3D sex toys and the future of sex

Ideal for people who've never seen any robot movie ever, robots are the dystopian sex of tomorrow, today. One of the first "intelligent" robots, Roxxxy Truecompanion (real name) has five arousal settings from Frigid to Wild, because the inventors haven't had contact with real women since the 80s. You can overcome the Frigid setting with a pre-programmed period of foreplay — if seducing an inanimate object is the kind of challenge you're after. An air pump heats Roxxxy internally with warm air, so she's basically a talking bouncy castle that can be preset to realistically reject your advances. Science!

Cuddle clubs

Tinder was once the newest sex technology on the block; now we've all got carpal tunnel in our swiping thumbs. But will that stranger holding a fish in his profile pic hold you with that same pride and tenderness until the Uber arrives? The future of intimacy is all about the afterglow. A snuggling party, also known as a cuddle puddle, is a bunch of fully clothed people coming together to spoon and not fork. Oxytocin flows, well-being grows and everyone gets to feel like a prize snapper.

Pagan sex magick

As Western society claws inevitably towards apocalypse, humanity searches for ways to predict and influence the future. Paganism is enjoying a resurgence and with it the mystical practice of sex magick. The "K" distinguishes ritual magick from entertainment magic, because when you tell people that your kind of magick is real, they usually reply "K". At the apex of sex magick is Eroto-Comatose Lucidity, during which you enter a deep trance-like sleep. Next time your partner falls asleep during sex, you'll know you waved your wand just right.

3D-printed toys

It's now possible to print your own dildo, or indeed any sex device your mind can envision. Do not print these at work. A 3D printer might be the apex of printing technology but it's still a printer and therefore hates you. It will be your phallus that gets stuck in the print queue and only pops out, so to speak, when the boss wants his architectural model and you'll have to try to pass it off as a new kind of column. Office parties will be spiced up though, as 3D-printed genitals become the new photocopied bum.

Google Glass 'Glance'

It wouldn't be the future without some horrific new invention to strike terror into hearts and minds. Glance is a feature of Google Glass that requires you both to keep your glasses on during sex — and that's not even the awkward part. Each set of glasses videos and simultaneously projects what it sees into your field of vision. That is, while you watch your partner's throes of ecstasy, you can also see your own. I know. If you feel daring keeping the light on, this is not the device for you, but it could give you all new levels of sympathy and gratitude towards your partner when you see what they have to put up with.