A reader asks whether she should be more blunt about her wish for birthday and anniversary presents from a man who isn’t the gift-giving type.
Q: My boyfriend and I are two weeks away from the first anniversary of our meeting. We both lost longtime spouses within the last five years. I love him, and I believe he loves me, too. We’re talking about moving in together. My disappointment with him involves gift-giving: He doesn’t celebrate special days or want gifts or any acknowledgment. But I love giving and receiving presents! For my birthday, he took me to dinner, but otherwise made little effort. He offered to buy me a gift if I wanted something. (For his birthday, I made a special dinner and some homemade candy.) Also, he’s had some health issues recently that have created extra work for me. I don’t begrudge that, and he seems grateful, but an occasional gift or word of appreciation would be nice. Should I tell him I want a gift for our anniversary? - Girlfriend
A: Some people say: What’s the point of a gift (or a thank you) if you have to ask for it? I am not one of them. You and your boyfriend are still working out the terms of your relationship. Now seems like a perfect time to explain to him that small gifts and words of gratitude are your “love languages” (as pop psychology puts it). Clearly, they are not his, but that doesn’t exempt him from trying to meet your needs — or you, his.
Set him up to succeed. Tell him, too, about shops you like or friends with whom he can brainstorm about gifts. You don’t have a problem, in my book, until you have expressed your needs and he still makes little effort. We owe it to our partners to help them understand what makes us tick.
Now, burying issues like these can often lead us to weird conclusions. There was not a material difference, in my view, in how you and your boyfriend celebrated each other’s birthdays — though you seem to think there was. (Apologies to your homemade candy.) Worse, without discussing the emotional significance that gifts and kind words hold for you, asking your boyfriend for them after caring for him during an illness may be misinterpreted as mercenary. So, explain your needs to him — and ask about his. Very few of us are mind readers!