Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly a year. It’s going really well. But his close-knit group of friends is not welcoming to me. They are all bilingual, and when they hang out together, they speak Spanish. I am studying Spanish, but when people speak quickly or use slang, I can’t follow the conversation. Even beyond the language barrier, though, they don’t seem all that interested in getting to know me. My boyfriend has asked what he can do to help, but I’m not sure. I’m afraid his friends may resent me if he asks them to switch to English when I’m around. We’re about to go on a two-week holiday with the whole group, and just thinking about the trip makes my stomach hurt. Help! — GIRLFRIEND
A: Breaking into a close-knit group — one that speaks a different language, no less — and managing to thrive is a heavy lift. I’m sorry you feel excluded, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect the group to change its long-standing dynamics to accommodate you (other than occasionally). Nor do I think it’s reasonable for you to take that personally: you are still more group-adjacent than a member in your own right.
A better approach here may be for you to take some initiative and try to befriend group members individually. Invite one or two of them for coffee and get to know them better. They will probably speak English with you, and you will start to form personal relationships that may soon colour the group dynamic.
Now, as for your upcoming holiday, you probably don’t have enough time to carry out this divide-and-conquer strategy before you leave. But perhaps you can try it on holiday: invite individuals to breakfast or for walks. When you break down a seemingly impenetrable group into its component members, they often become more open and friendly.
An ex-colleague who burned bridges (and more)
Q: I started a night class at a local university, and to my dismay, a former co-worker is also enrolled. He was fired several years ago by my company after setting fire to his apartment during a mental health crisis. He was given a long prison sentence because he put other residents of the building at risk. I hadn’t noticed him in class, but he said hello to me during a break. I felt awkward because of his terrible crime and his failure to mention it. I’ve been avoiding him since then. I understand that he paid his debt to society, so how should I handle this? — STEVE
A: So, in your view, people who commit crimes (or who have mental health crises) should be shunned for eternity? I don’t believe you risk any harm by returning this man’s pleasantries, and personally I think it would have been odd for him to launch into an explanation of his years-old crisis. Do you share your worst moments with acquaintances?
I would reframe this story: a man in dire straits committed a crime. He paid his debt to society, presumably got help for his mental illness and is trying to better himself by taking a night class. That sounds like a success story to me. I suggest you “handle” this situation by behaving civilly.
The right way to go isn’t always upstanding
Q: I am a cisgender male and attended an event for a feminist organisation. A vast majority of attendees were women. I was there as an ally. During a break, I needed to use the bathroom. But all the bathrooms had been designated for use by all genders, and there were long lines for the stalls. So, I decided to use a trough-style urinal and not take up space in the line. But as soon as I began to go, I felt a palpable sense of unease in the room. Had I broken an unspoken rule? — UNZIPPED
A: So, in the name of being an ally, you exposed yourself to all the women (and girls) who had to pass the urinals on their way to the bathroom stalls. What a self-centred decision! You didn’t break an “unspoken rule”. You exposed yourself.
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
Written by: Philip Galanes
©2024 THE NEW YORK TIMES
