It might be time for a candid conversation about family support. Photo / 123RF
It might be time for a candid conversation about family support. Photo / 123RF
A reader bristles at the child care that her mother-in-law provides for her wealthy daughter, who the reader doesn’t think needs free help as much as she does.
Q: I am a married woman with two young kids. Our family moved to Dallas during the pandemic to be close tomy in-laws – and for the help they would give us. So far, we haven’t gotten much, and I am beyond frustrated. My wealthy sister-in-law, who doesn’t work, treats my mother-in-law like a live-in nanny. She travels frequently and leaves her children with her parents. So my husband and I, who work full time, get little help. We are exhausted! What should I do? I think my sister-in-law is taking advantage of her mother, but I feel uncomfortable asking for help because my mother-in-law is so tired. Also, my sister-in-law has access to nannies. Help! – Daughter-in-law
A: I sympathise with any parent struggling to find good, affordable child care. But unless you omitted some important details here, you and your husband seem to have misjudged the situation in Dallas. Before you moved, did your in-laws offer to help with the children? Did you ask them if they would? Because if child care was a major reason for relocating, discussing it with them was essential.
Now I understand that you believe your sister-in-law is better able to pay for child care than you are. But you must also see that a daughter asking her mother for help may register differently from a daughter-in-law asking for the same. (Not always, but often.) And that leads to another question: Where is your husband in all this? It’s his mother whom you expect to mind your children!
I also sympathise with your mother-in-law: She is being worked to exhaustion by one adult child while the wife of another child waits impatiently in the wings. To me, the solution is for your husband and you to talk to his mother (and, eventually, his sister) about a more equitable allocation of help with greater attention to his mother’s welfare.
Child care support from in-laws can vary greatly and often depends on pre-existing family dynamics. Photo / 123RF
Medical history as marker of intimacy
Q: I was married for 39 years. My wife died four years ago. She knew about my clinical depression and was supportive during my weeklong stay in a psychiatric ward 12 years ago. Now I am in a relationship with a woman I have been dating for two years. I moved into her home recently and put mine on the market. I have been candid with her about my depression, which is largely controlled with medication, but I have not told her about my hospitalisation. Must I – even though it may risk the relationship? Or is it too much information? – Boyfriend
A: I am a suicide survivor, so my main concern is for your well-being. (I’m glad to hear that you’re doing well!) The prevailing view is that you may share your medical history when you feel comfortable. Still, I don’t believe that anyone would characterise a hospitalisation as unimportant – or “too much information”.
If you really think your girlfriend might end your relationship if she learned of it, that’s a powerful argument that you may be dating the wrong woman. Still, this is a complicated issue that you should raise soon with the doctor who prescribes your medication or with a therapist. You have a right to privacy, but the woman you’re living with also deserves to know about the important events in your background. I hate to think that shame about a mental illness may persuade you to keep a secret from her, when secret-keeping may be the real danger.
Q: I made a new friend, whom I meet for coffee. She suggested we have dinner with our husbands as a foursome. It was a disaster! Her husband talked about himself nonstop and never asked us anything about ourselves. My husband and I don’t want to socialise with him again. But my friend keeps asking when the four of us can get together. I make up excuses, but she won’t take the hint. How do I let her know that we don’t want to see them as a couple without losing her friendship? – Friend
A: Don’t put your friend in a position to guess! How can she possibly know that the excuses you’re inventing aren’t real? This situation is not uncommon: Just because two people get along doesn’t mean they and their spouses will mesh as a group. There’s chemistry involved – and no need to make anyone a villain. It simply didn’t work out!
Say: “The double dates don’t work for us.” (Or, if your husband agrees, it may be easier to say: “The double dates don’t work for my husband.”) Then continue: “But I’d like to see you one on one. How’s next week?” She may feel stung. But better to be honest than to make up excuses forever.
Beach house ‘freeloaders’
Q: My husband and I are renting an oceanfront house for two weeks. Our large immediate family of children and grandchildren will join us. I don’t want any freeloaders. My brother-in-law has already asked when he and his kids can visit. My husband says it’s just a day trip, but my brother-in-law has turned up before ready to stay over. I want to relax and enjoy my family. How should I handle this? – Wife
A: Be clear! If it’s hard for your husband to set limits with his brother, speak to him yourself: “We are expecting you for the day on Thursday, OK?” I don’t know the history here, but if the prior invitations were unclear about your expectations, suggesting that your brother-in-law is a “freeloader” seems unfair to me.
