Pakeha can learn from Maori about grieving, says Sharples

Pita Sharples

Maori Party co-leader Pita Sharples says Pakeha should not allow their funeral practices to repress expressions of grief.

Speaking at a National Loss and Grief Association conference in Hamilton yesterday, Dr Sharples said Maori had managed to maintain their collective identity, which was well expressed in funeral ceremonies and protocols known as tangihanga.

Tangihanga involved a process which was "intimate, personal and excruciatingly intense - and also a process of incredible collective therapy" designed to "share and lift the weight off our shoulders".

"The process of grieving is also absolutely uplifting; a celebration of life, not loss."

Not so with Pakeha funerals, he said.

"I contrast that with the outstretched handshake, 'My sincere condolences', or maybe a polite expression of regret in a Hallmark card.

"I recognise we have different, culturally appropriate ways of grieving, but I wonder - if everyone has the capacity to express emotions, should not the occasion of death be the perfect outlet for such emotions?"

Dr Sharples also spoke about the way Pakeha refer to family and extended-family members.

"The emphasis should be on what connects us, rather than what divides us," he said, citing Pakeha use of phrases such as "step-sister".

"I am often puzzled when I hear Pakeha define members of their whanau in ways which seek to create a distance - to put up a barrier between themselves and another.

"A step-sister, a half-brother, a cousin twice removed, my mother's cousin," he said.

"In our world, we welcome our sisters and brothers, our cousins, our aunties and uncles as whanau - whatever degree of separation a genealogy expert might describe it as.

"And in much the same way, when we need to express grief, the strength for us is in numbers, in our connections, while in other world views, the expression of grief may be another opportunity to create distance - 'we'll leave them alone'; 'they wouldn't want to see people at this time'; 'we'll just send flowers and cause them no bother'.

"Perhaps in this one-day conference, in which loss and grief will be expressed, we may all get a chance to say, the bother is worth it."

Association of Counsellors president Antony McFelin, a Pakeha, said: "A lot of what he says is true. That's not to say all Pakeha practices are limiting.

"I think Pakeha are doing it differently now in light of their experiences in Aotearoa. We will, as a group of people, support each other much more through a grieving process - if that's what [Dr Sharples' reference to] collective therapy is about."

- Additional reporting by Martin Johnston