In a blindingly clear sign from the universe, Simon Dallow came onto my TV screen, letting this simple snacker know that TVNZ would be broadcasting Les Mills classes on channel 1 at 9am, everyday during the lockdown.
Message taken Simon. Message taken.
Day one: Body Balance
Now that I can namaste at home all-day, Les Mills' Body Balance class sounded like a great place to kick things off.
The hour-long class focused on yoga positions with varying difficulties, advanced, intermediate and beginner. I prefer to refer to these as, Zen Guru Master, Gym Junkie, and Person Who Buys Active Wear But Only Lounges In It.
Naturally, I took on that last level.
As my child yelled from his cot, refusing his morning nap like a champ, I was lycra-clad in my lounge with Harmony from Piha beach who looked to be filled with endorphins and the holy spirit.
Harmony bore an uncanny resemblance - and voice - to Liv Tyler's character Arwin in Lord of the Rings.
I spent most of the hour-long class trying to figure out why I had never seen people like Harmony before. Where did they keep these ethereal Les Mills instructors when they weren't instructing? Were they also half-elven like Arwin? Will Legolas and his golden tresses be gracing my screen tomorrow? Fingers bloody crossed.
Regardless, these modern-day Suzie (and Steve) Aikens put on a challenging but pretty rock-solid class and I was left rather pooped from the experience.
While music from the movie Frozen was a bizarre addition to the workout, I gave this class seven sun salutations out of a possible 10.
Day two: Body Combat
Hyah! I'll have what these two instructors are having.
That's right, I am still heavily distracted by the instructors, their aura and where they find the intense joy they use to shout fun buzz words like "Jenga!" which seems to refer to some form of side salsa.
The Body Combat class combined different martial arts like tai chi, Muay Thai, capoeira, and kickboxing and was one heck of a sweat-dripper.
I actually really loved this one, despite the large number of kicks that nearly saw me serve a roundhouse boot to my wall-mounted flat screen. Thankfully, as today revealed, I am terrible at high kicks and virtually all martial arts.
After the class, I was filled with energy and drenched in sweat. I felt a strange urge to go and do poorly executed parkour through my neighbourhood. But for now, the street is safe because #stayathomesavelives.
I give this class nine karate chops out of a possible 10.
Day three: Body Balance
On day three I woke up feeling very sore from the martial arts extravaganza of day two. Surprisingly I was ready to tackle today's class and found myself eagerly anticipating what it might be.
What was happening to me? Was I becoming a member of the Les Mills "tribe"? Would I soon be sporting one of the gym's "Warrant of Fitness" bumper stickers on my Honda Fit?
Today we were blessed with a man leading the class. I decided to call him Kent. He's a handsome, muscle-bound brunette who takes the reins alongside the woman I referred to earlier as Harmony - who was bringing it home in the back.
I actually really liked the vibe of today's class, and it wasn't just because a long-lost Braxton brother from Home and Away was cheering me on with positive affirmations. Good on ya, Hot Kent - I am a superstar!
The class was just what my sore body needed after day two's Body Combat. The flow and timing of the class was challenging but easy to follow. I found myself harnessing my inner yogi and loving every twist and deep stretch thrown my way.
After the class and guided meditation I was full of energy. I felt some form of new clarity and was ready to take on the day.
I give this class nine long lost Braxton brothers out of a possible 10.
The verdict
Whoever decided on this free collab between Les Mills and TVNZ had a true stroke of genius and I guarantee Les Mills website has been inundated with views in the days since. I, for one, have been getting click-happy, wondering how I can stay on the fun train post-lockdown.
The classes are uplifting, though at times the music or banter seems bizarre. But by day three, while I found myself not minding the Disney soundtrack, the instructors singing along remained truly unbearable.
These televised workouts bring something we all need right now: a distraction that takes our brain somewhere positive and gives us something to look forward to.
We can't control all the madness happening in the world around us, but we can take steps to ensure we are our best selves in order to cope with whatever happens next. Personally, I feel like getting active helps me feel stronger mentally and physically, and doing something great for my body stops me from feeling like I am just sitting here counting down the days until I can leave the house to smash a java and giant cream-filled doughnut at my local cafe.
