KEY POINTS:
Help is now at hand if you think you have a cosmetics problem
You've heard of a fashion victim? You know, the person who clothes themselves in each and every trend that comes along regardless of what suits them personally?
Along the same lines these days there are also beauty victims. These are the individuals who drool at the thought of a new skin cream, who believe every piece of cosmetic-company marketing and proudly smear themselves with bright yellow eye shadow if some savvy beauty editor tells them to. And that's regardless of what suits them, what their skincare regime really requires and whether anyone is laughing at them.
Anyone to whom this sounds worryingly familiar may wish to take the quiz below. If you get too many of these questions right, an intervention - including a ban on beauty magazines, visits to department store cosmetics counters and only one moisturiser to be used at any one time - may be required.
1. When reaching for the oranges at the supermarket, you sometimes get confused because:
a. You can't decide which oranges to buy.
b. The price for these oranges seems a bit high.
c. Your hand and forearm seems to have disappeared and the woman next to you is staring oddly at your face.
d. The woman next to you seems to be tanned the same colour as the oranges. How strange!
2. You're wearing lashings of shimmering green eye shadow with a yellow-gold stripe along your brow bone today because:
a. You're a model and you're doing a photo shoot for an international magazine today.
b. You're a real estate agent and you read about this look in an international magazine yesterday.
c. You've worn your eye shadow like this since you took acid in the 60s.
d. You're going to a fancy dress party with a Tropical Birds theme.
e. You're a drag queen on the way to work.
3. Last time you went to the beauty salon:
a. You had three beauticians in the room with you - one to pedicure, one to manicure and the final one to do your facial.
b. Your eyes watered because the procedure was so painful!
c. You were greeted by name. After all, you're there nearly every week.
d. You went with your best friend the day before her wedding.
4. Someone tells you about eyelash extensions and it makes you want to:
a. Laugh. That's got to be a joke, right?
b. Cry. But they'll be tears of joy. It's just what your stubby lashes have always needed.
c. Stay at home. You imagine it's going to cost a fair bit to get this done so you'll stay at home and save money for the procedure.
d. Run. Either to the Yellow Pages or the internet to see if anyone in New Zealand does this.
5. You need to go to your Botox doctor every month because of serious medical problems with:
a. Severe primary axillary hyperhidrosis.
b. Glabellar lines.
c. Blepharospasm.
d. Strabismus.
e. Migraine headaches.
6. If you were to get up at 5.30 every morning it would be:
a. Because you need to straighten every last centimetre of your hair.
b. Because you want to go for a run.
c. Because that's when the baby starts crying.
d. Because that's how long it takes to put your face on.
e. Because you don't want your lover (or anybody else, for that matter) to see you sans mascara.
7. You love looking at the beautiful pictures of models in fashion magazines, wearing all the latest hair and beauty looks. Afterwards you wish:
a. You could apply liquid eye liner like that.
b. You could look exactly like those models.
c. You suited those great fashion colours - but you know coral-coloured lipstick has never been your thing.
d. You'd have the guts (and the opportunity) to be a bit more daring with your make-up.
8. Look in the mirror. Now count how many different colours there are in your hair?
a. One - your natural colour.
b. One - an all-over hair colour.
c. Two or three - an all-over hair colour with a couple of subtle streaks in a complementary shade.
d. Two - your natural colour with a little bit of, oh dear, grey! Might have to pluck that out later!
e. Four or five - you had foils and now there are chestnut, blonde and black streaks over a dark brown base. It looks fabulous and your hairdresser told you this was very trendy.
9. You become enraged when:
a. All the beauty products you own fall out of your bathroom cupboard.
b. Your favourite eye shadow colour runs out and you find out the shade has been discontinued.
c. The liquid soap in a bathroom isn't the same environmentally friendly brand as all your organic skincare.
d. Your sister visits for the evening and steals your favourite lipstick.
10. If you don't use your favourite beauty product every day - be it a cleanser, a cellulite cream, mascara or shower gel - then you will:
a. Look like a different person.
b. Surely die.
c. Definitely develop a hideous and disfiguring rash.
d. Not be able to leave the house.
e. Lose all your friends.
11. How much room do you need to store all the skin creams, potions, lotions and cosmetics you own?
a. One cupboard in the bathroom.
b. One cupboard in the bathroom and two drawers in the bedroom.
c. One cupboard in the bathroom, two drawers in the bedroom and a plastic container-full elsewhere in the house.
d. Two drawers in the bedroom, two cupboards in the bathroom, three plastic containers elsewhere in the house and an old cardboard box of mistakes in the garage.
12. When men you fancy talk about how much they like the natural beauty of Hollywood celebrities like Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz, you already know:
a. That tomorrow you will be visiting your cosmetic surgeon to see if you can get your nose looking more like Barrymore's.
b. That those kinds of looks do not come naturally - they may not involve cosmetic surgery but there's certainly a lot of maintenance and grooming going on.
c. That those men are pigs and that you will need to educate them about the beauty myth immediately.
d. That Diaz actually has bad acne and Barrymore has cellulite because all the weekly gossip magazines told you so.
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ANSWERS
1. d
Admit it. You've been on the sunbed three times already this week. And you're turning orange. It's time to leave the 80s and join everyone else in the 21st century. Being overly tanned, even if it's on a sunbed, is downright unhealthy.
2. b
But does it really suit you? And is it really appropriate for the office? Just like the average fashion victim, the beauty victim follows cosmetic trends blindly, without any thought as to whether the look really suits their personal style.
3. c
If you had three beauticians in the room with you, this may be because you're in a hurry. Or maybe you're greedy. Or you like a lot of attention. And if your eyes watered, that's also okay. Most of us suffer for the sake of beauty sometimes, whether its because someone just ripped the wax off our legs, the tint got in our eyes or the heels were too high for dancing all night. But if you go to the beautician every week and they know your name, you're verging on victim status.
4. c
If you're putting your life on hold so you can save up for eyelash extensions then there's something wrong.
5. b
Blepharospasm is rapid blinking, strabismus is a lazy eye and severe primary axillary hypherhidrosis means you sweat so much it becomes a medical problem. And we know what migraines are. All of these can be treated with Botox. However glabellar lines are those on your forehead, also known as frown lines. Good try though, Ms Beauty Victim!
6. e
If you want to straighten every wave out of your hair or take a lot of time over your makeup, then that's your prerogative. We all have our beauty obsessions. But if you've become so reliant on makeup that no one sees your real face, then, sorry, you have a problem.
7. b
If you're a realistic, mature reader of fashion magazines, you'll know that the close-ups of young girls' faces in magazine beauty shoots have been altered by computer. Blemishes are smoothed out, tiny facial hairs removed and colours enhanced. So yes, you're right to be inspired by the latest colours and techniques. But unless your face is made out of plastic or you're two years old, your skin won't ever look exactly like that.
8. e
Everything in moderation - including cocktails, designer shoes and hair colours. Also worth considering: in everyday life, beauty products should enhance natural assets, rather than covering them completely.
9. c
Quite a few of these are enough to make even the most mild -mannered individual annoyed. However if you're going to get angry and self-righteous just because everyone in the world isn't quite as green as you are, then you too may be a beauty victim.
10. All
A trick question. If going without your favourite product for a day drives you this crazy, then you should be rinsed of all colours and forced into beauty-product-less isolation at once.
11. c and d
It would seem reasonable for the average user of cosmetics to have a couple of drawers full and maybe even a shelf or two in the bathroom. Any more than that, you're a beauty victim. Or a terrible hoarder.
12. a
Looking that hot all the time isn't easy. And yes, it does require more effort than most men are aware of. Although blokes have started using more beauty products lately they're still not quite as aware as females of what natural beauty requires. We're talking tanning salons, hair colourists, fashion stylists, manicures, pedicures and regular facials here. Doing all that, all of the time, means you're wealthy and bored, it's your job to look great (Hollywood actresses) or you're obsessed.
