Long-distance relationships are hard but there are ways to keep the love alive. Photo / Getty Images
Kiwi sex therapist’s top tips to manage a long-distance relationship
Have you found yourself a hottie you want to go the distance with, but life is keeping you at a geographical distance?
Work, immigration, family, or finances – these are the modern-day Montagues and Capulets standing between your Romeo and Juliette (or Romeo and Romeo, or Juliette and Juliette).
“I couldn’t do it, but good for you!”, “Why don’t you just date someone closer?” or “Aren’t you worried they’re cheating?” are probably things you’ve heard by now, causing you to inwardly eye-roll.
Long-distance relationships often face judgment, but let’s be real – they’re more possible and normal than people might think. Especially as modern communication tools have made it easier to stay connected.
That said, they can still be tricky to navigate at times. Here are seven tips that might help you on your journey.
The distance doesn’t have to be your enemy; it can be your ally. Can you lean into the excitement of not knowing everything about your partner’s life all the time, and vice versa? Distance can fan the flames of desire, allowing you to connect with your own sovereignty, while appreciating your partner in theirs.
Couples who have lived together for a while often have to actively create space in their relationship to reignite that pull of attraction.
So, lean into the “I miss you” moments – maybe even eroticise them. Savour the anticipation of your next reunion.
It’s crucial to nurture your relationship with consistent daily communication. This helps build trust and emotional safety. But it’s easy to fall into the trap of texting, voice messaging, and video calling on autopilot, with the quality of connection gradually slipping.
Rather than just exchanging laundry lists of “here’s what I did today,” bring presence, depth, and energy to your virtual conversations. Meet playfulness with enthusiasm, and vulnerability with empathy.
Rituals are a powerful way to create a loving culture in your relationship. Share gratitude every evening, send three pictures that tell the story of your day, or schedule a monthly check-in where you celebrate the highs, address any sticky points, and express your desires for the future.
Challenge yourselves to infuse creativity into your virtual interactions. Over time, see how masterful you can get with your rituals, but also keep it fresh with new ideas. Have a dinner party where you send each other mystery Uber Eats, or create a playlist of your favourite songs to dance to – and then have a video call where you both dance in your undies!
Know when it’s time to put your phone down and be present with friends, family, and hobbies. Try not to get caught up in living for the next visit. It’s healthy to say, “I’m going to be offline for a few hours while I catch up with [insert friend’s name here]. I’ll message you when I’m home – I can’t wait to hear about your day!”
Long-distance relationships offer a unique opportunity to create a healthy sense of interdependence, which can lay the foundation for a beautiful future together.
Distance may bring up insecurities or expose areas where you’re lacking skills – don’t shy away from them. Face them head-on. They’re an opportunity to build emotional resilience and improve your relationship with yourself, making you an even more awesome partner.
One of the hardest parts of long-distance love is not being able to physically touch each other. But don’t you dare use this as an excuse to put your sex life on hold. Instead, take it as a challenge to deepen your erotic connection while apart.
You might not be able to teleport your limbs to your partner, but you can absolutely feel an energetic bond. Sexual energy has the magical ability to transcend time, space, and even screens. You’ve probably already dabbled in sexting, exchanged sexy selfies, or enjoyed video call sex – nice work! Here are a few more ideas to keep things sizzling:
Long-distance love is much easier to manage when you have an end goal in sight. What’s the plan once the distance is over? If that’s not possible right now, try to always have your next reunion booked. Having that concrete plan in place can take strain off your connection and gives you more room to simply enjoy each other.
Reuniting and saying goodbye can be emotionally turbulent. If you’re back together for, say, two weeks, it’s common to feel a mix of desires: wanting to be super close and make the most of your limited time, while also feeling vulnerable being close after having adjusted to independence.
Our inner children – the parts of us shaped by early experiences when we depended on caregivers for survival – can find transitions together and apart particularly triggering. This is especially true if you’ve experienced attachment trauma.
If this resonates with you, try to bring as much compassion and acceptance to your experience as possible. Judging yourself will only intensify the thoughts and feelings you’re hoping to escape. So, be gentle with yourself and your partner.
Learning to co-regulate – calming each other’s nervous systems – is a great skill for partnerships. One way to do this is to spoon, whether seated or lying down, and breathe slowly and deeply into your belly, making your exhale longer than your inhale.
I’ve found that prioritising connection through the body in simple, non-sexual ways works wonders for transitions – sometimes even more than talking about it. Cuddle for 10 minutes, then see if you still want to talk about it.
This is your time to show your partner how much the relationship means to you by prioritising them as best as you can. Don’t suffocate each other though – some time apart will still help during this period. Put your screens away, connect through your bodies, and create shared experiences. Take photos that you can look back on and reshare during trips down memory lane.
Be fully present and put effort into making this time together special. For a sweet touch, douse a soft toy or a cosy jumper in your pheromones as a little gift for your honey to take with them.
Michelle Kasey is an award-winning NZ-based sex and relationships therapist, burlesque artist and teacher, champion pole dancer and writer.