New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.
Q. I have been dating my boyfriend for three years; we’ve been living together for two of them. Last week, he said we should get married and that he wants a prenuptial agreement. I have always paid my way in our relationship, so I was surprised by this. He has more money than I do, but it’s not exorbitant, Succession-type wealth. I agreed to his request because I was taught to be financially independent, but now I resent him for it. I’m nervous about what’s to come rather than excited to get married. Can I push back on this? — GIRLFRIEND
A. Were there any hearts and flowers in your boyfriend’s marriage proposal, or was it all prenup? I get it if you buried the romantic bits because you’re distraught by the financial proposition. But if there was no sweetness in it, red flag! Otherwise, let’s dig into prenuptial agreements, which are less scary than many people think.
About 40 per cent of marriages end in divorce. That’s scary! So, whether your boyfriend managed to save $50,000 or inherit $50 million (still chump change for the nepo babies on Succession), I understand his impulse. Asking to protect his premarital assets and divide those you create together, which is largely in keeping with divorce law, doesn’t make him a doomsayer about your relationship any more than buying fire insurance makes him an arsonist. Stuff happens — about 40 per cent of the time.
Now let me add that I am not generally a fan of prenups for people without big assets, liabilities or children from previous relationships. (Yes, I am looking at you, medical school debt!) Life is unpredictable. One of you may hit a career jackpot. Or parenthood may depress a spouse’s earnings. But these things may not happen for years, if at all. Complex prenups that divide assets before they exist or cap support payments before there’s a track record of earnings are silly — and often unfair to the poorer spouse.