You don’t have to reply right away
Reminders to do your homework. DMs in every app. Multiple group chats blowing up. All of these notifications can feel endless and overwhelming. Niki Shiva, 17, from Hayward, California, said she sets her phone to “do not disturb for everyone except mum” to mitigate her anxiety. Niki explained that she often obsesses about whether people have written back to her, so she tries to minimise the temptation to check her phone constantly. She also said she removed her messaging app from her home screen — it’s now tucked away in a folder in her app library — “so I didn’t have to look at the number of notifications.”
Unfollow people and pages that make you feel bad
Several of the teens we spoke to said that, when possible, they remove accounts from their social media feeds that chip away at their self-esteem. (Experts agree that this is a good practice.) “Your attention is power,” said Janine Edmunds, 14, from South Jamaica, Queens. “On TikTok, you can go and click ‘not interested’ on a video. Or block people you don’t like. It’s not a shady thing, it’s just, I don’t want you in my space.”
Kamryn Nutzel, 16, from New Orleans, unfollowed influencers she noticed were making her feel lousy, and tries to detach when she starts to feel her Fomo creeping in — by taking a bath, doing a face mask or simply going to bed early. “If I find myself getting in that cycle where I’m comparing myself, I’ll just unfollow the person,” she said. Sometimes, she also deletes her apps for a day or two, until she’s feeling better.
Ask yourself, who are you posting for?
Four of five teenagers in the United States said that what they see on social media makes them feel more connected to what’s going on in their friends’ lives, according to Pew Research Centre. That’s how Ella Moyer, 17, from Scottsdale, Ariz., approaches Instagram: “It’s a memory box for you,” she said, a highlight reel of fun moments to share with friends and family, like photos from her prom night. “Every time I open my phone, I don’t see perfect celebrities,” she said. “I just see my friends.”
Put down your phone and go outside!
Studies have found that spending more time outdoors, even as little as two hours a week, can make us healthier and happier. Rosalina Pinkhasova, 14, spent a lot of time this summer in the new inflatable pool her family set up in their backyard in Fresh Meadows, Queens. “Sometimes I like to put alarms on to tell me when to stop being on my phone,” she said.
Noor, from Queens, and her friends have instituted a “phones down” rule when one of them has something important to share. “Sometimes we just sit there and we don’t feel like talking, so we’ll be on our phones,” she said. “But if we really want to talk about something, everyone’s off their phones.”
Bed is for dreaming, not scrolling
There’s one piece of wisdom that many teens and adults agree on: Having a phone in your bedroom overnight can make it hard to get a good night’s sleep. And nearly a quarter of teens struggle with insomnia. Noor Rauf, 14, from Astoria, Queens, recommends silencing phone notifications and keeping the device out of reach. She keeps hers in a laptop case on her desk. “It’s not far,” she said. “But at least off my bed, you know?”
Ella, from Arizona, is required to give her parents her phone at night. At first it was frustrating. “I always cursed, ‘Oh my god, my parents take my phone. It’s so annoying!’” she said. But now she doesn’t mind — she uses the time to catch up on homework without distractions, and she says it has helped her with time management.
Teen-to-parent advice
Instead of banning teens from social media, try talking to them about it
Even when their phones are banned or particular apps are off-limits, the teens we spoke to said they can find a way around those restrictions. They’ll watch TikToks on YouTube. They’ll hide their Instagram Story from certain followers. They’ll send Snapchats from their friends’ phones, or use email instead of text. “It’s kind of like, well, I have the capabilities to do it on desktop, right?” said Janine, from Queens.
Instead of simply taking their phones away, the teens recommended coming up with boundaries together, and talking openly about building safe habits. Ella, from Arizona, suggested that parents first ask their kids how they want to interact with social media: What do you want to do online? What are you hoping to see? When talking to her mother about social media, she found it helpful to focus not only on the harm, but on the good that can come from it, too. “Posting is a great way to show confidence and also capture memories that you want to keep,” Ella said.
Check in regularly
It’s a rite of passage for teens to feel misunderstood by their parents. But they still want their parents to ask them questions, and to listen. “Create an open environment where your teenager is honest with you, so it doesn’t feel like they have to lie,” said Kamryn, from Louisiana, especially when it comes to stickier topics like what they’re seeing or posting on social media. “I don’t want to say a parent should be a ‘friend,’ but when your teen comes to you, you should kind of go into that friend mode and listen.”
Watch your own social media use, too
If you’re telling your teenager to limit their social media use, while you are busy scrolling on Facebook every night, it’s going to be more difficult to enforce restrictions. (Public health experts recommend setting up a family media plan, a way to agree on expectations and boundaries relating to screen time for adults and teens in the house.)
“When your parents come and are berating you for using your phone, or giving you rules they don’t abide by themselves, it makes following the rules a lot harder,” Janine, from Queens, said. “Because it’s like, well, why should I follow it if you’re not even trying a little bit?”
Written by: Sharon Attia
©2023 THE NEW YORK TIMES
