Experts say the people who are good at friends are intentional about it. Photo / 123rf
For the past 23 years, Chris Michaud has crammed a few dozen friends into his Brooklyn apartment for a version of Friendsgiving – what he now calls “Tiny Pie Day” – because all the food is bite-sized.
Michaud, 47, said the tradition started when his friend group used to hang out all the time to watch movies or play Dungeons and Dragons. Now they’re too busy for all that. Only Tiny Pie Day remains.
“It’s really the one thing we all still do,” said Michaud, who runs a travel agency planning Disney vacations. “We’re not hanging out for friends’ birthday parties because everybody is too busy planning their kids’ birthday parties.”
People often think close friendships form organically. But researchers who study relationships say the people who are the best at friendships are actually intentional about it. A Friendsgiving, like Michaud’s, is the type of gathering that strengthens these bonds.
“If we want to live a life that’s full and healthy for us, we need to figure out a way to prioritise those friends,” said Marc Schulz, a professor of psychology at Bryn Mawr and an associate director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development.
Research shows close relationships are essential to a healthy life. People with a network of close, supportive relationships are better able to deal with bouts of anxiety and depression. The working theory is that close friendships help us regulate our stress during challenging moments, said Robert Waldinger, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development.
Close friends give each other support, relief or just a brief moment of levity. But Americans are spending less time with their friends and the US surgeon general has warned that loneliness – one’s perception of their social isolation – is now a threat to public health that’s akin to smoking cigarettes. It may even increase risk of dementia.
So, how can you invest in your friendships?
Friendships grow when two people regularly see each other (ideally, because they live near each other), when they bond over common interests and when they start to confide in each other, researchers say.
One of the most challenging parts of social connection is finding the time away from work and family to invest in friends.
“We have friends. We understand the value of friends,” said Jeffrey Hall, a professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas. But “it’s very hard to prioritise the time it takes to really enjoy our friendships”.
In a study of new friendships published in 2019, Hall determined it can take more than 200 hours together for an acquaintance to become a close friend. But how you spend your time with someone and what you talk about can speed up the process.
“It’s not enough to just spend a bunch of time together at work,” Hall said. “What’s usually required is a context shift.”
Change the scenery and mix up where you socialise. Repotting a friendship helps people show different sides of themselves, which deepens a bond, said Marisa G Franco, a professor at the University of Maryland and the author of Platonic: How to Make and Keep Friends As An Adult. (“Repotting” is a term first used in a report on close friendships.)
Invite a co-worker or classmate to grab lunch or join your softball team, Hall said. You’re going to start talking about your job or school because that’s a common interest, but the conversation will move along to, say, sports teams or favourite TV shows.
“That’s the process of friendship development,” Hall said. “It’s a process of saying: I want to know more about you beyond the thing we already share.”
Tell a friend what you’re struggling with, Franco said. People mirror each other in conversation. If you’re not vulnerable, the other person may also hold back.
“If you want to have more depth, you’re probably going to have to go first,” Franco said. “Vulnerability begets vulnerability.”
Confiding in each other is one way to form a close relationship, said Melanie Dirks, chairwoman of the department of psychology at McGill University.
But some friends might not want to talk about their more intimate concerns, Waldinger said. And that’s fine; different friendships provide different benefits.
People often choose relationships based on whether they believe there’s a risk of getting rejected, Franco said. When we tell someone we appreciate them, we’re saying “I’m not going to reject you”.
And Thanksgiving is already the time of year for giving thanks, Schulz said.
The number of close friends a person needs to feel socially connected is subjective, Waldinger said.
You can regularly check in with yourself: Do I have someone to call when I’m worried? Do I have people to meet up with for my hobbies or other interests?
One fact of life is most relationships wax and wane, but that’s why it’s important to continue to build friendships with the people you enjoy, Waldinger said.
People tend to have the broadest social network in their early 20s when they are not yet starting families, said Dirks. As people get older, they may have a smaller circle of friends but they still report the same satisfaction from social connections.
We can form close friendships at any age. But as life gets busier, you may need to put yourself in situations where you can meet new people.
“With friendships, we need to be more proactive and not leave things on the back burner,” Schulz said. “So, that means creating opportunities and seizing the moment.”
It's comforting, flavourful, and super-quick.
