What do you do when a family member interferes in your relationship, and your partner chooses to side with them, and not you? Photo / 123rf
They were in a “secure and happy relationship” — until his mum made them feel like their only option was to break up.
Q. My ex and I (both South Asian) had to end a secure and happy relationship because his mother is extremely prejudiced against me and pressured him to the point where we both felt it was the only option. She used everything in the book you can think of to blackmail him into breaking up with me.
We’ve both been struggling with depression since. It has been hard to navigate how to prioritise ourselves while still honouring our families, especially when cultural expectations play such a huge role. I feel like this isn’t talked about enough.
Would love to hear your perspective on how you prioritise yourself when your actions are visibly hurting your family and breaking your family apart?
- Sad Girl
A. The thought of disappointing family is so painful that you and your ex both struggle to differentiate your own sense of selves or needs from theirs. Maybe you feel like you owe them, or maybe they have always expected you to do what they want. Whatever it is, it’s incredibly difficult for you - and honestly, many South Asian kids - to see yourself outside of your role as your parent’s child. To disentangle your feelings from others’, it’s time to really parse what you feel.
Your empathy and understanding of what your ex is going through is palpable, but I also want you to consider the hierarchy of needs that seems present here: Your ex’s mum, your ex and then you. This imbalance is common in South Asian culture and reflects who has more power. Your ex has taken his mum’s feelings and views and internalised them as his responsibility. You have taken your ex’s fears about hurting or losing his mum as your responsibility. But where does that leave your feelings around your ex’s mum being prejudiced and now being broken up with because of it?
It’s clear what your ex is willing to tolerate, but what are you willing to tolerate? Is it standing by as he figures out how to navigate hard conversations with his mum? Is it being understanding and accepting that he can’t stand up for the relationship? I see that your concerns for him and his family are real, but I also see that you’re accepting his family’s norms as unchangeable. They’re not.
Emotional blackmail hinges on the person being blackmailed - your ex - acquiescing to the blackmailer’s - your ex’s mum - demands. By giving in to his mum’s demands, the cycle of blackmail is completed - even if your ex is reacting from a place of guilt, fear or obligation. He has decided that the easier of two painful and uncomfortable paths (stay together and deal with his mum/ the fallout of the relationship, or give in to her demands) is to end things with you. Cultural expectations are of course at play here - maybe your ex’s mum is trying to save face in her community. But that’s not an excuse for harmful behaviour, and it’s up to your ex to decide what he is or isn’t willing to say and stand by with his mum.
Usually, taking on our loved ones’ feelings doesn’t actually help them. Instead it often fortifies their beliefs and feelings and removes any sense of accountability they should take for their actions. It also reinforces your belief that you are responsible for them. Remind yourself that you can be loving and supportive without taking on your ex’s or your family’s feelings.
With increased self-awareness you can start to challenge these harmful dynamics. Even if it feels countercultural, “honouring family” should not be a blind choice. Rather, it requires appreciation, respect and an ability to communicate. This means truly interrogating: Who is really getting hurt here? Why, really, does your happiness mean breaking the family apart? In what ways are you actually causing harm to your ex’s family by being together? These are painful questions and are likely to be compounded by feelings of self-doubt and powerlessness from the emotional blackmail. Your ex may want to consider working with a professional to explore his needs and feelings and create an emotional - if not physical - distance from his mum. Therapy can also help you work through the impact of your ex’s mum’s behaviour and the subsequent breakup.
Cultural expectations do inform choices, but I want to encourage you to challenge what is normalised just because it’s cultural. To figure out your next step, you’ll have to be radically honest with yourselves about what you are willing to risk, and willing to tolerate, for the things you want.