First allow me to point out, that I'm not talking about "good" or "friendly" taniwha, which apparently act as guardians of the land. I refer to the troublesome ones - the kind which come bounding out of the sea, lakes or swamps, to attack survey parties, or sailors, or perhaps to pull swimmers under the water.
Te Ara, the Encyclopedia of New Zealand reports such incidents, oddly enough several post the arrival here of Europeans. But it seems to me that nobody has seen a "zombie" outside of a movie theatre.
True, zombie movies may serve a cathartic purpose, and I wouldn't want to deny anyone that.
They provide a graphic reminder we're all going to kark it one day, personifying death in the shape of shuffling unpleasant characters with an implacable grudge against us.
But it usually turns out that these creatures can be defeated - or delayed - with a well placed bash or a burst of gunfire.
So energy, ingenuity can trump death, which is a nice idea. But the basic premise is so absurd - I mean that dead people really can walk around and make mischief - that the current spoof called The World's End, written by Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright, is to me about the pinnacle of this ridiculous genre.
A good Taniwha movie, on the other hand - now that would be something.
What if Taniwha up and down the country suddenly decided, "we're mad as hell, and not going to take it any more".
What if they finally had a guts-full of rampaging land developers and road constructors who dig up their habitat, or being mocked by derisive politicians and smart-arse newspaper columnists. What if Taniwha up and down the land were to forsake the path of subtle pay-back and exchange this for the pathway of direct action.
There's plenty to examples to draw on - here are a couple from Te Ara.
* Kawautahi is a small lake 15 kilometres up Retaruke River, a tributary of the Whanganui. It was avoided by Maori because a ferocious taniwha was said to live in it. In 1892 a surveyor employed three Maori from Taumarunui Warahi, Pita Te Aitua and Piki to assist him in his work at the lake. Despite their concerns, they agreed because of the good wages on offer. However, while there they were allegedly attacked by the taniwha, and although slightly wounded, they all survived. They later told their story to T. W. Downes, who based a famous painting of the incident upon their description.
* In 1869 the Rev A. Stock stated publicly that a Taniwha had been sighted by his nephews in Waitara Lake, near Otaki. He mentioned that the sighting of the creature had revived the memories of old natives, who swore positively that in 1842 they saw this Taniwha upset a canoe in the lake, causing the death of one of the Ngatitoa, chief Rangihaeta's slaves. Mr Stock's nephews said that the monster resembled an alligator, with a ridge along its back or neck, about 20 feet in length. "My nephews are not imaginative," said Mr Stock, "but they will not bathe again in this lake."
Or how about an incident from 1998? Pillay (he goes by his last name) is a South African immigrant I met in Tauranga several years ago. Pillay first came to New Zealand on a holiday with his two sons, to investigate setting up a boat building business here. The day he saw the "creature", Pillay was on his own, climbing over rocks at Whatipu, a beach at the southern end of the Waitakere Ranges. There he saw a man-sized brown creature, resembling a Komodo dragon. The animal, which he swears was not a seal, was sitting on rocks near the surf.
Though Pillay was recovering from a major heart operation, he lapsed into hunting mode and began moving closer and stalking the creature. A former professional fisherman and experienced game hunting in South Africa, he'd seen nothing like this animal in Africa. "It saw me and swam to a rock further away. I suddenly remembered I didn't have a gun and was too weak to run away, but there I was stalking it. I saw sense, and backed off," Pillay told me. Pillay's Maori friends told him he had seen a Taniwha, but the avowed skeptic disagreed. He told me that in his view the animal was some kind of large marine reptile, possibly one new to science.
I hope to never to meet a Taniwha but if I do, as somebody raised on the tales of Beowulf - the Danish King who defeated many a scaly monster thanks to his excellent swordsmanship and the assistance of the Almighty - I'll certainly be looking around for a champion to give me a hand.
Yup, the one ray of sunshine - should there ever really be a Taniwha Dawn - is that according to all the old stories, just when the dragons start doing their worst, a champion rides into town.
* Well, that's just my point of view. Now I'd like to know if you have ever seen a Taniwha?
