15 commandments of Fashion Week

Top, actresses Angela Bloomfield (left) and Claire Chitham enjoy a previous Fashion Week. Picture / Nicola Topping

For just four days Fashion Week is a world of its own. Here on Auckland's waterfront, the inhabitants of this world are always pretty and well dressed, they live on a steady diet of champagne and the bits of fruit that you find on the sides of cocktails, and they never worry about terrorism.

But such a happy, good-looking place comes at a price. Yes, there are certain, unwritten rules that the inhabitants of the small canvas town that is Fashion Week must follow. Here's what your mother would have told you if she wore Karen Walker and Zambesi and went to Fashion Week every year.

1. Do not steal anyone's seat in the front row until the very last minute before the show begins or unless you're absolutely certain they're in hospital and won't turn up. It's going to be embarrassing when some frightening woman dressed in black turfs you out in full view of everyone else.

2. Don't engage in goodie-bag looting. But if you are going to nick off with the goodie bags from the posh seats in front of you, be sure no one catches you doing it. At shows like Trelise Cooper where adoring fans covet their giveaways, rest assured the rightful owner will hunt you down and rip those miniature bottles of hair product and herbal teabags out of your guilty, sweaty hands.

3. Save the chocolate, lollies and other edibles from inside the goodie bags for later because after about eight hours of no food and non-stop frock watching you're going to need them.

4. Do not feed the models. They're being paid enough to buy their own salads.

5. Do not be mean to the models just because they're beautiful and thin. You may not know it, but they work incredibly hard. They get up early for the first shows, then put up with diva-like demands from various designers, hairdressers pulling, pushing and teasing their hair every which way, and makeup artists mashing product on to their young faces for at least 10 hours a day. And, incredibly, at the end of the week, they're still smiling.

6. And the same goes for the numerous big and burly security guards. Treat them kindly.

7. Do not wear your sunglasses at a runway show - unless your name is Anna Wintour, the formidable editor of American Vogue, or Karl Lagerfeld. Then you can only just get away with it.

8. One accessory that should never be brought into a fashion show: your brand new baby or small child. Celebrity mums who did this last year, please take note. They get bored, the incredibly loud music frightens them and there are too many black-clad people around cooing at them. They will be driven out of their tiny minds. A fashion show is torture for little people and you'll be forced to leave halfway through.

A small dog on the other hand is a different story - just make sure it's safely in your handbag when the show starts.

9. Do be sure to polish your shoes. Everyone, yes everyone, looks at shoes at Fashion Week.

10. Do wear a designer's clothes to that designer's show if you're a) a celebrity or rockstar who is sponsored by them, or b) a huge fan of their work and loyal customer. As in, say you bought a beautiful Zambesi dress last week, so this is your first, suitably glam opportunity to wear it in public and you love their clothes. Be aware though that by doing this you are stating that you care about fashion and this label in particular. Meanwhile most of the old hands at Fashion Week are desperately trying to pretend they don't care.

11. Don't ever, ever rush home between shows to change out of the Trelise Cooper dress you wore to the Trelise Cooper show into the Karen Walker dress that you will wear to the Karen Walker show. These are the misguided actions of a fashion victim. That's not admiration, that's just sycophantic and sad.

12. Do plan your wardrobe before Fashion Week starts. Just don't tell everyone about it.

13. Don't whistle at the bare-chested male underwear models when they finally turn up on the runway. We know it's hard when you've just watched hour after hour of hot female models but try to maintain some sense of decorum please, ladies. It's a fashion show, not a strip show.

14. Don't giggle or whisper or make silly faces at your neighbour while a runway show is on. And don't grimace if you don't love what you're seeing. A lot of people put a lot of work and money into what you're viewing. The correct expression - and you'll see this on all the experienced buyers and media - is a calm poker face.

15. Do gossip. And then gossip some more. Then tell us all about it. This is the biggest excuse for glamorous gossip about models, celebrities and fashion that Auckland ever has.

Just do it and don't feel guilty - after all, it's only once a year and it's only for four days.