An online ambush in the real world

People should not be able to whip out their iphones, log on to FB, send a friend request, then hand you the iphone and stand over you until you accept it. Photo / Thinkstock

Helena McAlpine has been Facebook friend request ambushed.

People should NOT be able to whip out their iphones, log on to FB, send a friend request, then hand you the iphone and stand over you until you accept it. It's an awkward virtual and real-life social situation...

Last weekend I experienced one of my own personal nightmares. Why do parents insist on providing their offspring with noise making implements (some bigger than the actual child), then marvel over the out-of-tune cacophony as if they are hearing Vivaldi's Four Seasons for the first time?

The Auckland School Music Competition took place on Saturday. The Mini McAlpine played percussion. I got a headache.

It might surprise you to learn that I am not very good at making small talk with others and while I love to support and encourage my child, I often go out of my way to avoid other parents at these events.

It's not that I'm snobby - I genuinely like a lot of the people. What I cannot handle is the bare faced lies that mothers and fathers tell each other.

There are many societies throughout the world built on trust and secret handshakes. Parenthood should be one of them. Why do we have to lie to each other about the abilities of our children?

Don't stand there telling me that your child is a musical prodigy when I can clearly hear that Little Quentin has about as much musical talent as an American Idol reject and is producing the kind of noise created by an asthmatic elephant with allergies. Who in their right mind gives a trombone to a ten year old?

I believe parents have a commitment to be up front and honest with each other at all times.

By all means tell pregnant women that carrying a child is the most beautiful thing in the world. Of course it is.

But don't leave out the fact the when it comes time to expel that bellyful of arms and legs, it bloody well hurts for hours on end and you emit the most God awful noises, smells and bodily fluids.

Likewise, feel free to praise and encourage your children - tell them they are the best in the world at finger painting and macaroni necklace making. But don't try to pull the wool over the eyes of other parents about these skills. We've all been there! We know it's not true!

I understand the importance of supporting your children in whatever wholesome activities they show an interest in, but some of the parents at the music competition where so over zealous in their praise of their offspring it was scary.

One excited mother cornered me in the rehearsal room and launched into a full campaign presentation on how Little Johnny was SO talented and MUST get his musical prowess from her side of the family...

I nodded in agreement and passed a few comments along the lines that he was positively Beethoven-like - all the while wondering whether being tone-deaf is hereditary.

Things turned a little 'show and tell' when Music Mum whipped out her iphone to showcase no less than 378 photos of various other things Little Johnny was apparently proficient in.

Then, that most awkward of modern social situations occurred. She proceeded to exclaim that I simply HAD to be Facebook buddies with her as she regularly posts updates of Little Johnny's progress.

Internet connection was instantly made. She logged on. She found me via the school homepage. She sent a friend request. She handed me the iphone. She stood there expectantly as I found my own page and clicked on accept friend request. It was done. So easily done.

It was like a million uncomfortable moments all rolled into one. There was a lot of pressure.

Looking back I realise I got completely stood over. She was the coffee-morning, SUV-driving, family-photo-portraits-at-Christmas version of a debt collecting gang member.

And she scared the hell out of me.

Now I have to make small talk online as well as in real life.

The lies told by parents will reach me everywhere.