspicuous as possible (Should I wear a swan on my head? Well, duh!), Normcore is about making yourself as nondescript as possible.
The look is inspired by ... like, whatever, just some random stuff. No really, Normcore is inspired by apathy. Think large, shapeless T-shirts, sneakers, distressed jeans and baseball caps. You want to look like you don't give a damn about your appearance. (But only in the nonchalant way that requires four hours of outfit preparation every morning.)
It's for hipsters who are too hip for hipsterism. It should apply to Suburban Dads - they have long been advocates of apathetic fashion - but sorry, it doesn't. Just because you put on some running shoes in 1991 and never got around to taking them off, doesn't mean you're suddenly hip. Although you are probably enjoying your healthy, well-supported arches ...
Photos / Getty Images
Ya Ya
If you see someone walking around looking groomed but with an expression like they're recovering from a general anaesthetic, then they're probably a Ya Ya.
The Ya Ya is the vegan of the fashion world - as soon as you meet it immediately tells you what it is. It's rich. It's bold. It's unashamedly expensive. It's for socialites, the Aucklanders born into money and Polo Ralph Lauren booties. Ya Ya fashion comprises pencil skirts, Louboutins, and the sort of clothes that would even make a tsar say, "Look, maybe that's a bit flashy..." When trying to dress like a Ya Ya, ask yourself: Is it white? Is it tight? If so, it's about right for a Ya Ya. (White is the colour du jour of the rich.) To get inspiration, go to Britomart at lunchtime and watch the customers. If they're not gagging over the fact that you could topple a small African dictatorship for the cost of one cup of coffee, then they're your muse.
Photos / Getty Images
Traveller
No one is a tourist these days. Oh no, we're travellers. Travellers are those who like to go on holiday but instead of doing all the silly touristy things, they go off to get the "real" experience.
To dress like one, you need a GoPro, a nose ring and a meaningful tattoo to remind you of the deeply important spiritual, well, somethings. Or something that happened to you during the boozy blur of the four-week bender you took on a Bali party island.
