"What you've not prepared for is that your [child] will fall in love with someone and that someone will henceforth be the only voice in their heads." Photo / Duong Huu, Unsplash
"What you've not prepared for is that your [child] will fall in love with someone and that someone will henceforth be the only voice in their heads." Photo / Duong Huu, Unsplash
Opinion
OPINION:
There's something no one ever tells you about parenting (or in my case step-parenting), which you only discover once you think you're out of the woods. No sooner are you congratulating yourself on having children who can just about function in the world (catch a train, make a bed,iron a shirt), and just when you're starting to believe that all your hard work might have paid off and the young adults are turning out OK, you stumble upon the giant hole in your plan.
What no parent of YAs ever considers is the arrival on the scene of a significant other. You know it will happen of course, but nothing prepares you for the wholesale transfer of power, overnight, to a total stranger.
What you've not prepared for – and clean forgotten since you were their age – is that your YA will fall in love with someone and that someone will henceforth be the only voice in their heads. Up to this point parents are still the people whose opinion matters most. Just. And then, one day, we're not. And someone called Fred or Mary is the person in charge of your YA's future, until they part and go on to Fred or Mary 2.
This is absolutely fine, providing Fred or Mary are good news. But if this turns out not to be the case (you're not judging, but you can't help noticing certain things, and it's not their habit of sitting at the table in the lotus position), that's when you long to remind your YA of some rules about relationships that, if ignored, will come back to bite them when they have three kids under five.
This expression is acceptable in a young child. It is not in a grown adult. Photo / Johnny Cohen, Unsplash
Ideally you would tell them straight out – "He's not an artist! He's work shy!" or "Who spends an hour blow-drying their hair when everyone else is peeling potatoes", but the direct approach is no longer possible. Not unless they're on a break and we don't advise that either.
So here, for parents of YAs everywhere is the List We All Wish We Could Give Them (note: ours are currently with 100 per cent keepers so it's the perfect opportunity to tell it like it is from the perspective of a concerned parent). Feel free to pin it to the fridge.
Beware petulance
There was panic all around after King Charles's pen-gate throw-downs, partly because the Queen never displayed such impatience but, more importantly, the incident reminded women of that moment we've all experienced when your new boyfriend does something that makes your gut reconsider everything. He is offhand with the waiter. Or rude to the bloke in John Lewis who can't find his order. Or he sulks when he's not in the hot spot at a dinner party.
We all know the difference between snapping after a bad day and microscopic evidence of something more troubling and all we're saying is ignore these dull whale noises at your peril.
The lazy gifter test
Some people are just hopeless present-givers but there's a big difference between not being good and not being bothered. The last-minute generic present that could just as well have done for anyone of roughly your age and sex is lazy, but also a sign of them not giving much of a stuff. Horrible jewellery is fine (they've tried). Boring wellies are fine (you definitely wanted wellies). But a make-up voucher, any voucher, not so fine. Have they tried is all we're saying? When you're opening it do they look like they really want to make you happy or more like they hope they've got away with it?
Some people are just hopeless present-givers, but there's a big difference between not being good and not being bothered. Photo / Hans Isaacson, Unsplash
Dependable or not
You send him/her out to get the essential thing you require – could be Simple Cleansing Water or triple-A batteries – and they come back empty-handed, claiming not to have been able to find it. Your best friend would have stayed out until dawn hunting the thing down, and that's partly why they're your best friend: reliability in those close to you is essential and what keeps you sane.
Lateness. Last-minute dropping out of plans. Promising to book the tickets and then not booking the tickets. These are the things that are giving you the uneasy churny feeling, and turning you into a micromanaging stressed person.
Has he/she ever made you feel less than perfect
If he/she doesn't think you're absolutely gorgeous and has an opinion about your look, your weight, your clothes, your laugh, your signature dance moves, the long stories you tell at parties, you are in deep trouble. This doesn't mean that everything you do must be beyond criticism, but you should be so confident of your SO's devotion that a gentle upbraiding (should you have behaved very badly) won't hurt.
Deal breakers, in no particular order
Sulky is a deal breaker. Also angry for no very good reason. Also cowardliness. This is an old-fashioned idea perhaps but you need someone who will stand between you and trouble (like the polar bear in Frozen Planet II) and who won't curl up into a ball if the going gets tough, which it inevitably will. Brave is finding a way to keep chuntering on when it would be quite nice to take to your bed. That's the brave we're interested in.
Selfish or not selfish
Really got to open your eyes on this, YAs. A lot of you seem to confuse self-centredness with self-care and achieving a healthy work/life balance. You think that your SO having to have the aisle seat because they need it most, or being too tired to help move their stuff, is normal. We beg to differ and suggest you answer these S or NS questions: has he/she volunteered to do something for you at some inconvenience to themselves, or chosen to have a lie-in instead? When he/she met your family did you have to slightly drag them there and then did you get the feeling they were radiating, "The things I do for you. I wasn't in the mood for this. See how decent I am." Think about it.
Shared sense of humour
Maybe it is funny to hide your passport/pretend you are unconscious but, if your SO's sense of humour makes you feel anxious, even occasionally sad, that's a big red flag. A good sense of humour, eg him being able to see the funny side of you shrinking his favourite sweater (note to YAs: never put wool in the drier, how many times!), and an ability to make each other howl with laughter (different thing completely) are second only to kindness on the list of things that matter. Quick test: your brother is doing his lemur-on-the-go impression. Are they laughing till tears run down their face or sort of checking their Fitbit?
Lots of cuddly toys in the sleeping area. Taking themselves pretty seriously and expecting you to do the same. Going dark. Putting you down in public. Being no stranger to the mirror. Being a little bit too invested in what their mother thinks about everything (unless their mother is a Diana Rigg sort and you can't wait for her to get so old she has to move in with you).
Lots of soft toys in the sleeping area? Nope. Photo / Mattea Steeke, Unsplash
Generosity compatibility
You would have tipped more. On holiday you bought a present for your sister and your mum, but he bought himself three shirts and some dark glasses. Once he made your friend split the bill three ways when she'd only had a rocket salad and been in tears most of the time. Meanness will get you down faster than poor personal hygiene.
Full sharing rights
Would you be scared to tell her you have a boil in an uncomfortable place and ask her to investigate? Would you call him at work to cry because the goldfish has died or would you think it was safer to call a friend or your dad? Does she know that you rescued Mr Timble from the skip and Mr Timble is now living in a moth-proof bag in the airing cupboard because you can't quite bear to throw him out? If not, why not?
Do you trust this person?
Not so much on the fidelity front (very important too), but how about to bring home the bacon and be thoroughly supportive when you've recently had quads? Could you spend three weeks alone with this person and still have tons to talk about? Just asking because at this age a lot of you move in packs and it may be that the person keeping you amused and interested is someone else in the pack who just happens to be a lot less decorative and well-dressed. Watch the obsession with abs and so forth. That stuff fades.
The excellent kindness test
All the YAs are very big on kindness and will tell you that their SO is Really Kind by which they usually mean he/she once nipped out to buy them a Lemsip when they had flu. YAs take note: genuine kindness is the stuff that is sometimes boring, never compensated, very often unseen. It's not the glamour front-of-house stuff like playing football with your young nephew. It's chopping up your granny's food and sitting with her until it's finished while everyone else is having a ball in the room next door.
