Minor stressors can accumulate and push couples over the edge in marriage. Photo / 123rf
Minor stressors can accumulate and push couples over the edge in marriage. Photo / 123rf
When I tell a friend I’m writing about how to have a stress-free marriage, she laughs bitterly. Like many couples, she and her husband battle over money: he’s an avid saver and investor while she prefers to live in the moment and deal with the consequences. I don’tknow any couple that doesn’t come into conflict over the division of chores, feels let down by a hastily chosen birthday present (or, worse, no present at all) or seethes when their partner is too exhausted to chat after a long working day. A quarter of a century ago, as my husband and I carried our twin babies out of the hospital where they’d been born, a wise-looking elderly gentleman tapped my husband on the arm. “Remember to always be kind,” he said, “when one of you is tired.”
Sage words indeed from this mysterious angel – yet easily forgotten amid life’s day-to-day stresses when we tend to communicate in barked commands and accusations. When I’m overworked and sleep-deprived, I can be guilty of it myself. “Would you speak to a friend like that?” my husband asked recently. No, because they wash up properly and don’t leave the dishes caked in food! It seems like a minor matter, but often in marriage, it’s the culmination of minor stressors that tip us over the edge.
Divorce often leads to catastrophic emotional and financial implications that might have been avoided if issues had been addressed as they arose. A quarter of UK couples who were struggling to manage their finances post-divorce or separation wished they hadn’t broken up, according to research conducted for insurance company Royal London.
Seeing supposedly rock-solid marriages crumbling all around us can rock us to the core. “Goodwill and a willingness to bend – and to shut up every once in a while,” Meryl Streep told in 2002 when asked about the success of her marriage to sculptor Don Gummer. Yet, in October, it was announced that the pair, who had married in 1978, had been living separately for six years.
One of the main causes of marital breakdown? Failing to address those day-to-day stresses, believes psychotherapist Matt Davies who, with his therapist wife Sarah Davies, is co-author of You, Me, and the Space Between Us – How to (Re)build Your Relationship. “It is hard to address difficult issues,” he says. “You might think, ‘They’ll hate me if I bring this up’. There’s a fear of weakening the bond or, ultimately, the dissolution of the relationship.”
Although it can seem easier in the short term to keep quiet and carry on, you’re probably heading for trouble in the long run. A lack of interest in each other, poor conflict resolution and avoiding each other were the most commonly cited behaviours that meant a marriage was doomed, according to a US survey for Forbes Advisor. The flip side – telling your partner why you’re stressed or upset – might not sound like a fun way to spend your Sunday but it could be the making of your marriage. Here are six ways to get things back on track.
Communication is key
In couples who had been married for between two and eight years, a lack of family support was cited as the main reason for divorce. For longer-term couples, serious issues such as infidelity and a lack of intimacy scuppered the relationship, according to the Forbes study.
Sarah Davies believes that bigger issues can be avoided by raising smaller gripes as they arise: “Within any relationship, it’s important to be heard without it being a big fuss,” she explains. “A backlog of animosity is when trouble starts. But it takes practice to become comfortable with bringing up difficult issues, and typically one partner is often better than the other at clearing the air.” If you’re less comfortable, try taking the lead from your partner on how they bring things into the open. “Lean into it and learn from them,” Sarah says. “Don’t sit back and let them do all the work.”
Sex and relationship coach Serena Novelli has been with her husband, Adriano, for almost 30 years. With five children still living at home, she says that “seeing and hearing each other every single day” has been key to their enduring closeness. “We understand that life can sometimes get in the way, especially when you’re managing a busy household. We make time for regular date nights and proper heartfelt conversations,” she adds. “I make a mental note to come off Instagram when my husband is trying to talk to me.”
Disagree – but don’t fight
“Happy ever after is a fairytale,” Matt Davies says, “and stresses within a relationship are impossible to avoid. In fact, they are good for us. Addressing disagreements can feel like refreshing the browser on your computer.” And if things become heated? “Anger gets a negative press,” he continues. “We think of violence, aggression, hurling insults. But if you express it in a safe way, anger can sometimes be justified.” Sarah Davies’ suggestion? “Go and shout in the woods if you have to.”
Anything, it seems, is better than bottling things up. The happiest marriages include six meaningful conversations and two actual rows per month, according to a survey of 2000 married British couples for Warner Leisure Hotels. But do try to understand your partner’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it.
“There is oppositional behaviour, involving finger pointing and blaming, with the emphasis on winning – as a lawyer would approach it,” says psychotherapist Kamalyn Kaur. “Then there is co-operative behaviour where the focus is more on the outcome and resolution. You might not agree but make sure you hear the person’s views through their perspective and lens.”
Addressing disagreements and occasional heated arguments can be healthy, as bottling up emotions is counterproductive. Photo / 123rf
Focus on each other’s strengths
I often prickle with annoyance when my husband walks away while I’m talking. I positively seethe as he keeps stuffing more and more rubbish into the kitchen bin until it’s a tightly packed column of filth. Yet in 30 years together we have weathered so many storms that I know his strengths – deep loyalty, kindness and immense generosity – outweigh any domestic shortcomings.
“We all want a relationship that’s fun to be in at least most of the time,” says Sarah Davies. “A good rule of thumb is the 80/20 rule. If there’s enough goodness 80 per cent of the time, most of us can manage with the 20 per cent that may not be optimal.”
As an added incentive, focusing on the positives instead of fixating on gripes can be a boon to our physical as well as emotional wellbeing. Researchers at the Yale School of Public Health discovered that marital stress contributed significantly to a more difficult recovery following a heart attack.
Choose to be attracted to each other
The happiest couples have sex five times a week and kiss and cuddle two or three times daily, according to the Warner Leisure Hotels survey. However, research by Lloyds Pharmacy reports that most of us (52 per cent) only get it on once a week, and less than that is just fine – what really matters is our attitude towards intimacy. “You might not be able to get back to when sex was an adrenaline-driven, ecstatic experience driven by lust, mating and bonding,” Matt Davies says. “But instead you can enjoy a deeper intimacy.”
If sex is happening less frequently than filing a tax return, you might need to address the cause. “Becoming like housemates can happen when you’ve been together so long you almost feel like one person merged together,” observes Sarah Davies. “Think about your differences and how fascinating these were to you when you first met. Cultivate your own interests and do things separately. Some space from each other can help to keep things exciting.”
It may also be worth scheduling sessions to get back into the habit. “Diarising sex works for me,” Irish journalist and broadcaster Mariella Frostrup has admitted of her 20-year marriage, “because if I know that’s what I’m doing on a particular day it can be something to look forward to. It’s very easy to end up with a to-do list on which physical intimacy with your partner becomes less of a priority.”
Prioritizing time with your partner is crucial for maintaining a strong relationship. Photo / 123rf
Be kind to one another
“Small gestures of kindness are really important,” says Sarah Davies, “and showing appreciation for those kindnesses is often overlooked. Aim for three appreciations a day, even for those little things such as being handed a cup of tea for the thousandth time. It’s more powerful if you’re specific, saying why you appreciated a gesture and how it made you feel.”
There’s no doubt that acts of kindness boost conviviality at home – and under this banner comes undertaking tasks without being asked. “I’ve learned that I have to pull my weight if we’re going to get along,” says accountant Mark Slater of his 30-year marriage to Pauline. This entails “cooking most nights, cleaning the shower until it gleams and sometimes even balling up her vast mountain of odd socks into pairs”. The sock thing, he admits, translates to a 90 per cent increase in the likelihood of sex that night. So get balling.
Celebrate small, good moments
For most couples, flamboyant gestures aren’t necessary. More than seven in 10 people who responded to the Warner Leisure Hotels survey said that spending time away together without any distractions added excitement to their relationship – but a third were content with smaller acts of kindness, such as dinner out every now and then.
“It’s not always easy to find that quality time for each other,” says Kamalyn Kaur. “You might feel as if you don’t have the emotional bandwidth. But dedicating just one night a month to going out together, or making time for a long walk without phones or other distractions, can solve some of the biggest stressors. I often suggest to clients that they communicate side by side, as in walking, driving or cooking together, as it’s less confrontational and there is less urgency to respond immediately.”
However you do it, ensure that your partner has your full focus. As David Beckham put it when asked about the success of his marriage to Victoria: “We have four kids who are always going in different directions, but you have to prioritise your time with each other. That’s what we’ve always done, and it seems to be working.”
