I wonder if this specific comment your friend made feels especially hurtful because it’s an insecurity you have about yourself? Reflect on this narrative of being “dominant” and why this word choice felt so offensive to you. Maybe it’s because of past experiences where being “loud” or “dominant” was used against you in a relationship. Maybe there are cultural or gender norms you were conditioned to uphold. Or maybe it triggers internalised beliefs you’ve learned from society around being a “bossy” woman - especially because this is often paired with other harmful descriptors.
What do you think it says about you if you are, in fact, an assertive partner? Why do you think this threatens the “respect” you show your partner? You may struggle with the belief that having a “dominant” personality is bad, but there’s nothing inherently or morally wrong with that. And it may help you to really interrogate how your “dominant” trait has been a positive quality in your life, work and relationships.
After some personal reflection, you may even consider broaching this with your husband and asking him what he thinks about her word choice to describe you as a partner. He may be able to offer reassurance, and even more, regardless of what your friend thinks, you and your husband want to be on the same page about what’s working - or not - in your relationship.
If you continue to reflect on this and find that it’s less about your beliefs and internalised stories, then it may be time to give deeper thought to this friendship. I chatted with a relational health educator, Danielle Bayard Jackson, about your dilemma, and she mentioned that the history of your friendship matters.
“It helps to survey a few things before deciding what to make of it. Does the evidence of her supporting you as an individual and as a couple outweigh any evidence otherwise? Also, does your friend have a tendency of making passive-aggressive remarks toward you or others?” she says.
If your friend’s comment isn’t consistent with other incidents, then try extending the benefit of the doubt to her.
But if you find it hard to let go, then kindly and honestly bring up your feelings to your friend next time you get together one-on-one. This may sound like: “I’ve been thinking a lot about something you said a few weeks ago, and I wanted to talk to you about it. You said that I’m the ‘dominant’ one in my marriage, and you said it in front of [husband’s name]. I wasn’t sure what you meant, and I’d like to hear more, because it did hurt my feelings.”
Focus on the impact of her comment and show curiosity for what she may have meant or how she perceives you as “dominant”.
As Jackson suggests, “This could be an opportunity for her to clarify what she meant while putting you at ease. It helps to eliminate the ambiguity as much as possible - and sometimes that means asking questions when you’re unsure before you make the wrong assumptions and it creates emotional distance.”
It’s even possible your friend was projecting her own insecurities about not being as confident or assertive and simply complimenting you. Regardless, it’s okay for you to have feelings about the interaction. You just want to decide how to manage and tend to them without letting it cause a fracture in your relationships - with others and with yourself.
Sahaj Kaur Kohli is an author, speaker, therapist and Washington Post advice columnist
