Steve Braunias' secret diary of Ihumātao

Not much is happening at home so Jacinda Ardern flew off to Tokelau. Photo / AP

JACINDA ARDERN

Let me be perfectly clear about Ihumātao.

I am not avoiding going there. I know exactly where it is and I swung quite close by the other day when I got driven out to the airport to catch a flight to Tokelau.

In fact, I think I saw it when we flew over it. There were a lot of people on a field. I could sense the commitment, although possibly it was rugby practice.

In any case, the visit to Tokelau had been scheduled a long time ago and I went there for high-level talks.

"Hello," said Dad. "How's baby?"

"Great!"

"And," he said, clearing his throat, "Clarke?"

"The same. You know."

"Yes, well," he said. "So what's been happening?"

"I did a cover shoot for Vogue."

"How come?"

"I got asked by guest editor Meghan Markle."

"Meghan Markle!"

"Meghan Markle."

"You know her, don't you?"

The front cover of the September 2019 issue of Vogue edited by Meghan Markle features 15 women including Jacinda Ardern. Photo / Supplied

"I wouldn't say know her, but we've met, yes, with Harry. I mean I know them as well as William and Kate. Maybe not as well as William and Kate. But pretty well."

"How very interesting. And what else has been happening?"

I put my feet up and yawned. "Not much," I said.

SHANE JONES

Ihumātao? Tut-tut and come, now.

In the fields, the boys and girls come and go, causing a silly imbroglio.

Regional Economic Development Minister Shane Jones. 16 May 2019 Rotorua Daily Post Photograph by Stephen Parker NZH 26Jul19 - Shane Jones says areas such as forestry could benefit from changes to

Simply put I think the actions of the pusillanimous pyjama-wearing protest mob at Ihumātao are not so much serious brouhaha as funny ha ha.

Yes, the jokes about those silly witless people are so fecund; but I must away, and fiddle, diddle and dally all day long with my $3 billion slush fund.

SIMON BRIDGES

No, look, I'm not here to talk about my leadership, the reality is I'm comfortable with my leadership, and I think the polls reflect that, I'm up 1 per cent as preferred Prime Minister, and although you can't predict anything in politics, I wouldn't be surprised if in another 12 months time I'll be up another 1 per cent.

I'm here to talk about Ihumātao.

Simon Bridges would rather talk about his leadership than Ihumātao. Photo / NZME

But first, let's talk about the Prime Minister. I mean, where is she? On the cover of Vogue. Actually, let me be the first to congratulate her on that, but I question the effort she put into the photo shoot. I mean it doesn't look as though she went to a lot of trouble. Put me on the cover of Vogue and I'd work it, you know, give the photographer whatever they wanted, brood, pout, take off my shirt, smear my body with honey, I'd put in 100 per cent. But you look at the Prime Minister on the cover of Vogue and what you see is a part-time model.

As for Ihumātao, let's not talk about it.

MARAMA DAVIDSON

Marama Davidson visited the protest at Ihumātao. Photo / NZME

O Ihumātao! Kia ora. I have come. I am here. I feel what you feel. I eat what you eat – can you pass me some more food, please? Thanks. Kia ora. So anyway. I stand with you. I march with you. For I am with you always. Especially in the weekends, although I'm not sure about this weekend? I'll get back to you on that. Kia ora.