There is an expectation around lack of sex within a long marriage, isn’t there? People write jokes about it. Put a coin in a pot every time you have sex during the first year of your marriage and then take one out every time you have sex for the rest of your marriage, the coins will never run out, they say. And so we comfort ourselves with normal. He may believe that you wanting sex less and less is normal. He may be taking comfort in that. But the thing is, with sex, there is no normal.
There is a point when many of us discover that sex is not just the place where attraction meets friction. It’s about communication. It is that – more than anything else – that keeps the sex flame alight as the years roll by. Plenty of couples may be in the room together physically, but if they are not in the same room mentally, then things can stagnate.
And it’s worth remembering how much we change. Everything we want changes. We no longer enjoy steak the way we used to. We go off our favourite perfume. We unexpectedly take against that wallpaper we once adored. Our wardrobes are suddenly stuffed with clothes we can’t bear to put on our bodies. Having been obsessed with murdery, scandi-noir telly, we abruptly decide that we are happy never to see a dead female body on our screens again. And with sex, we change. You say – in your longer letter – that sex, for you, used largely to be about being wanted. Well, now you want to evolve from being merely desirable to articulating your own desires, but you don’t know how to ask for what you want because you never have.
Dissatisfaction is frustrating and you sound cross. Can you flip crossness into curiosity? It might make for much more fertile sexual ground. And start talking. Many people are intimidated when it comes to talking about sex. They think the conversation will revolve around tickling each other with feathers, chocolate body paint, interminable eye contact and discussions around “pleasure”. Which is a revolting word. We’re going to attempt to suggest some other paths you might take.
Firstly, we read something recently that suggested that, while everything in life is about sex, sex is always about something else. So, before you start sending spicy text messages, take some time to think about whether your dissatisfaction is really about sex. Do you feel seen and heard in other areas of your marriage? Is it that which is turning you off rather than the well-trodden sexual path you are unexcited by? Why not start this journey by creating fun in other areas of your life? Times you can laugh and connect and feel like a rather sensational unit.
We would advise against whacking out the sex toys or switching on the porn without warning. Can you shift the mood with a few well-chosen words: “Imagine if we could have sex for the first time… What might that be like? What would we do?” Get some hot underwear – just to be clear that you are focusing. Flirt, for the same reason. Send those spicy texts, perhaps preceded by a warning: “I’m going to be sending you some sexy messages today.” Ask him what turns him on; what he’d like to try, and tell him what might excite you. Try the old “Wouldn’t it be sexy if….” whisper. Just don’t criticise, because it can be hard to unhear that stuff.
You may find, Dissatisfied, that it is perfectly possible to have different sex with the same person. But that won’t happen unless you find a way to show what you want. It might feel very powerful. Very sexy. Very, very satisfying.
