Fed up, a reader blocked the caller’s phone number. But should she leave room for the woman to forge a relationship with her granddaughter?
Q: Our daughter was married for 15 years, until her husband left her for another woman five years ago. She receives a monthly, court-ordered payment from him. He does not see their daughter, now 14, or show any interest in her. (Our daughter brought her to a child psychologist to help process this rejection.) When their rent was increased recently, we invited them to live with us so our daughter could save for a home of her own. The problem: Her ex’s mother calls our house daily, demanding to speak to our granddaughter. We think she is inconsiderate and doesn’t care about our granddaughter’s needs. Our granddaughter takes the calls about once a week and meets with her occasionally. Tired of these calls, I finally blocked them on our home phone. Now, she calls our daughter relentlessly. What should we do? - Mother
A: I suspect that, from your perspective, the optimal outcome here may be for your daughter’s ex-mother-in-law to simply disappear — as her son did. But that may not be in your granddaughter’s best interest, which I know you care about. I am not suggesting that you or your daughter put up with phone harassment. But let’s acknowledge that this other grandmother has a valid interest in her grandchild. The solution is not to block her calls, but for your daughter to set and enforce healthy limits on them.
Now, I don’t know why this woman is calling so relentlessly. My suspicion, though, is that she’s ashamed of her son’s abandonment of his child, so she’s compensating by calling way too much. Still, if your daughter can harness this behaviour, it may be healthy for your granddaughter to be in touch with someone from her father’s family.
The great news here is that your granddaughter already has a relationship with a therapist. If I were you, I would encourage your daughter to lean into it. A therapist can help her establish what your granddaughter wants, what’s healthiest for both of them and how to communicate this to her former mother-in-law. I know you’re frustrated, but try to keep your eyes on the long-term prize.