4 ways to let go of grudges that can harm our health

Understand how grudges affect your wellbeing and how to move past them. Photo / 123rf

A psychologist’s advice on getting over grudges includes identifying the meaning behind them, exercising, practicing forgiveness and looking for ‘joy snacks’.

Holding a grudge against someone is common for most of us. A neighbour insults us, our boss criticises us or a friend betrays us, and we begin to resent them. While it’s human nature to get upset at being treated badly, holding on to ill will can hurt our mental health.

In one small study of 20 grudge-holders, researchers found that harbouring resentment could reinforce upsetting thoughts, lower self-esteem and make negative feelings fester. Another study linked bearing a grudge with an increased risk of heart disease and chronic pain.

Despite these downsides, putting a grudge to rest isn’t always easy. As a psychologist, I know they can drag on for months or even years.

A patient I worked with years ago held a grudge, well into adulthood, against a former friend who had publicly teased her when they were at a camp in the seventh grade. She recognised that her resentment kept her stuck, but she didn’t know how to shake it.

There’s no shame in holding a grudge. But if you’d like to set your grudge free, here are four tips I share with my patients.

Identify the meaning behind your grudge

Research shows that grudges arise for different reasons.

Feeling hurt or betrayed by someone who never owned up to their actions is one cause. For example, maybe your best friend spilled your secrets, or a family member treated you poorly, but they never apologised. In these instances, grudges can be a warning sign, protecting us from future hurt.

Grudges can also be defences, emotional armour that blocks us from feeling pain. Perhaps we imagine the wrongdoer meeting their match, which shields us from sadness and fear. While this makes us feel better in the short term, it can backfire in the long run.

Focusing too much on the slight can cause us to overgeneralise and assume that everyone will hurt us. This thought trap can prevent us from taking social risks, trusting new people or deepening existing friendships. Grudges can make us feel stuck and sometimes even helpless.

One way to set the grudge free is to ask yourself: “How is my grudge helping me?” and “How is it hurting me?”

Your answers can help you decide what to do next. For example, if your grudge is making you anxious or depressed, you could decide to talk with a trusted friend or therapist.

A study found that holding grudges can increase the risk of heart disease and chronic pain. Photo / 123rf

Move your body

Movement such as aerobic exercise can lift a grudge, research suggests. Exercise helps regulate upsetting emotions, which may allow us to release the hurt and anger that often fuels ill will, according to the study.

If your grudge feels like a gremlin you just can’t shake, try walking or doing some gentle yoga.

Even better, try to identify how you’re feeling before you exercise and note what’s different afterwards. Calling out these changes underscores that emotions (and even grudges) are temporary, which can feel relieving and empowering.

Research shows that exercise can help lift a grudge by regulating emotions. Photo / 123rf

Replace ‘grievance narratives’ with forgiveness

Holding a grudge can lead to what Fred Luskin, a forgiveness researcher at Stanford University, calls a “grievance narrative”. It’s a story we tell ourselves repeatedly about the person who hurt us.

Years ago I counselled a young man whose brother had died of a terminal illness. He blamed his parents for his brother’s death. “If they had taken him to the doctor sooner, he’d still be here,” he would say. This story, however, didn’t make his suffering disappear.

According to research, grievance narratives put the body in a state of threat, which releases the stress hormone, cortisol, and can impede the healing process.

One cure for grievance narratives is practising forgiveness. Contrary to what many of us believe, forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting the hurt, nor is it for the other person. It’s a learned skill that can help us move through our feelings, which can be freeing.

Begin by identifying your grievance narrative and use calming breaths such as box breathing to soothe the body.

Redirecting your hurt into positive actions can also help. You can volunteer for a worthy cause or help someone going through a similar struggle.

According to Luskin’s research, such actions can inch us closer to forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a learned skill that helps move through feelings and reduce stress. Photo / 123rf

Look for glimmers

When grudges simmer, it’s easier to get triggered. For example, you may become enraged when someone cuts you off in traffic or you may snap at your child for making a mistake. And when these negative emotions swell, accessing positive feelings can be more challenging.

One way to tame triggers is to look for glimmers. This term, coined by psychotherapist Deb Dana, describes any cue that elicits feelings of safety, ease and connection. Think of it as a “joy snack” or a mood boost.

Witnessing a beautiful sunset, listening to soothing music or petting a puppy are a few examples.

Unlike triggers, which jar the nervous system, glimmers activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps the body relax.

To identify glimmers, try keeping a “glimmer journal.” Each day, see if you can identify three to five cues that spark positive emotions. It could be something you notice during the day, such as the sound of laughter or a beautiful garden. Or it could be a memory from the past.

Here’s one exercise you can try:

Imagine the last time someone made you feel cared for or you felt moved by something you saw. Take a moment to jot down this memory. As you recall your glimmer, notice what emotions arise. Try to soak up this feeling of peace, calm or positivity.

While grudges may be part of life, they don’t have to get the best of us. Exercise, forgiveness and searching for glimmers can help release resentment, which benefits our physical and mental health for years to come.

Juli Fraga, PsyD, is a psychologist with a private practice in San Francisco.