Are you age-appropriate or a midlife rebel? The new rules of getting older

Is there an 'ungraceful' way to age? We ask six midlifers their thoughts on the politics of getting older.

As gravity and grey hair take their toll, how do you handle it? Thankfully, the idea that it is unacceptable to look your age is not universally embraced.

In fact, in contrast to the anti-ageing messages perpetuated by the beauty industry for decades, in the past few years a pro-ageing movement has gathered force, arguing that instead of "fighting" the signs of ageing, we should be celebrating beauty at any age. After all, what's wrong with an older face?

There is no right or wrong way to present yourself to the world. But as we get older, society is quick to judge people who are careless enough to look their age.

As actress Sarah Jessica Parker put it, following the online furore on social media about how much older she looks nowadays: "What am I going to do about it? Stop ageing? Disappear?" The pressure to look a certain way – ie, not old – can be enormous, even for those who don't happen to be famous.

Feeling like you have become invisible can be one of the hardest things about getting older, and investing more in how you look is often driven by the need to feel more relevant and be taken seriously.

According to the 2018 JWT Women's Index study The Elastic Generation: The Female Edit, 86 per cent of the 50- and 60-year-olds surveyed believe style is not defined by age.

Unlike previous generations, many of today's over-50s are opting to eschew society's view of the "right" way to do middle age.

They are matching white hair with a confident sense of style, instead of granny cardies and elasticated waists, and marking birthdays with another tattoo or a liquid facelift instead of a cruise.

And for today's relatively wealthy midlifers – a 2014 Saga study showed that over-50s accounted for £320 billion of UK household expenditure, a figure likely to rise – there are multiple ways to do it.

Stylist Nick Hems, whose clientele comprises men aged 45-60, says: "Thanks to social media there's an awareness that the need to have an impressive personal style means pressure to look good.

Some are trying to hold on to their youth, but more than anything it's about establishing a look and staying relevant. You don't go into your 50s and 60s and just die when it comes to grooming and fashion."

While redefining your look via your wardrobe or hairstyle is commonplace, some feel compelled to surgically alter their face, have a breast lift or visit a trichologist to tackle a receding hair line.

Professor Nichola Rumsey OBE, a psychologist who specialises in the psychosocial aspects of appearance, says: "There is a kind of continuum of the extent to which appearance plays a part in people's sense of self-esteem and their identity. Some people are more heavily invested in it and they tend to find the ageing process harder psychologically because they feel like their identity is changing".

This would explain the enormous rise in cosmetic treatments over the past few years. According to research from cosmetic clinic Uvence, 3 million people in Britain are looking to undergo a cosmetic procedure in 2022.

Aesthetic surgeon Dr Jonquille Chantrey, whose clientele includes a large proportion of over-50s, says there has been a huge shift in attitudes towards injectable fillers.

"Fifteen years ago, having aesthetic treatments was a real taboo in mainstream circles," says Chantrey. "But lately I've seen a big increase in middle-aged people who want Botox and fillers to look fresher in order to still feel competitive. They don't want to be judged on how they look in the workplace and it helps with their confidence, although we do always assess for potential dysmorphia."

Increasingly her clientele is male. In 2020 UK plastic surgeons reported a 70 per cent rise in men requesting video consultations, with injectable procedures such as Botox and fillers proving most popular.

"They tend to be successful businessmen who are starting to feel like they look tired, with dark circles, eyebags and a loss of definition in the jaw line," says Chantrey.

Sarah Jessica Parker replied to comments on Instagram about getting older: "What am I going to do about it? Stop ageing? Disappear?" Photo / Supplied

If you look your age, is it such a bad thing? Reaching "a good age" is surely something to be celebrated. Yet in the world of work there is often a sense of pressure to shave a few years off and hope people haven't noticed that you are older than you seem.

As Tricia Cusden, founder of Look Fabulous Forever, a make-up brand formulated for older faces, points out: "Fear of being thrown on the scrapheap in the world of work puts people under enormous pressure, not helped by the fact that it's becoming the norm to have treatments to look younger. If nobody ever tackles the bigger problem – the context in which this is happening – it will be a very sad thing. What about our knowledge and wisdom? Why isn't that valued more in the workplace?"

Cusden is part of the pro-ageing movement, one of several cosmetics brands sharing a positive message about ageing and rejecting the concept of anti-ageing in beauty messaging.

"We're brought up with the notion that ageing is a kind of disease that should be avoided at all costs," she says. "But at Look Fabulous Forever we are celebrating the older face. The pressure to look young is the result of ageism and the debate needs to be reframed in society to show that ageing isn't a terrible thing."

Feeling like you don't look like yourself anymore, because the jowls, lines and eyebags have somehow taken away your essence, can be hard to accept. But ultimately, the notion that we cannot let ourselves look older can be dangerous from a wellbeing point of view.

"Psychologically, you're going to be much more resilient and relaxed about the changes in your appearance if you accept them and start using different attributes to engage with people," says Prof Rumsey.

"And there's a social dimension to it too. If it becomes the norm to have Botox and fillers to look younger, the pressure on people who are trying to live without doing so becomes greater."

With a bigger emphasis on fitness and longevity, a reluctance to slow down and a desire to pack life to the full, our passions and aspirations dictate that having fun with our looks is not something that needs to be consigned to the past. How we do it is a matter of individual choice.

As actress Julianne Moore said: "There's so much judgment inherent in the term 'ageing gracefully'. Is there an 'ungraceful' way to age?"

Sarah Burns, 50

'Who says I have to dress like a grandma?'

At 50, I don't feel any different to how I felt at 30 or 40. With a 12-year-old son and a busy work and social life, I just don't feel old. My grandmother died at 96 – now that's old. But 50 is not old at all. And our generation has seen that change.

I've not changed my look at all as I've got older. I like hard-to-find trainers and clothes from Net-a-Porter and independent stores, and I really don't see why I should cover up. I work hard to keep fit by going to the gym and walking everywhere.

I choose clothes based on looking good, not based on age, and I wear bikinis and short skirts on holiday – why not? How you dress shouldn't be about someone else's judgment but your own.

I dyed my hair from my 20s to cover a white streak. When I shaved it off in solidarity with a friend who had cancer, I thought it looked great with that dash of white. I keep it short now and it's liberating. You never have a bad hair day – just get up and go.

I don't mind wrinkles, but if my face fundamentally changed and I didn't look like myself anymore – if I looked really miserable or angry – I wouldn't rule out a cosmetic tweak.

I find it really insulting when people say "But you're really cool" when they find out my age – like, why wouldn't I be? I don't see why there's this expectation that at 50 you wake up and start dressing like a grandma, in housecoat and polyester slacks. There is no age label in clothes.

Sarah Burns is founder of prize promotions agency Prizology.

Vicki Baumann, 60

'There's something liberating about saying "This is who I am" '

Since becoming a yoga teacher and getting fit and toned, buying clothes has become a pleasure.

I'd describe my style as classic and tailored. I don't wear outlandish or blingy clothes and, in a dress, I always ask myself, "Am I too old for this?" I'm not always sure where the dividing line is.

My first concern when choosing what to wear is comfort, but after that I do sometimes fear the judgment of others and worry about looking like "mutton". It shouldn't matter, but as women we have so much judgment throughout our lives that I often find myself fighting these questions I wish weren't in my head.

I dyed my hair for years and finally gave in to the greys in my mid-50s. Luckily, it's a lovely tone and there's something quite liberating about just saying, "This is who I am."

I don't look in the mirror and think, "Wow, I look fantastic!" In fact, sometimes I think, "Who is that old lady?" But I'm not interested in Botox or fillers. I just want to be who I am, even if it's sometimes hard to face my reflection.

Before my sister died at 48, I remember her saying she wished she could grow old. For me, it's a constant reminder that I am privileged to be the age I am.

I think it's hilarious that I have just turned 60 when, thanks to yoga, I feel like I am in my 30s and can do flips and headstands.

Yoga is about letting go of your ego, not judging yourself against others, and accepting where you are today. And I know that it will help me to accept my future.

Vicki Baumann teaches live online yoga classes via Zoom.

Diane Watson, 63

'I have Botox and fillers to look my best'

I am a believer in embracing things that help us age better. I started having Botox in 2005 when I began getting the family frown. It was during the menopause and I didn't like what I saw in the mirror – I was ageing before my own eyes.

Since then, I have raised my game. I have regular Botox and fillers as well as dyeing my hair and I honestly haven't looked back. It's important that it looks natural, though.

I work as a financial adviser and I'm one of the oldest women there, so looking the best version of myself is vital. I've always loved dressing well and being one of the oldest partners makes me feel under pressure from within to look more youthful.

To be in the right zone and give people a reason to trust me with their financial decisions, I have to look the part. For me it's all about maintenance and subtle enhancements.

Ageing can be cruel for women and if you work in an environment with lots of younger people, it's understandable to want a bit of help with your looks. At a recent event I bumped into a woman I know in her 50s who had gone completely grey since the last time I saw her. She looked so old.

Some people look great when they've gone grey, but I equate greys with age. My mother is in her 80s and still dyes her hair.

If you've got great legs and a good figure you should wear what you want. Life is not over when you hit your 60s.

Diane Watson is founder of She Can Prosper, a financial planning service for women.

Buckso Dhillon-Woolley, 49

'My confidence has grown and I don't care what people think'

Being an actress, I was loath to let my hair go grey as that would throw me into the over-50s age bracket at work. I've had parts in Silent Witness, Unforgotten and most of the soaps and I wanted to keep playing younger roles. As I don't have lines on my face and nothing else about me that says "50-plus woman", I kept dyeing it.

But after my dad passed away last year during lockdown, I just didn't have the energy to keep colouring it. Now I can fully see how silver I am – and I love it.

I had it cut short and funky. It was nerve-racking because I knew it could affect the roles I get offered – but then I can always wear a wig for auditions or roles.

I'm happy to be put forward for older parts now. My confidence has grown, and I no longer care what other people think.

I love being an older woman. I've got plenty of wisdom, which is why I've become a life coach – to share it. It's so liberating to not be dragged down by this societal need to look a certain way. I even got stopped in the street by a man who commented on how great I looked.

I love looking good and feel like I've come into my own. I drink collagen every day and have a good skincare routine. I hardly drink and don't smoke. But Botox and fillers? No thanks. My second tattoo will be the only needle I get.

Buckso Dhillon-Woolley is an actress, speaker and spiritual life coach.

Patrick Reid, 52

'I take pride in looking good'

I was a late learner when it came to my appearance, but after changing careers, I decided to improve how I look. A few years ago, I started having Botox every three months and consulted a stylist to learn how to make the best of myself. I find it liberating to have a little Botox lift: it gives me a spring in my step. I don't want a frozen face – just to look a bit fresher.

For me, looking fresh is a whole lifestyle – I'm not going to spend the money on Botox and then treat my body badly.

I have a personal trainer, do Body Pump and Spin classes and watch my diet. I don't drink alcohol and I get plenty of sleep, using ear plugs and a sleep mask with rosemary in it. I drink fresh juices in the morning and take Propecia tablets to stop hair loss. If I wake up tomorrow with grey hair, I'll book an appointment with a stylist.

I enjoy looking good both for my partner and myself. When I'm with a client I want to look my best, without being fake. I don't want to look 30 but the best 52 that I can.

Patrick Reid is a foreign exchange consultant.

Chris Ashworth, 52

'I look for natural ways to enhance myself'

When my mum died just after lockdown I went through a tough time. Something had to change and I started following the Wim Hof method: cold therapy, whereby you gradually expose yourself to the cold by ending your daily showers with icy water.

It's the most wonderful thing I've ever done, bringing me more into my body and out of my mind. When you feel good you exude radiance. I don't wake up worried, but happy.

Overall, I look for natural ways to enhance myself. I follow a healthy diet and only drink moderately. I look tanned most of the time because of cold therapy and it's even made my hair thicker. Thanks to Pilates, I've grown muscle mass and my posture has improved.

I do take pride in my appearance. I love a good haircut and I colour co-ordinate clothes and hats, but I'd never use Botox or hair dye – I'm going grey gracefully. I've found it easier to accept changes in how I look because I feel good. In the mirror I look good for 52, and I feel good for my age, too.

If I'm concerned about how I appear, it's more about looking relaxed. Working in the wellness industry, I'm the face of my business and my clients need to see I'm living by my values. I've got creases on my face, but they are there because I smile so much – what a nice thing to have.

Chris Ashworth is a Pilates instructor and massage therapist.