Go low-tech. Avoid the automated check-out. It is a false friend to the introvert. Hoping to skip any human contact? Think again: the inevitable Unidentified Item In Bagging Area will leave you standing by a flashing light while blushing and feeling guilty. Not to mention the flood of bad feelings about being an Unidentified Item In Bagging Area all through high school and beyond.
Hugs. Arriving at family Christmas events is a hugging minefield for the introvert. Introverts know that hugs are for the death of a beloved dog and airport goodbyes (long-haul flights only). In both cases the correct stance is as if participating in the downhill luge at the Winter Olympics: chin to chest, shoulders to chin, arms pinned to sides. Star Wars' C3PO is a useful role model here. However, the best solution is simply to arrive wearing a sturdy surgical neck brace. Bring a bendy straw with you for added credibility, and the worst physical contact the day will bring is some concerned arm-stroking.
How long am I stuck here? The prospect of a long day or evening of meaningless festive chat can feel like an unfurling red carpet to introvert hell. Give yourself a boost pre-party by planning exactly when you'll leave. Party kicks off at 8pm? Promise yourself to make a real effort to circulate and meet fun new people until your taxi arrives at 8.07pm.
Turkey. An unlikely Christmas ally for introverts. Clearly an obnoxious extrovert in life, in death the turkey is your best friend. Bringing the majestic bird to the table is a task for an extrovert. All cavemen are deeply validated by offering bulky protein to blood relatives. But the vile hours of turkey preparation are the introvert's private nirvana. Invest in an outsized turkey baster, and never let it leave your hand. The presence of this entirely innocent but inescapably phallic and slimy accessory will shut down all but the most intrepid conversationalists. If this isn't enough to ensure some quiet time, smear some giblets lightly on your face. Don't get carried away. You are pitching for uneasy tension, not full Lord of the Flies.
Small talk. Daunting for many introverts, but the solution is surprisingly easy. Just ask a lot of questions. Don't fall back on boring ones like "What do you do?" though. Everyone loves to talk about themselves, so try something more personal. "Why do you feel so alone?" is a great starting point for anyone who is more than half a bottle of wine into Christmas Day.
Pavlova. Never trust a person who claims to "love entertaining". In most cases this is the smoke signal of a simmering control freak. Easily identified by the indoor/outdoor flow of their home, extroverted entertainers will always try to make you dance. You must, in turn, exact the introvert's revenge. Some forward planning is required. First, find a magnificently long pubic hair. (You may need to visit the ablutions block of a Top Ten campsite.) When the opportunity arises, discreetly drop it on the extrovert's pavlova. When the horrifying discovery unfolds, distance yourself from suspicion by murmuring, "I'm sure it's just an eyelash."
